Posts Tagged ‘New York Knicks’

Lockdown: Introducing TSD’s Sideline Reporter Ric “Word” Testaverde, Federal Inmate 18230-1113

Tuesday, September 20th, 2016

 

 

TSD’s “sideline” reporter, Ric Testaverde.

 

Ric “Word” Testaverde

First, a shout out to my boys over at the Daily. Taking a shot on an inmate ain’t no simple thing. I mean, anyone who been reading my shit for the past four years knows I got game. Of course if you’ve been reading my shit you’re doing time, unless you’re one of them fucked up cats that subscribe to prison rags – in which case you’re probably some fat, horny chick with a big ole ass hanging out of a thong who likes baking us them cakes that taste like burnt rubber and cotton balls. Big Sid over in Cell Block C, he sucks em down, me, I get one of them nasty ass things and I’m putting it under the pillow of some cat whose head I wanna see over a toilet bowl, puke pouring out like shit from a busted septic tank.

But I got to give the TSD dudes props – not just for giving me a shot, but hey, I’m out in three years and I’ll be looking for a steady gig. I been in five federal pens in the past eight years. The day I’m out first place I go is the Daily home office to thank the fellas and make a couple of calls. I got plans. (more…)


From the Archives: Huge Turd in Knicks’ Locker Room Toilet Still There After One Week

Monday, March 21st, 2016

It’s In There. Huge clump of crap holding it’s own.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A massive turd, possibly deposited by a New York Knicks player, remains in the third stall from the left inside the team’s locker room.

“I’d like to get to the bottom of this — in a manner of speaking.” said assistant locker room attendant, Joey “The Mop” Ciavelli. “This puppy’s a real fuckin’ behemoth — intact since it was left — it climbs up the sides of the bowl, breaking the water line. My guess is it’s either the work of (6’7” forward) Quincy Acy or (7’0’ forward-center) Jason Smith. It’s been there so long, it’s beginning to lose it’s aroma. I’m Italian, so I know aromas.”  (more…)


A TSD Classique: Twenty-two Year Old Stuck in 1967 to Finally Get His Shot at the NBA

Tuesday, June 16th, 2015
Outta the Hoop. Corey Adams has been stuck in the same day in 1967 for forty-one years. Here is the last known photo of Adams as he prepares for a college game (circa 1966). He will be transported to 2009 next week and begin an NBA career that’s been stalled for decades.

Outta the Hoop. Corey Adams has been stuck in the same day in 1967 for forty-five years. Here is the last known photo of Adams as he prepares for a college game (circa 1966). He will be transported to 2014 next week and begin an NBA career this fall that’s been stalled for decades.

TRENTON, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  — Corey Adams is 22 years old, and by his own admission hasn’t been able step out of the 1960’s. But he’s not speaking figuratively. Adams is not a 21st century kid living in the past by listening to his dad’s old Beatles 45’s or watching Get Smart on YouTube. He’s actually stuck in a time-space continuum and has lived the same day over and over, March 12, 1967, for the past forty-five years.

Adams has been able to communicate with those living in 2014 through a tiny spatial wormhole located just behind the tube of Brycreem on his dresser. (more…)


Knicks Fan Tells Wife She Can Watch Whatever She Likes on Big TV

Thursday, February 5th, 2015
Bored-sports-fan

Remote Spewing. Nick Garrison succumbs to hopelessness. 

TENAFLY, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nick Garrison, 34, a lifelong New York Knicks fan, has resigned himself to the fact that he made a gross error picking this season to purchase the NBA package on DirecTV, and has turned over the remote to his wife, Katie, 31.

“She likes Downton Abbey, and given the Knicks’ woeful season, I’m letting her watch it on the 52 inch as opposed to the 26 incher in the upstairs spare bedroom,” Garrison lamented. “Quite frankly, I might just watch it with her. Maybe I’ll get a bump in IQ points after exposing myself to high British culture.”    (more…)


Woody Allen’s Next Film Denies Existence of Knicks

Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

Pearl Knick-less. If Woody Allen has his way, it will be as if Earl “The Pearl” Monroe and everything connected to the Knicks never existed.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Film Director Woody Allen is returning to New York for his next feature film, a yet untitled work that suggests the New York Knicks never existed in any time or any place.

“As most people know, I love the Knicks as most New Yorkers did at one time,” said the 79 year old filmmaker who has had season tickets since the 1970’s. “But of course those were the Knicks of Reed, Bradley, Frazier, and my personal favorite, Earl Monroe. What we’ve endured the past thirty years is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Therefore my latest work will depict the organization as having never existed. I just think it’s best for everyone.” (more…)


Knicks Still Alive But Large, Ominous Cyst Appears in Locker Room

Monday, May 7th, 2012

Melo Fellow. Carmelo Anthony dropped 41 on Heat, but was overshadowed by large mass.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Knicks rode a 41 point performance by Carmelo Anthony, staving off elimination and defeating the heavily favored Miami Heat on Sunday, pushing the series to a Game 5.

“We’re still alive!” said point guard Baron Davis.

Davis’ enthusiasm was quickly quelled when a large, grey, spongey mass rolled into the locker room seconds after the victory interfering with reporters questions, and players toweling off. The near 12 meter object was reported to give off the faint whiff of despair.  (more…)


Amar’e Stoudemire Planned to Put Severed Hand For Sale on Ebay

Friday, May 4th, 2012

Handy Guy. Amar'e Stoudemire's hand could have been eBay bound.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Once the grizzly circumstances surrounding Amar’e Stoudemire’s dangling hand came to light, the New York Knicks superstar said if the hand couldn’t be saved he was prepared to auction it off on eBay®.

“It’s a perfectly good hand, suitable for framing or a lovely coffee table conversation piece. As you can see, I had a contingency plan if I was going to lose the hand. I figured why not make a buck. The upshot is I can still play some one handed piano pieces.” (more…)


Linsanity Ends with a Shrug and a Class Action Law Suit

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

The definition of Linsanity: Knicks fans expecting a different result.

 

New York, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the Knicks’  losing streak now at six with last night’s 104-99 loss to the  Chicago Bulls, the brief period of Linsanity has come crashing down with the force of a two-megaton buzz-kill. Some of the team’s most stalwart fans have lapsed into their more accustomed state of jaded indifference.

“When JR Smith dribbled the ball off his leg and out of bounds, then on the next play drove into the teeth of the Bulls’ defense to attempt an ill-advised finger roll, normally my blood would be boiling, I mean, literally boiling,” said Knicks’ fan Woody Allen. “In fact, I once badly scalded two opticians sitting in Row Three when little Nate Robinson airballed a slam dunk. I’d be gripped by total, irrational rage, like an old Jew from Miami sending back a cold bowl of oatmeal. But after dropping their sixth straight all I felt was…intense indifference. If I wanted indifference I’d still be having once-a-month sex with Mia.” (more…)


Carmelo Anthony Signals Renewed Commitment by Trimming Posse

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

Formerly a member of Carmelo Anthony's posse, Clayton Raines leaves for job interview dressed for excess.

NEW YORK – (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Determined to show New York Knicks fans that he’s intent on bringing winning basketball back to the “World’s Most Famous Arena,” Carmelo Anthony underscored his seriousness by slimming down his posse.

While most New Yorkers surveyed applauded ‘Melo’s new ‘tude, cynics insist it was his wife,  La La Vasquez, who put her foot down and forced the Brooklyn native to throw his coterie of do-nothing hangers-on overboard. Others, chiefly a cadre of accountants and  money managers who counsel professional athletes, view the move as a  “welcome embrace of fiscal responsibility.” (more…)


LeBron Wins Special Oscar® for Outstanding Achievement in Sports Entertainment Douche Baggery

Monday, February 28th, 2011

LeBron Hits the Douche. Oscar® winner James is in the stratosphere.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Miami Heat Forward LeBron James played opposite himself Sunday evening in a manner of speaking. He was unable to collect his special Academy Award in Los Angeles as he was busy in Miami losing to the retooled, New York Knicks 91-86.

James infuriated the city of Cleveland last year when he spurned the fans and the Cavaliers by picking the Heat as his new team in a highly publicized press conference event.

“In essence he cast himself as the villain,” said Academy member, Clifford Stokes. “And since the line between sports and entertainment gets blurrier every day, we felt it was time LeBron get an award he really deserves. That’s why we voted him this special Oscar® for Outstanding Achievement in Sports Entertainment Douche Baggery.” (more…)


Knicks Owner James Dolan Also Has Sights on Larry Brown

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Bullets Over Broadway? Maybe, if Isiah takes the gig.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — In a controversial move that has confounded Knicks fans, league officials, and just about anyone who casually follows professional sports – or high profile sex harassment cases — Knicks owner James Dolan is planing to re-hire Isaish Thomas, whose failure as Knicks GM was nothing short of epic. Dolan appears to be doubling down by looking to re-engage Larry Brown, whose failure in his single season as Knicks coach caused super fan Woody Allen such agida he quit New York to make an succession of films in Europe. (more…)


Lifelong Knicks Fan Falls Helplessly in Love with Celtics

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As the Celtics mounted a furious come-from behind fourth quarter rally to stun the Orlando Magic 92-88 and go up 3-2 in their Eastern Conference semi-final,  47 year old Knicks fan Ira Berday found himself chewing on a bath towel and weeping uncontrollably. It was then that the New Jersey native now living in Boca Raton, Florida realized he’d fallen hard.

How a staunch  Knicks fan who grew up with posters of Willis Reed and Walt “Clyde” Frazier on his bedroom walls, who lived and died with the Knicks of Bernard King, John Starks, Patrick Ewing – even Stephon Marbury for goodness sakes – could find himself starry-eyed over a team he once loathed is a mystery – particularly to Mr. Berday. (more…)