Cryin' Ryan. Jets coach gets out of hand.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A visibly lighter and more motivated Rex Ryan said at the outset of this season that he was confident in his New York Jets this year. But the veteran coach was seething after Sunday’s devastating 34-0 shutout at the hands of the San Francisco 49ers. “It’s obviously unacceptable. It starts with the coaches.” he said. “The players – they’ve got to dig deep, look down at themselves.”

Ryan then added, “I didn’t mean wave an Echo® CS341 chainsaw recklessly around the sidelines midway through the fourth quarter, but I just felt I owed it to the guys. Sadly, in the name of making a point, a few limbs were lost. They’ll just have to man up and walk that shit off.”  (more…)

Piss Drunk. Larry Tebow in the third quarter.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It was all Mark Sanchez as the New York Jets won their first game of the season in a 48-28 shellacking of the Buffalo Bills on Sunday. Tim Tebow saw limited action, however it was another Tebow that’s been getting the headlines.

27 year old Larry Tebow, a stereo salesman from Peoria, Illinois came to support his cousin’s debut as a Jet, but when it became apparent he’d see only a few plays, the elder Tebow started tossing back the beers. (more…)

Father of the Year? Cro's kid makes debut in very strange way.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Jets cornerback, Antonio Cromartie made the headlines this week when news broke that he fathered ten children with eight different women in six states.

“The news was certainly stunning and puts Antonio in the unenviable position to be responsible to a whole lot of people over a wide expanse of land.” said Jets spokesperson Melvin Hobbs.

As unusual as Antonio Cromartie’s story may be, another Cromartie may have one upped him. Former Montreal Expos outfielder Warren Cromartie apparently fathered one child with seven different women in a twelve block area. (more…)

Jesus Is Jacked! Christ is New York bound with Tim Tebow.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Denver Broncos have dealt Tim Tebow to the New York Jets for a fourth round draft pick. Once Peyton Manning chose Denver, the Tebow watch was on. In a move that surprises few, popular deity Jesus Christ has been thrown into the deal as he apparently never strays far from Tebow.

“I’m still thinking over whether or not I want to sell my chalet in Aspen.” quipped Christ. “I also have some beer distributorships in Denver and Fort Collins which I’m gonna hang on to for a bit, but New York is cool.” (more…)

Chester Left to Fester. McGlockton awaits position in proper department.

CLEMSON, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former All-Pro Defensive Tackle, Chester McGlockton passed away of an apparent heart attack in November at the age of 42. But McGlockton wanted to leave a legacy beyond football.

“He signed his organ donor card, and made specific arrangements to leave his body to the science here at his alma mater, Clemson University.” said Assistant Dean, Roger Phillips. “Unfortunately, he accidentally left his remains to the English Department.”

“Awkward!” said English Department Chairperson, Sandra Wilcox. “Now what we’ve got are students intently focused on Shakespeare, James and Yeats tiptoeing around the proverbial elephant in the room. None of us know what to do. We’ve phoned, texted, emailed and instant messaged the science lab, but I think they’re just over there having a good laugh over the whole matter. Meanwhile, here we are, the beneficiaries of Mr. McGlockton’s generous donation – and we’re all thumbs, in the accepted sense of the term.” (more…)

Jet Outta Here! These Jets fans say the honeymoon is over.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York City Police Department had to be brought in Sunday night to deal with a large crowd that assembled on the sidewalks outside NFL headquarters in Midtown Manhattan after the conclusion of the AFC Championship game.  The Pittsburgh Steelers won thegame, 24-19, over the New York Jets to advance to their record eighth Super Bowl.

The crowd was reportedly comprised of fans urgently seeking to petition the league office to change their team affiliations and become Pittsburgh Steeler fans.  More than ninety percent were reportedly former Dallas Cowboy fans, none of whom said they had ever lived in Texas  - or even Pennsylvania for that matter. (more…)

Former Jets quarterback Joe Namath, pictured in a fur coat on sideline circa 1970.

FOXBOROUGH, Mass — (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Moments after the Jets’ shocking 28-21 upset over the Patriots 28-21, quarterback legend “Broadway” Joe Namath staggered into the victorious Jets locker room and startled the assembled press corps by loudly guaranteeing a Jets victory over the Patriots — the very game that had ended just five minutes before.

“The Jets will win this afternoon, I guarantee it,” slurred Broadway Joe, his left arm draped across Renata De Santos, a comely sideline reporter who works for a morning TV show out of Sao Paulo, Brazil called “Up.”“I got some more guarantees,” he continued, sizing up the Brazilian reporter he was now openly fondling, “but that’s between me and this lady over here, ain’t that right sweetheart? Come here, give Joe Willie a kiss.” (more…)

Nouveau Douche. Rex Ryan gearing up for full douchedom.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan enjoys playing outside the rules. A sidelines tripping incident resulted in a season long suspension for strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi. Then Ryan got tripped up himself when a foot fetish video he made with his wife Michelle became the rage on YouTube.  However, Ryan admitted he only was displaying the tip of the iceberg when it comes to his rapscallion-like ways.

“I’ve been a little bit of a douchebag the last couple of seasons,” said Ryan. “In 2011 I plan to devote myself to becoming a total douchebag.” (more…)

Have a Nice Trip. The play that triggered it all.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Jets-sponsored Anti-Sexual Harassment Program will be expanded to include sideline conduct by players, team employees and guests the team reported today.  Triggered by the shocking video of a Jets employee tripping Dolphin Nolan Carroll, and supported by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the new expanded program will be 100% funded by the New York Jets organization. (more…)