Posts Tagged ‘New York Giants’

A TSD Classique: Cheesehead Dies; Cholesterol Level Induces Massive Stroke

Monday, November 21st, 2016

 

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Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan’s hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the  Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” (more…)


Super Bowl: Tom Brady Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, February 8th, 2016

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. Brady was “manning” the dip.

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)


Giants’ Jason Pierre-Paul Feels He Can “Walk Off” Pain of Latest Amputation

Monday, December 14th, 2015
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Head Games. JPP says he’ll soldier through.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Giants Defensive End, Jason Pierre-Paul who lost his right index finger after a freak fireworks accident this past July 4th, is confident he can bounce back from his latest injury by simply “walking it off.”  (more…)


NFC East To Market Self As Bottomless Abyss

Monday, November 30th, 2015
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Nothingness To See Here. The NFC East launches vapid new campaign — literally.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fans, players, and coaches are almost completely in agreement — no one wants to win the NFC East. No team is above .500 in the division and no clear-cut favorite has emerged, though some are saying the New York Giants might ultimately reach the post-season on experience alone. Given the bleak outlook and overall general malaise in fan support, marketing heads from the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, and the Giants met privately to try and figure a way to salvage a disastrous season. (more…)


After Third Straight Loss, European Poll Show Dallas Cowboys Only Slightly More Popular Than Mussolini

Wednesday, October 14th, 2015

Il Douchebag. Benito Mussolini, was a tad more despised than Cowboys.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  An informal poll conducted by the Europejska Akademia Sztuk school in Warsaw, Poland, determined Jerry Jones’ squad of NFLers is only 1.3% more popular than Benito Mussolini, the infamous Italian dictator and father of modern fascism.

“They’re contemptible.” said Jerzy Kutrzeba, a professor at the school. “We’ve all been witness to their narcissistic, conceited strutting about for decades. From the giant star that graces midfield and the ten gallon hats, to the Big Brotheresque, monolithic TV screen that dominates the stadium — their outstretched, overinflated, Texas sized, bravado without an ounce of humility, bristles through the air with unmistakable palpability suffocating those too weak to defend themselves with a choking miasma of good ol’ boy, hickory smoked, bar-b-que-infused dickishness. I’ve seen more compassion at a Republican debate. No, wait…strike that.”  (more…)


NFL Season Starts with a Bang Leaving 46 Dead, Scores Injured

Monday, September 8th, 2014
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For Whom the Bell Foles. Philly QB Nick Foles took his share of hits on Sunday.

 

 

PHILADELPHIA  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While week one claimed its fair share of on-field casualties — most notably the concussion suffered by the entire front line of the Dallas Cowboys — viewers watching at home were hit particularly hard: 36 died instantly from massive coronaries, four were shot and killed during a halftime beer run, and six died in their sleep during lulls in the action. Thousands sustained injuries, ranging from brain aneurysms to minor muscle sprains.  

 

“For the passionate football fan, who is typically overweight and grossly out-of-shape, week one is a serious injury waiting to happen,” said Dr. Stuart Rothenberg, head cardiologist at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Minneapolis. “The build-up and anticipation, combined with the consumption of alcohol and junk food, on top of which you have the ever-present threat of domestic violence as wives and girlfriends are pushed to the side, intermittently dropping passive aggressive asides at the worst possible moments…well, it’s just a toxic, at times lethal, cocktail. Statistically, you have a better chance of avoiding injury — even death — on the football field.”
The NFL hopes to see a decline in the rise in brain concussions, which has already claimed several fans watching at home.

“Sandy was watching the Eagles game in the family room, he had a bunch of friends over to watch it in high def on our new 62 inch TV,” said Sandy Rose’s wife, 52-year old Cherry Hill, NJ resident, Miriam Rose. “The Jaguars were chasing Nick (Foles) out of the pocket when suddenly one of them lunged — it looked like he was going to crash right into our living room! What a picture! So crisp and lifelike!! We all kind of jumped; Sandy did too, but he fell backwards over the couch and hit his head on the tile floor. When he came to — he was out for ten minutes — we couldn’t bring ourselves to tell him that Nick tweaked his shoulder. Poor kid.” Miriam paused. “Sandy’s listed as day-t0-day, but we’re confident he’ll be ready for the the Colts next week.”

 


Madonna “Doing Fine” After Prosthesis Flies Across Stage at Super Bowl

Monday, February 6th, 2012

A Leg Up on the Competition. Pop icon Madonna just moments before her unfortunate accident.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Pop icon, Madonna lip synced her way into Super Bowl history as her halftime show at Super Bowl XLVI thrilled the faithful at Lucas Oil Stadium. The highly anticipated performance was sandwiched between two  halves of football that saw the New York Giants defeat the New England Patriots 21-17.

Madonna seemed to get through the act well, but eight minutes in, the prosthesis that replaced her right leg after botched hip surgery last June, soared across the stage after a high kick nearly decapitating co-performer, Cee Lo Green. However, the 53 year old legend soldiered on as apparently few in the crowd noticed. (more…)


Shaving Mishap Sidelines Eli Manning; Questionable for Super Bowl

Thursday, February 2nd, 2012

Manning Up? Eli Manning will have to man up. Here he is seconds after shaving went askew.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Teammates were concerned when New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning switched from a razor to an electric shaver last week, claiming he won’t get as close a shave and problems have been known to occur.

“I told him.” said defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. “You get two or three day’s growth caught up in those rotating blades and the shit can hit the fan.”

Manning’s right cheek whiskers got caught in the Philips Norelco® AT810 Powertouch with Aquatec Technology, then eventually his entire face succumbed to the floating heads resulting in a cranial explosion. (more…)


NFL Playoffs: Tim Tebow Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

Cheese-us, Take the Wheel. Tim Tebow moments before unveiling his legendary, game saving cheese dip.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It might be a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl, but the Broncos won’t go away. Quarterback and deity Tim Tebow got together with a select group of teammates and several fellow parishioners from the New City Church in Denver to enjoy the AFC Championship game Sunday afternoon. Late in the 4th quarter, Tebow noticed a palpable malaise among his viewing buddies. That’s when he sprung into action.

Tebow emerged just two minutes and twenty-three seconds later with a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight. (more…)


After Stunning Loss, Clay Matthews Gets Dick Caught in Meat Slicer At Post Game Dinner

Monday, January 16th, 2012

What a Dick! Matthews' post game hi jinx go askew.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If things weren’t bad enough for the Green Bay Packers, now this. First, their perfect season went awry with a loss to the Kansas City Chiefs, then offensive coordinator Joe Philbin’s son drowned, next came Sunday’s stunning 37-20 shellacking at the hands of the New York Giants in the NFC Divisional game. Finally, just twenty-three minutes after walking off the field, a despondent Clay Matthews was standing naked in front of the post game spread as table attendant Marc Kostyiak was thinly shaving slices of pork. That’s when Matthews caught his penis in the meat slicer.

An upset Kostyiak apologized to Matthews.  (more…)


With Eagles Still On Life Support, Andy Reid Let’s Players Use His Respirator

Monday, November 21st, 2011

Tough Celek. Brent Celek getting some down time on the respirator.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Eagles played perhaps their best defense of the season, and backup quarterback Vince Young performed in the clutch as the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New York Giants 17-10 in a must win game Sunday night.

“We’re still on life support.” said Eagles coach Andy Reid afterward. “There’s still a glimmer of a trace of a grain of a hint of a glint of a chance to sneak or tiptoe or backdoor our way into a playoff position. So I brought my respirator in so the guys can hop on it then they feel we need that extra shot of real, honest to goodness life support.” (more…)


Power Outage at Giants Stadium Results in Jerry Jones Feeling Up Female Luxury Box Attendant

Monday, November 15th, 2010

She and Mr. Jones. Jerry gets busy when the lights dim.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On two separate occasions the lights went out at Giants Stadium on Sunday as the Cowboys stunned the host New York Giants 33-20. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, took the electrical snafus as an opportunity to get in on his team’s action – in a manner of speaking.

“Yep. I did it. I went and got me some,” the maverick owner chimed afterward. “Felt a little titty and beaver in the pitch black. Reminded me of when I was a kid and Trent Hollock’s sister Doreen was always hanging around. Got me some then too.” (more…)