Posts Tagged ‘New York Yankees’

From the Archives: Joe Girardi Operates Massive Crystal Meth Network From Yankee Dugout

Monday, May 23rd, 2016
Empire

Breaking Balls. Is Girardi and the Evil Empire ramping things up? Just do the meth.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Until last night, New York Yankees manager, Joe Girardi had repeatedly denied any knowledge of the vast and intricate crystal meth network that originates from his clubhouse and dugout, but as the evidence mounted against him, he came clean.

“OK, if you must know, the lab is over in New Jersey.” the Bronx Bombers’ skipper chimed. “Usually around the fourth inning, I start processing orders. Naturally, if any punk ass motherfucker gets in the way of business, I’m forced into doing a little mop up job. That is also handled on the Jersey side.”

Oddly enough, crystal meth is not on Major League Baseball’s banned substance list because Commissioner Bud Selig figured no one would use it anyway. (more…)


Local Man Eliminates Wife’s Ill-Timed Chatter During Games with Noise Cancelling Headphones

Thursday, March 3rd, 2016
QuietPoint1-500x375 (1)

It’s A Shutout! Rich enjoys his Bronx Bombers in utter peace.

WILKES-BARRE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Rich Semanski works hard and plays hard. He also claims he likes to “relax hard” by kicking back with his favorite ice cold adult beverage and some conveniently placed snacks and take in his beloved New York Yankees every evening. His wife Darlene has historically given him his space in those precious three hours, but lately has violated his unwritten “do not disturb” edict with her “wait’ll ya hear what my sister Kim and her husband Donnie just did” ramblings and “is it a commercial yet?” or “did you pay the water bill?” queries at pivotal turning points in the game. The distractions also come during key in-game analysis or “that really cool commercial” Semanski fancies. (more…)


From the Archives: ARod Compensates for Feelings of Inadequacy By Switching to 36 Inch Bat

Thursday, February 18th, 2016

Out With the Old. ARod is going large.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees infielder Alex Rodriguez, one of the major offensive forces in baseball the past fifteen seasons, isn’t feeling the love. The man known as ARod has alienated himself from teammates, management, fans, and perhaps most disconcertingly, romantic partners.

“Hear me ladies. I need to take charge.” Rodriguez told the Lexington Avenue Women’s Book Club yesterday, moments after reading excerpts from a newly discovered work by W. B. Yeats. “Therefore, I am switching from my beloved 34 inch, 31 ounce ash bat, to a 40 ounce, 36 inch lovely made from maple. I cut the tree down myself. This is a statement bat, a ‘size does matter’ kind of bat.”

Nancy Cameron, 42, of Yonkers was stifling a huge laugh as the Yankees slugger addressed the women’s club.  (more…)


Yankees Fan Awakens From 48 Year Coma: “What’s All This Playoff Shit?”

Tuesday, August 18th, 2015

Just Yankees Your Chain? Apparently not. The playoffs are here to stay.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Roger Simpson, 66, of Staten Island, New York, has been a lifelong Yankees fan. He idolized the Bronx Bombers from when he was boy in the mid 1950’s. In 1967, the then 21 year old Simpson was speeding down the 8th Avenue in Manhattan on a motor scooter and ran into a crosstown bus. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and didn’t regain consciousness for decades. Simpson woke up on Saturday to find his sister Carol by his side.

“Almost immediately, he wanted to know how the Yankees were doing.” Carol Simpson-Cotter, 63, of Tenafly, New Jersey said. “He had a lot of catching up to do. He was unaware that Yankee Stadium has been torn down and replaced by a new one, he missed out on a seven world titles, and I had to explain to him what a Steinbrenner was.”  (more…)


Four Out of Five Doctors Agree Reggie is Still an Asshole

Monday, July 13th, 2015

 

Jackass. Reggie Jackson apparently can still deliver the goods.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame slugger Reggie Jackson may have mellowed over the years, but it seems the overall personality traits that often infuriated managers, fans, opponents and teammates alike remain firmly intact.

“I feel like if I know a fastball is coming, I can still jack one out of the yard,” said the  66 year old Jackson. “That’s a nice feeling to have. Its also a nice feeling to know that I can bewilder most pea brained homunculi with my near genius 149 IQ, witty repartie, still dashing good looks, and life-of-the-party magnetism. But be rest assured that should my sole recourse be rolling around in the intellectual mud, I can motherfuck someone up and down with the best of them.”

“Yep, he’s still an asshole,” said former Yankees teammate Craig Nettles. “That’s Reggie talking.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Alex Rodriguez Installs Applause Sign in Bedroom; Adds Studio Audience

Thursday, July 9th, 2015

Cameron-shy? Nope. A-Rod and Diaz enjoying a moment.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez’ towering insecurities and overarching narcissism both on and off the field are legendary.  Now, the third baseman has decided to install a flashing applause sign in his bedroom.

The move has apparently worked as girlfriend Cameron Diaz has jumped to her feet on several occasions – clapping wildly and whistling while in the middle of wet and torrid sexual encounters. (more…)


Astronomers Confirm CC Sabathia Is Moving One Quarter Inch Per Year

Monday, June 15th, 2015

 

The Inertia of Sabathia? From space, traceable movement has been detected.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Astronomers from the Palomar Observatory astro-physics lab located at the California Institute of Technology have discovered that New York Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia is moving one quarter inch per year, confirming the find yesterday afternoon.  Bogged down by an ever expanding belly an insatiable appetite for carbohydrates, Sabbathia has been rumored to have moved in the past.

“Though undetectable with the naked eye, we can confirm that Mr. Sabathia is actually moving.” said Dr. Conrad Dimler. “I would describe his movement as glacial, but that would be an insult to glaciers. Bottom line, we’re talking about a very large human being with exceptionally slow locomotion – about a quarter inch over a twelve month cycle. We feel that if he were to shed say, twelve metric tons, we may see a noticeable increase in movement. We’re observing his polar caps next.”

Yankees manager Joe Girardi was thrilled to learn Sabathia is in motion. (more…)


A-Rod Promises To Hit Home Run for Perfectly Healthy, Rich Kid

Friday, May 22nd, 2015

 

Yard Work. H. Prescott Kent lunching on his fabulously sprawling estate in Southampton with his Aunt Carolyn. They’re celebrating Prescott’s good news that a famous Latin athlete will “go yard” just for him.

LONG ISLAND, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just days before his twenty-first birthday, H. Prescott Kent of the Southampton, New York Kents, learned he’d be receiving an unusual present. Slugger Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees announced he would hit a homerun for the young, cultivated eligible bachelor. Kent says he’s not a baseball fan, but may look in on the proceedings in a game scheduled against the Texas Rangers this weekend. “It’s nice of Mr. Rod to do whatever he’s going to do for me,” Kent said. “If I’m so inclined, I may take in the game live or watch it in Daddy’s study.” (more…)


Thurman Munson Comeback Considered Really F*%kin’ Creepy; In Poor Taste

Wednesday, May 13th, 2015

 

 

He Da Mun! The late Thurman Munson’s got big plans.

 

AKRON, OHIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Late New York Yankees catcher Thurman Munson, who was killed in an airplane crash in 1979, refuses to go away peacefully. Several eyewitnesses attest to seeing Munson practicing takeoffs and landings in an empty field. Others claim they’ve seen the long deceased catcher aimlessly wandering the baseball diamond at Coventry Municipal Park.

Admired for his grit and determination, the former American League Rookie of the Year and MVP, was one of the most beloved members of the Bronx Bombers during the 1970’s. (more…)


Yankees Unfriend A-Rod on Facebook

Monday, March 30th, 2015
arod cigar

A-Rude.  “You Need People Like Me!” A-Rod chimed while lighting up and doing his Tony Montana impression for a few select hangers on.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Yankees have over six million likes on their Facebook fan page, but only a few hundred “friends” on their personal page.  For years, Alex Rodriguez was a close friend, firmly entrenched in the Bronx Bomber inner circle. When the embattled slugger woke up this morning to the news he’d been unfriended by the team, he took it in stride.

“I’ve still got plenty of friends.” Rodriguez murmured in a false bravado, choking back the tears and sniffing back snot. “Granted, most of them have sordid pasts and police records. But I think they kind of like me. If they don’t like me, I can have them roughed up or worse. That way they’ll like me forever and ever.”  (more…)


Red Sox Test Small Nuclear Device at Spring Training Site

Friday, February 20th, 2015

 

 

A Blast to Left Field! This small nuke escalates the war between the Sox and Yanks. Take note AL East!

 

FORT MYERS, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In their continual effort to keep up with their chief rival, New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox successfully detonated a small nuclear device yesterday at their spring training facility in Fort Myers.

“It seemed to go off without a hitch. We’re thrilled.” said Red Sox principal owner, John Henry. “However, I am concerned a bit about the three flying cigar-shaped discs that hovered around the facility for nearly twenty minutes after the explosion. They suddenly darted away at incomprehensible speeds. It was either a scouting mission from the NGC-4414 galaxy or the Steinbrenner brothers are up to something.” (more…)


First Dozen Yankees Fans Receive a Chunk of Derek Jeter

Friday, September 26th, 2014
jeter

You Wanna Piece of Me? Well, some Yankees fans got just that.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The first twelve New York Yankees fans at Thursday night’s farewell to Derek Jeter at Yankee Stadium, received a chunk of All-Star shortstop and baseball deity, after the Bronx Bombers defeated the visiting Baltimore Orioles 6-5 on his walk-off hit.

“I got his right leg,” chimed 11 year old, Timmy Logan, of Wayne, New Jersey. “I’ll treasure it forever. I plan on sleeping with it under my pillow.”

Jeter, who has been lavished with gifts across baseball, decided to give back. He hired professional chainsaw artist, David Manson, to hack off select parts of his body for a lucky few adoring fans to have as keepsakes.

“What better memento for a fan, than giving of yourself, literally,” said baseball historian, Peter Gammons. “I wouldn’t mind hanging his shoulder in my study. With the proper lighting, it’d be quite the conversation piece.”

Jeter, the Yankee’s all-time hit leader, and sixth in the game’s history, is a first ballot Hall of Famer, but has recently come under scrutiny by some powerful media members for perceived grandstanding during his much ballyhooed swan song.  (more…)