You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. The brothers will be "manning" the dip.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme is brothers. The Harbaugh brothers will go head to head in 49ers-Ravens Super Bowl, but the Manning brothers plan to serve notice as well. Quarterback sibling rivals, Peyton and Eli, will enjoy a get together with a select group of teammates, friends, and family members for Sunday’s big game. Late in the 4th quarter, both Peyton and Eli say whether the game is a nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — they plan on springing into action.

“We’re gonna fire up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Peyton Manning said.

“Trust me when I tell ya, it’s gonna be some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” chimed wide receiver Demaryius Thomas, a Bronco teammate of Peyton Manning’s. “P has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)

Il Douchebag. Benito Mussolini, even in death, slightly more douchey than the Cowboys.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  The Dallas Cowboys marched into enemy territory Wednesday night seeking revenge – and they got it.  The Cowboys defeated the New York Giants 24-17 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. However, the squad that prides itself as America’s Team, learned shortly after the victory, that they may be the most hated sports team worldwide.

An informal poll conducted by the Europejska Akademia Sztuk school in Warsaw, Poland, determined Jerry Jones’ squad of NFLers is only 1.3% more popular than Benito Mussolini, the infamous Italian dictator and father of modern fascism.

“They’re contemptible.” said Jerzy Kutrzeba, a professor at the school. “We’ve all been witness to their narcissistic, conceited strutting about for decades. From the giant star that graces midfield and the ten gallon hats, to the Big Brotheresque, monolithic TV screen that dominates the stadium — their outstretched, overinflated, Texas sized, bravado without an ounce of humility, bristles through the air with unmistakable palpability suffocating those too weak to defend themselves with a choking miasma of good ol’ boy, hickory smoked, bar-b-que-infused dickishness. I saw more compassion at the Republican National Convention. No, wait…strike that.”  (more…)

A Leg Up on the Competition. Pop icon Madonna just moments before her unfortunate accident.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Pop icon, Madonna lip synced her way into Super Bowl history as her halftime show at Super Bowl XLVI thrilled the faithful at Lucas Oil Stadium. The highly anticipated performance was sandwiched between two  halves of football that saw the New York Giants defeat the New England Patriots 21-17.

Madonna seemed to get through the act well, but eight minutes in, the prosthesis that replaced her right leg after botched hip surgery last June, soared across the stage after a high kick nearly decapitating co-performer, Cee Lo Green. However, the 53 year old legend soldiered on as apparently few in the crowd noticed. (more…)

Manning Up? Eli Manning will have to man up. Here he is seconds after shaving went askew.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Teammates were concerned when New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning switched from a razor to an electric shaver last week, claiming he won’t get as close a shave and problems have been known to occur.

“I told him.” said defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. “You get two or three day’s growth caught up in those rotating blades and the shit can hit the fan.”

Manning’s right cheek whiskers got caught in the Philips Norelco® AT810 Powertouch with Aquatec Technology, then eventually his entire face succumbed to the floating heads resulting in a cranial explosion. (more…)

Cheese-us, Take the Wheel. Tim Tebow moments before unveiling his legendary, game saving cheese dip.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It might be a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl, but the Broncos won’t go away. Quarterback and deity Tim Tebow got together with a select group of teammates and several fellow parishioners from the New City Church in Denver to enjoy the AFC Championship game Sunday afternoon. Late in the 4th quarter, Tebow noticed a palpable malaise among his viewing buddies. That’s when he sprung into action.

Tebow emerged just two minutes and twenty-three seconds later with a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight. (more…)

Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan's hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the NFC champion Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” (more…)

What a Dick! Matthews' post game hi jinx go askew.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If things weren’t bad enough for the Green Bay Packers, now this. First, their perfect season went awry with a loss to the Kansas City Chiefs, then offensive coordinator Joe Philbin’s son drowned, next came Sunday’s stunning 37-20 shellacking at the hands of the New York Giants in the NFC Divisional game. Finally, just twenty-three minutes after walking off the field, a despondent Clay Matthews was standing naked in front of the post game spread as table attendant Marc Kostyiak was thinly shaving slices of pork. That’s when Matthews caught his penis in the meat slicer.

An upset Kostyiak apologized to Matthews.  (more…)

Tough Celek. Brent Celek getting some down time on the respirator.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Eagles played perhaps their best defense of the season, and backup quarterback Vince Young performed in the clutch as the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New York Giants 17-10 in a must win game Sunday night.

“We’re still on life support.” said Eagles coach Andy Reid afterward. “There’s still a glimmer of a trace of a grain of a hint of a glint of a chance to sneak or tiptoe or backdoor our way into a playoff position. So I brought my respirator in so the guys can hop on it then they feel we need that extra shot of real, honest to goodness life support.” (more…)

She and Mr. Jones. Jerry gets busy when the lights dim.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On two separate occasions the lights went out at Giants Stadium on Sunday as the Cowboys stunned the host New York Giants 33-20. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, took the electrical snafus as an opportunity to get in on his team’s action – in a manner of speaking.

“Yep. I did it. I went and got me some,” the maverick owner chimed afterward. “Felt a little titty and beaver in the pitch black. Reminded me of when I was a kid and Trent Hollock’s sister Doreen was always hanging around. Got me some then too.” (more…)