Posts Tagged ‘New York Mets’

From the Archives: Down on Luck Lenny Dykstra Sells Dentures on eBay

Tuesday, October 25th, 2016

Glass Act. Lenny Dykstra’s teeth include this collectible glass container.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, CA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) How the mighty have fallen. Once a baseball all-star and stock picker to the stars, former outfielder, Lenny Dykstra, now spends his days toiling away in prison. His rap sheet reads like the credits on a blockbuster movie…long.

Now, the man they called “Nails” will take whatever bucks he can as he’s just put his dentures up for bid on eBay. No takers as of yet. (more…)

Middle Finger to be Seamlessly Integrated into Nationals’ Batting Signs for 2017

Friday, October 14th, 2016

The Bird at Third. Nats Third Base Coach, Bob Henley, will add the middle digit to his routine under the direction of Dusty Baker.

VIERA, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A lot was expected of the Washington Nationals this season, but they came up short in 2016 after losing the NLDS to the Los Angeles Dodgers. They’re the odds on favorite to win the NL East again in 2017 and go deep into the post season.  So, the idea of mixing things up in what appears to be a template for winning, might seem ill advised. However, that’s exactly what they’ll try out in spring training next February. Manager Dusty Baker has asked his coaches to employ the middle finger to his series of signs this season, and the staff said yes.

“Flipping someone off has long been my thing.” said Third Base Coach, Bob Henley. “So when Dusty asked me to add it, I couldn’t wait.”

Some of the Nationals players initially took offense to the idea of using sign, but most have accepted it. Now, several opposing teams are saying they’ll take the sign personally.   (more…)

From the Archives: Steve Bartman Found Lurking In Cubs’ Laundry

Tuesday, September 6th, 2016

The Bart Cart. Steve Bartman wheels around in Cubs’ laundry. Could more disappointment be far behind?

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Steve Bartman, the ostracized Chicago Cubs fan, who famously interfered with a catchable ball in the 2003 NLCS, and possibly thwarted the Cubs’ chances of making the World Series, is back.

The bespectacled Bartman was seen nestled amongst tee shirts and athletic supporters in the Cubs’ laundry bins at Wrigley Field.

“He’s up to something,” said Cubs’ manager, Joe Maddon. “And I gotta be honest, it makes me a little queasy.”

Any mention of Bartman stirs up deep emotion with many Cubs fans. Some have forgiven him, but others can’t let go of the infamous Chicagoan. (more…)

From the Archives: Mound Visit Gets Awkward When Terry Collins Admits Knowing Whereabouts of Missing Bat Boy

Thursday, July 28th, 2016
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Dead Batboy Era? Sort of.

FLUSHING, QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The pennant races are heating up. Often times traditional strategies are kicked to the curb for the unusual. However, even veteran New York Mets devotees were perplexed about halfway through the top of the fourth inning in yesterday’s 4-0 victory over the Colorado Rockies at CITI Field.

Manager Terry Collins wanted to have a little chat with starting hurler Matt Harvey. The oddly timed confab brought pitching coach Dan Warthen to the hill. That’s when Collins spilled the beans as to the whereabouts of missing bat boy, Danny Kesler.  (more…)

Due To Sign Stealing, Mets to Speak in Mafia Code for Remainder of Season

Tuesday, June 21st, 2016

The Stand Up. The Mets arranging a sit down, standing up. Get used to it.

FLUSHING QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Despite a bumpy week, the New York Mets feel the National League East is up for grabs. Now, after discovering opposing teams have been stealing their signs, the team has elected to scrap traditional baseball signals relayed to the third base coach, and communicate with each other by using elaborate Mafia code. Each player will be briefed privately before each game as to the meaning of individual phrases used by organized crime. Mafiaspeak like “The Brooklyn Thing,” “That Other Thing,” “The Jersey Guy,” “Buy Yourself Somethin’ Nice,” and “The Luchesse Hit” will all refer to direct orders from the manager. However, a buffer will be used between the manager and players. Also, the meanings of the code may change every day or even several times throughout the day.   (more…)

A TSD Classique: Mr. Met Admits He Does Porn

Thursday, April 28th, 2016


Met Me in St. Louis! This undated photo clearly shows Mr. Met hitting his mark in one of his early porn efforts shot while the team was on the road playing the Cardinals. Met, who doesn’t often travel with the team, insisted at the time the trip was only about baseball.

FLUSHING QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— In a shocking development that occurred late last night, ownership announced that long time Mets mascot Mr. Met has been fired.

Met (Metropolitan), who has delighted fans of all ages for generations, apparently also delighted in making hardcore adult films during the off season. Met produced and directed many of the films he starred including Getting to Third, My Head Is a Ball, and Between the Stitches Part IV.

“He set up shop in Brooklyn,” said Mets spokesperson Jerry Kellerman. “It was a fairly sophisticated operation and perfectly legal by the way, but we just can’t employ a mascot who runs around the stadium handing out refrigerator magnets to moms, dads, and nine year olds during a home stand then turning around and having women dressed as ball girls double tonguing his taint.” (more…)

Bristol-Myers Squibb Recalls Cholesterol Fighting Ballpark Hot Dog

Tuesday, March 8th, 2016
Hot Dog

Clog With the Works. This dog may not clog your arteries, but it ain’t that great either.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Intended as a way to make an iconic ballpark food healthier, pharmaceutical giant, Bristol-Myers Squibb debuted a cholesterol fighting hot dog this week. Almost immediately, they’ve announced they will recall over twelve million frankfurters distributed to ten Major League parks after receiving thousands of complaints. Many who tried the wieners expressed dissatisfaction with the flavor, claiming it had a strong medicinal taste.

“Not to be a whiner, but fusing a bitter, metallic aftertaste with mustard and relish on an all beef frank isn’t exactly my idea of a pleasant afternoon at the yard.” said New York Mets fan Herb Lansing, of Brooklyn. “I appreciate the fellas over at Bristol-Myers Squibb trying to be all preventative and shit by putting the cholesterol fighting drug into the actual high cholesterol food and all, but they’re gonna need to go back to the drawing board on this one.” (more…)

Tom Seaver Normalizes Relations With Cuba

Monday, February 22nd, 2016

Beat of the Tom Toms. Seaver hurls.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame pitcher, and former New York Mets and Cincinnati Reds great, Tom Seaver has announced he’s normalized relations with longtime political foe, Cuba.

“Yes, I was just like everyone else. Though I abhorred communism, I too had my Cohiba Habanas smuggled in under the cloak of night, so I could partake in their rich, tobaccoey goodness,” the 311 game winner admitted puffing away on a 7 X 47 Esplendidos. “Now, everything’s above board. As I’ve gotten older, I’m mellowed. Mellowed much like the long draw I’m currently enjoying on this finely cured Cuban leaf hand rolled by true artists — then a gentle au revoir to billows of decadent smoke followed by a Gran Marnier chaser.”  (more…)

Daniel Murphy Bobbles Eggs and Bacon Breakfast at IHOP

Monday, November 2nd, 2015

Murphy’s Law. Oops. Sports psychologists on standby.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Mets second baseman, Daniel Murphy made critical errors on consecutive nights adding to his team’s batch of costly mistakes ultimately resulting in his team losing the World Series. The Kansas City Royals defeated the Mets four games to one capturing just its second championship in team history.

Murphy, who dominated the first two rounds of the post-season with seven homers, all but disappeared offensively in the Fall Classic. But his glove, or lack thereof, took center stage. The sudden proclivity for booting things followed him into a local IHOP this morning. The infielder ordered scrambled eggs, bacon, a short stack, and coffee, but when the food arrived, he was unable to keep any of it on the table. Small children ran for cover as strips of crisp bacon were flying everywhere. (more…)

From the Archives: Man Spends All Nine Innings Telling Grandson How Baseball Has Changed

Thursday, October 29th, 2015

Brutal Game. Ethan Terry gets a dose of reality.

PHOENIX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Lou Terry has been a baseball fan for more than 60 years. He’s seen a lot come and go. The lifelong Mets fan has spent the last nine years living in Arizona. When his grandson Ethan was town for a visit, he figured it’d be the perfect opportunity to take in a ballgame since the Mets were the visiting team.

At first it seemed just like a normal grandfather-grandson get together — enjoying pregame warm ups, having a hot dog and munching on peanuts, and marveling at the spectacle that is the grand old game. But by the 4th inning, Ethan realized he was in for a difficult afternoon. (more…)

TSD Celebrates “Back To The Future” Day with Back to the Not So Distant Future Day

Wednesday, October 21st, 2015

Is It Today Already? It is.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Today is Back To The Future day, marking Marty McFly’s futuristic flight to October 21, 2015, as imagined from 1985, when telephones were all leashed and something called the Internet was a sleepy backwater for a handful of military folk and academic researchers. While the film scored some direct hits — wearable technology, video calls, fingerprint recognition — some predictions fell well wide of the mark, though with driverless cars on the horizon can flying cars be that far behind? (more…)

After NLDS Loss, Dodgers’ Joc Pederson Demoted to Bat Boy

Friday, October 16th, 2015
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All “Peder”ed Out. Little Joc has about had it.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Mets defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers 3-2 on Thursday night to move on the NLCS against the Chicago Cubs. Afterward, Dodgers rookie outfielder, Joc Pederson was demoted to bat boy. The 23 year-old Southern California native wasn’t too pleased with the decision, even complaining to an umpire.

“Given his performance in the post-season, we feel this reality check is necessary,” said NBA Hall of Famer and high profile member of the Dodgers ownership group, Magic Johnson. “All of us have to take a step backwards sometimes and reevaluate, reassess our place within a team structure. Well, most people that is. I never had to because I was fuckin’ great all the time, but most mortals.” (more…)