Posts Tagged ‘NFL’

Jaguars Summon Spirit of Strother Martin to Help Team Get Their Minds Right

Friday, December 2nd, 2016
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Brother Strother Has Spoken. Martin lays down the law.

JACKSONVILLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Jacksonville Jaguars are struggling with another long season after after their sixth consecutive loss and ninth overall. However, if team ownership has anything to say about, things might change sooner than later. Moments after their 28-21 loss to Buffalo, the team asked Father Michael Rabisi to summon the spirit of character actor, Strother Martin. Martin, who passed away in 1980, was known for playing no nonsense characters, including his noteworthy portrayal of “The Captain” in 1967’s Cool Hand Luke with Paul Newman.

“The plan was to have Mr. Martin conjured up in his Captain persona and lay down the law,” said team owner, Shahid Kahn. “And, thanks to Father Rabisi, he did.”  (more…)


From the Archives: Cheesehead Dies; Cholesterol Level Induces Massive Stroke

Wednesday, May 11th, 2016

Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan’s hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” (more…)


Super Bowl: Tom Brady Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, February 8th, 2016

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. Brady was “manning” the dip.

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)


Giants’ Jason Pierre-Paul Feels He Can “Walk Off” Pain of Latest Amputation

Monday, December 14th, 2015
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Head Games. JPP says he’ll soldier through.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Giants Defensive End, Jason Pierre-Paul who lost his right index finger after a freak fireworks accident this past July 4th, is confident he can bounce back from his latest injury by simply “walking it off.”  (more…)


Turkey Executed at Dawn Wins Camp David Football Pool

Tuesday, November 24th, 2015
One Lucky Turkey. Baker, the turkey is a bit cocksure of himself.

One Lucky Turkey. Baker, the turkey is a bit cocksure of himself.

WASHINGTON, DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Just minutes after President Obama pardoned “Flyer,” the National Thanksgiving Turkey, the President condemned another Turkey, named “Baker,” to die. Baker, whose final wish was to spend his last day with the First Famiy, was executed at dawn in a solemn ceremony attended by the President and First Lady. (more…)


Oakland Raiders Assure NFL League Office Al Davis is Still Dead

Wednesday, September 16th, 2015

So Photogenic. Raiders owner Al Davis frightened school children for decades just by saying “hello.”

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He was the original maverick owner. His aggressive and often hostile business approach ruffled more than a few feathers. Apparently, over the past two seasons, there have been numerous Al Davis sightings, prompting certain higher ups in the NFL to speculate whether or not he’s still alive.
(more…)


Tom Brady Nukes Buffalo; Exonerated On All Charges

Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
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Bombs Away! TB unleashes his aerial circus on Buffalo!

NEW ENGLAND UNDISCLOSED (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fresh off of having his 4-game suspension nullified, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady celebrated by wiping an AFC rival off the map, literally. Brady obtained some plutonium and fashioned a two-megaton nuclear device in his media room with some teammates. He then flew the bomb to Buffalo and blew it up. (more…)


Eagles Fans Hold Out Hope in Easter Island, Time Warp, Blood Moon, Second Tuesday, Fault Line, Pyramid Apex, Fiery Death of Jerry Jones Scenario

Monday, December 22nd, 2014
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Eagles Island? Part of the series of events to occur to get Philly in.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After being in the driver’s seat of the NFC East just three short weeks ago, the Philadelphia Eagles find themselves eliminated from the post season — bounced out after the Dallas Cowboy’s convincing 42-7 drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday.

But are they really out?

Tony Locatelli of South Philadelphia is part of a growing group of Eagles fans that are clinging to a little known, but legitimate scenario that might get their beloved Eagles to the playoffs.  (more…)


43 Year Old Unemployed Man Won’t Come out of Tiny Apartment till Madden Returns

Friday, December 5th, 2014
Going Mad for Madden. Carl Oschal continues to aimlessly wander his apartment.

Going Mad for Madden. Carl Oschal continues to aimlessly wander his apartment.

COURTDALE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Carl Oschal, a 43 year old former music store manager is currently unemployed.  Already angry and frustrated at the sorry state of the music business, Oschal poured his energies into following baseball and especially football.

(more…)


NFL Draft: Jets Select Calvin Pryor and Large Piece of Driftwood

Friday, May 9th, 2014
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NFL Drift. This piece of driftwood might set a new standard in the league this year.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Needing help in many areas, and with the 18th pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the New York Jets selected Louisville Free Safety, Calvin Pryor. They also traded up to select a twelve foot wide piece of driftwood.

“The piece of driftwood wasn’t even on the board, so, yeah, we were a little surprised,” said CBS Sports NFL analyst, Pete Prisco. “But when you break it down, it starts to make sense. This is a very large piece of driftwood, and if properly placed can wreak havoc on the running game. I can see some speedy backs having a tough time trying to elude this thing. I see it laying down a real hurtin’.” (more…)


More Allegations of Spying Arise as Belichick Seen Lurking Out John Fox’s Bedroom Window

Friday, January 17th, 2014
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Belichick At Your Cervix. Pats’ Head Coach claims he’s retrieving an errant golfball.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly seven years after Spygate, when New England Patriots’ Head Coach, Bill Belichick was fined $500,000 for videotaping New York Jets defensive signals during a regular season game, an even stranger incident has occurred.

Belichick was seen peering in the bedroom window of Denver Broncos’ Head Coach, John Fox to watch he and his wife engage in what Belichick calls ‘playing in the red zone.’

“Far be it from me to knock what a guy does on his down time.” sympathized Fox. “And lord knows he’s given a lot to this game, but it’s getting to be a fella can’t mount his wife without someone taking a peek.”

Dr. L. Xavier Menzies, a sports psychologist who grew up across the street from the Patriots’ coach was contacted by the Sportsman’s Daily and issued the following statement:  (more…)


Bolivia Says It Will Grant Asylum to Aaron Hernandez

Tuesday, July 9th, 2013

Venezuela and Nicaragua Also in Asylum Bidding War

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Aaron Go Bo. Bolivia Bound for AH? Time will tell.

LA PAZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Denouncing the United States’ refusal to drop charges against former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez, Bolivia said it will grant asylum to the former All-Pro.

“He’s a fine athlete. I’m sure he’ll learn the nuances of fútbol.” said Bolivian President, Evo Morales. “Besides, who better to settle a score between enraged fans?”

Hernandez, was arrested in connection with multiple gun-related charges including three murders.

Hernandez has found it difficult to get to Bolivia, since his current place of residence is the Bristol County Jail.  (more…)