NEW ENGLAND UNDISCLOSED (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fresh off of having his 4-game suspension nullified, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady celebrated by wiping an AFC rival off the map, literally. Brady obtained some plutonium and fashioned a two-megaton nuclear device in his media room with some teammates. He then flew the bomb to Buffalo and blew it up. (more…)
Posts Tagged ‘New England Patriots’
SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Seattle Seahawks Head Coach, Pete Carroll says he owes one to the Emerald City. Just feet away from his team scoring the go ahead touchdown in Super Bowl XLIX, Carroll chose instead to have quarterback, Russell Wilson throw a short pass as opposed to handing off to his All-Pro running back, Marshawn Lynch to punch the ball into the end zone. New England Patriots rookie cornerback, Malcolm Butler picked off the toss thus ensuring a Pats’ victory. (more…)
BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the Super Bowl, just hours away, amidst distracting scandals and media-player mistrust, The Sportsman’s Daily found itself in the crosshairs itself. Cub reporter, Timothy “Little Timmy” Hopfmann, was pacing the satirical conglomerate’s spacious media center after hours on Thursday wondering whether or not his use of the term Super Bowl, had violated the long-standing NFL edict of using the term for the NFL Championship Game for factual purposes only. It did. Fortunately, one veteran reporter caught the mistake before it circulated worldwide.
“He seemed very upset about the whole thing. It could have gotten us all in a very huge pickle,” said Chet Lassiter, longtime TSD reporter. “Little Timmy is a real humper. He works a story hard, and digs in to get the facts. Then he throws the whole enchilada in a blender for optimum comedic effect (OCE). But he dropped the ball this time.” (more…)
GLENDALE, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New England Patriots Head Coach, Bill Belichick has been working around the clock to figure a way to replace the Seattle Seahawks allotment of league authorized footballs for the Super Bowl with buttered ones.
“I’ve been on the phone with Anthony ‘Tony Cholesterol’ Randazzo and the fine folks over at Land-O-Lakes to work a little eleventh hour magic on Super Bowl Sunday,” said the Pats’ big honcho. “Take it from me, in cold weather, deflated balls can make a difference. But the weather should be pristine in Arizona, so we’re going with butter. I suspect it’ll play havoc with the other team’s grip. We’ll do anything to gain an advantage. If it requires a tasty dairy product strategically slathered on the old pigskin, so be it.” (more…)
DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly seven years after Spygate, when New England Patriots’ Head Coach, Bill Belichick was fined $500,000 for videotaping New York Jets defensive signals during a regular season game, an even stranger incident has occurred.
Belichick was seen peering in the bedroom window of Denver Broncos’ Head Coach, John Fox to watch he and his wife engage in what Belichick calls ‘playing in the red zone.’
“Far be it from me to knock what a guy does on his down time.” sympathized Fox. “And lord knows he’s given a lot to this game, but it’s getting to be a fella can’t mount his wife without someone taking a peek.”
Dr. L. Xavier Menzies, a sports psychologist who grew up across the street from the Patriots’ coach was contacted by the Sportsman’s Daily and issued the following statement: (more…)
FOXBOROUGH, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Compared to what the middle of the country is dealing with, the single digits seem downright balmy, but it was still chilly enough to put New Enland Patriots Head Coach, Bill Belichick in a deep freeze. The veteran coach apparently stayed outside too long during practice and didn’t dress in layers as he was told.
“It’s basic for Christ’s sake. This isn’t the first time this has happened.” fumed team owner Robert Kraft. “You start with thermal underwear, then tee shirts, flannel, then sweatshirts, then a thick coat and finally the windbreaker. What does he do? He goes out there with a hunting jacket you’d wear in late September. What a dick!” (more…)
Venezuela and Nicaragua Also in Asylum Bidding War
LA PAZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Denouncing the United States’ refusal to drop charges against former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez, Bolivia said it will grant asylum to the former All-Pro.
“He’s a fine athlete. I’m sure he’ll learn the nuances of fútbol.” said Bolivian President, Evo Morales. “Besides, who better to settle a score between enraged fans?”
Hernandez, was arrested in connection with multiple gun-related charges including three murders.
Hernandez has found it difficult to get to Bolivia, since his current place of residence is the Bristol County Jail. (more…)
INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Pop icon, Madonna lip synced her way into Super Bowl history as her halftime show at Super Bowl XLVI thrilled the faithful at Lucas Oil Stadium. The highly anticipated performance was sandwiched between two halves of football that saw the New York Giants defeat the New England Patriots 21-17.
Madonna seemed to get through the act well, but eight minutes in, the prosthesis that replaced her right leg after botched hip surgery last June, soared across the stage after a high kick nearly decapitating co-performer, Cee Lo Green. However, the 53 year old legend soldiered on as apparently few in the crowd noticed. (more…)
INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Teammates were concerned when New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning switched from a razor to an electric shaver last week, claiming he won’t get as close a shave and problems have been known to occur.
“I told him.” said defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. “You get two or three day’s growth caught up in those rotating blades and the shit can hit the fan.”
Manning’s right cheek whiskers got caught in the Philips Norelco® AT810 Powertouch with Aquatec Technology, then eventually his entire face succumbed to the floating heads resulting in a cranial explosion. (more…)
BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Alec Hotko, a 94 year old veteran of World War II, has remained in remarkably good health through the years. He attributes it to what he calls “clean living.” But Hotko was with family last Sunday when he suddenly lost nearly all his hearing just moments after Aerosmith legend Steven Tyler’s universally panned rendition of The Star Spangled Banner roared through his grandson’s home theatre system. Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem was sung shortly before the AFC Title Game between the Baltimore Ravens and Hotko’s hometown New England Patriots.
“I can’t hear a blasted thing now thanks to that pinko commie longhaired little punk.” the Battle of Anzio veteran lamented. (more…)
DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It might be a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl, but the Broncos won’t go away. Quarterback and deity Tim Tebow got together with a select group of teammates and several fellow parishioners from the New City Church in Denver to enjoy the AFC Championship game Sunday afternoon. Late in the 4th quarter, Tebow noticed a palpable malaise among his viewing buddies. That’s when he sprung into action.
Tebow emerged just two minutes and twenty-three seconds later with a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight. (more…)
STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After nearly a half century of having one man at the helm of their football team, Penn State hired New England Patriots offensive coordinator and quarterback’s coach Bill O’Brien as their new man. He’ll assume his head coaching duties once the Pats’ post season ends. In a wildly popular move to win over a harrowed fan base, O’Brien repeatedly inserted a rusty goal post in the anus of former defensive coach and accused child molester, Jerry Sandusky, the man at the center of the scandal that brought down the football program and ultimately cost legend Joe Paterno his job.
A badly beaten Sandusky was dragged before the press corps, college staff, players, and fans alike in a ritual oddly reminiscent of fraternity hazing, as O’Brien shoved the post deep into his posterior. (more…)