Posts Tagged ‘New York Jets’

NFL UPDATE: North Jersey Family Prepares Not to See Dad Till February

Friday, September 9th, 2016
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NF-Hell. Larry Tripp’s disappearing act, coming soon, and through February.

NETCONG, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Maureen Tripp and her three children, Mark, 13, Leon, 11, and Audra, 8, are preparing not to see husband and father, Larry Tripp, 44, till after the Super Bowl in early February, 2017.

The foreman at Lombardi Manufacturing in nearby Budd Lake, is expected to disappear without a trace beginning in Week One of the NFL season. Tripp, a lifelong New York Jets fan, will shuttle between work, his Man Cave (off limits to his immediate family members), his friend Tony Sacco’s house, and three or four undisclosed bars in the North Jersey area.

“I expect to miss a significant portion of my children growing up,” said Tripp. “But I’ll be updated via texts of basic goings on from time to time. Football takes precedence over everything.” (more…)


Fat, Lazy Slob Enjoying 12th Consecutive Year Without Sports Injury

Thursday, July 14th, 2016
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Breaking Dad. Father of twins just chillin’.

NUTLEY, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Artie Zbyszko, the 275 pound “work from home” father of twin 13 year old boys, generally gets around to dispatching his servicemen and printing out work orders for his air conditioning installation business by 11:00 AM.  This gives him ample time to enjoy three Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches® and two cups of coffee every morning while watching the Today Show.

“He builds most of the day around watching television, especially ESPN and COZI TV, the nostalgia programmed network.” laments Lorraine, his wife of 16 years. “I suppose the upside of his sedentary lifestyle is that he hasn’t really had any kind of sports injury in 12 years.”

Zbyszko’s only sports activity is when he reclines in his BarcaLounger®, and shoots baskets in the driveway with his sons, Calvin and Blake.   (more…)


A TSD Classique: Chester McGlockton Mistakenly Willed Organs for Research to Alma Mater’s English Department

Wednesday, August 13th, 2014

 

 

Chester Left to Fester. McGlockton awaits position in proper department.

 

CLEMSON, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former All-Pro Defensive Tackle, Chester McGlockton passed away of an apparent heart attack in November at the age of 42. But McGlockton wanted to leave a legacy beyond football.

“He signed his organ donor card, and made specific arrangements to leave his body to the science here at his alma mater, Clemson University.” said Assistant Dean, Roger Phillips. “Unfortunately, he accidentally left his remains to the English Department.”

“Awkward!” said English Department Chairperson, Sandra Wilcox. “Now what we’ve got are students intently focused on Shakespeare, James and Yeats tiptoeing around the proverbial elephant in the room. None of us know what to do. We’ve phoned, texted, emailed and instant messaged the science lab, but I think they’re just over there having a good laugh over the whole matter. Meanwhile, here we are, the beneficiaries of Mr. McGlockton’s generous donation – and we’re all thumbs, in the accepted sense of the term.” (more…)


NFL Draft: Jets Select Calvin Pryor and Large Piece of Driftwood

Friday, May 9th, 2014
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NFL Drift. This piece of driftwood might set a new standard in the league this year.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Needing help in many areas, and with the 18th pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the New York Jets selected Louisville Free Safety, Calvin Pryor. They also traded up to select a twelve foot wide piece of driftwood.

“The piece of driftwood wasn’t even on the board, so, yeah, we were a little surprised,” said CBS Sports NFL analyst, Pete Prisco. “But when you break it down, it starts to make sense. This is a very large piece of driftwood, and if properly placed can wreak havoc on the running game. I can see some speedy backs having a tough time trying to elude this thing. I see it laying down a real hurtin’.” (more…)


More Allegations of Spying Arise as Belichick Seen Lurking Out John Fox’s Bedroom Window

Friday, January 17th, 2014
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Belichick At Your Cervix. Pats’ Head Coach claims he’s retrieving an errant golfball.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly seven years after Spygate, when New England Patriots’ Head Coach, Bill Belichick was fined $500,000 for videotaping New York Jets defensive signals during a regular season game, an even stranger incident has occurred.

Belichick was seen peering in the bedroom window of Denver Broncos’ Head Coach, John Fox to watch he and his wife engage in what Belichick calls ‘playing in the red zone.’

“Far be it from me to knock what a guy does on his down time.” sympathized Fox. “And lord knows he’s given a lot to this game, but it’s getting to be a fella can’t mount his wife without someone taking a peek.”

Dr. L. Xavier Menzies, a sports psychologist who grew up across the street from the Patriots’ coach was contacted by the Sportsman’s Daily and issued the following statement:  (more…)


Drunken Cousin Larry Tebow Shows His Stuff at Jets Game

Monday, September 10th, 2012

Piss Drunk. Larry Tebow in the third quarter.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It was all Mark Sanchez as the New York Jets won their first game of the season in a 48-28 shellacking of the Buffalo Bills on Sunday. Tim Tebow saw limited action, however it was another Tebow that’s been getting the headlines.

27 year old Larry Tebow, a stereo salesman from Peoria, Illinois came to support his cousin’s debut as a Jet, but when it became apparent he’d see only a few plays, the elder Tebow started tossing back the beers. (more…)


Antonio Cromartie Outdone by Warren Cromartie; Oddly Has One Kid With Seven Different Women

Thursday, April 19th, 2012

Father of the Year? Cro's kid makes debut in very strange way.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Jets cornerback, Antonio Cromartie made the headlines this week when news broke that he fathered ten children with eight different women in six states.

“The news was certainly stunning and puts Antonio in the unenviable position to be responsible to a whole lot of people over a wide expanse of land.” said Jets spokesperson Melvin Hobbs.

As unusual as Antonio Cromartie’s story may be, another Cromartie may have one upped him. Former Montreal Expos outfielder Warren Cromartie apparently fathered one child with seven different women in a twelve block area. (more…)


Christ Set to Go to NY Jets in Package Deal With Tebow

Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

Jesus Is Jacked! Christ is New York bound with Tim Tebow.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Denver Broncos have dealt Tim Tebow to the New York Jets for a fourth round draft pick. Once Peyton Manning chose Denver, the Tebow watch was on. In a move that surprises few, popular deity Jesus Christ has been thrown into the deal as he apparently never strays far from Tebow.

“I’m still thinking over whether or not I want to sell my chalet in Aspen.” quipped Christ. “I also have some beer distributorships in Denver and Fort Collins which I’m gonna hang on to for a bit, but New York is cool.” (more…)


Bandwagon Fans Line Up to Change Team Affiliations

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Jet Outta Here! These Jets fans say the honeymoon is over.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York City Police Department had to be brought in Sunday night to deal with a large crowd that assembled on the sidewalks outside NFL headquarters in Midtown Manhattan after the conclusion of the AFC Championship game.  The Pittsburgh Steelers won thegame, 24-19, over the New York Jets to advance to their record eighth Super Bowl.

The crowd was reportedly comprised of fans urgently seeking to petition the league office to change their team affiliations and become Pittsburgh Steeler fans.  More than ninety percent were reportedly former Dallas Cowboy fans, none of whom said they had ever lived in Texas  – or even Pennsylvania for that matter. (more…)


Joe Namath “Guarantees” Jets Victory Over Patriots Moments After Jets Beat Patriots

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

Former Jets quarterback Joe Namath, pictured in a fur coat on sideline circa 1970.

FOXBOROUGH, Mass — (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Moments after the Jets’ shocking 28-21 upset over the Patriots 28-21, quarterback legend “Broadway” Joe Namath staggered into the victorious Jets locker room and startled the assembled press corps by loudly guaranteeing a Jets victory over the Patriots — the very game that had ended just five minutes before.

“The Jets will win this afternoon, I guarantee it,” slurred Broadway Joe, his left arm draped across Renata De Santos, a comely sideline reporter who works for a morning TV show out of Sao Paulo, Brazil called “Up.”“I got some more guarantees,” he continued, sizing up the Brazilian reporter he was now openly fondling, “but that’s between me and this lady over here, ain’t that right sweetheart? Come here, give Joe Willie a kiss.” (more…)


Rex Ryan’s New Years Resolution: I’ll Commit to Being a Total Douchebag in ’11

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

Nouveau Douche. Rex Ryan gearing up for full douchedom.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan enjoys playing outside the rules. A sidelines tripping incident resulted in a season long suspension for strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi. Then Ryan got tripped up himself when a foot fetish video he made with his wife Michelle became the rage on YouTube.  However, Ryan admitted he only was displaying the tip of the iceberg when it comes to his rapscallion-like ways.

“I’ve been a little bit of a douchebag the last couple of seasons,” said Ryan. “In 2011 I plan to devote myself to becoming a total douchebag.” (more…)


Jets-Sponsored Anti-Sexual Harassment Program Expanded

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

Have a Nice Trip. The play that triggered it all.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Jets-sponsored Anti-Sexual Harassment Program will be expanded to include sideline conduct by players, team employees and guests the team reported today.  Triggered by the shocking video of a Jets employee tripping Dolphin Nolan Carroll, and supported by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the new expanded program will be 100% funded by the New York Jets organization. (more…)