When In Doubt, Hunt. The massive search is still on for Lamar Landmesser.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The nail biting 4th quarter of Super Bowl XLVII may have resulted in a 34-31 Baltimore Ravens victory in the first brother vs. brother championship, but that scenario took a back seat to the drama which continues to unfold in the Louisiana swamps.

Under the direction of infuriated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the league has sprung into action with a massive manhunt. They’re sparing no expense to hunt down and if necessary shoot and kill Lamar Landmesser, the chief electrician at the Superdome.  (more…)

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. The brothers will be "manning" the dip.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme is brothers. The Harbaugh brothers will go head to head in 49ers-Ravens Super Bowl, but the Manning brothers plan to serve notice as well. Quarterback sibling rivals, Peyton and Eli, will enjoy a get together with a select group of teammates, friends, and family members for Sunday’s big game. Late in the 4th quarter, both Peyton and Eli say whether the game is a nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — they plan on springing into action.

“We’re gonna fire up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Peyton Manning said.

“Trust me when I tell ya, it’s gonna be some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” chimed wide receiver Demaryius Thomas, a Bronco teammate of Peyton Manning’s. “P has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)

The Hoax on Who? Manti Te'o goes Hollywood.

BURBANK, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hot on the heels of his marvelously plotted and critically acclaimed “girlfriend hoax,” Notre Dame football sensation, Manti Te’o may be leading a dual career; Football and Hollywood mogul.

Motion picture and media powerhouse, Warner Brothers have offered the former Heisman Trophy candidate a high six figure salary to head up their fantasy department.  (more…)

A Carrolling We Will Go. Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll trying to make sense of it all.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, the Seattle Seahawks almost walked out of Atlanta on Sunday with a 28-27 victory.  However, Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll tried to ice the kicker, a move which backfired, resulting in a last second successful field goal and a 30-28 Falcons victory propelling them to the NFC Championship Game against the San Francisco 49ers.

Now Carroll said he was confused in all the excitement because he was “getting some cool shit” on his headset – something he told the referee.

“Suddenly, I wasn’t hearing my coaches anymore.” said Carroll. “I was getting some Grateful Dead, and I think some Blind Faith, and bootleg Hendrix. I was just whisked away to another time and place, and football didn’t mean much anymore.” (more…)

Personal Growth. Dan Marino isn't playing games.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) At the time of his retirement, Dan Marino sat atop a towering mountain of NFL quarterbacking records. Over the years, those records have been topped at the hands of such stalwarts as Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and most recently, Drew Brees.

The New Orleans Saints pass thrower in particular has been a thorn in Marino’s side.

“Look folks, I know records are meant to be broken and all, but that little fucker is starting to piss me off.” Marino barked on the 12th tee box at Weston, Florida’s exclusive Rio Rancho Golf Club. “So therefore, I want everyone to know today, I’m officially serving notice.”  (more…)

Everything's Coming Up Rosie! The beloved but deceased TV icon's in hot water.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – It doesn’t matter that Rosie the Waitress has been gone since 1990. In the latest twist to an already sad and embarrassing situation, Roger Goodell on Friday declared that Rosie was responsible for the popularity of the term “Bounty” that has been allegedly used by various players and coaches with the New Orleans Saints.

According to the indictment, “Rosie the Waitress, a mainstay on American television for several decades is as much responsible for the bounty scandal as anyone else. Since Rosie is no longer with us, she will be posthumously tried in absentia.” (more…)

Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan's hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the NFC champion Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” (more…)

It's Official! The "real" refs are back.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) There are a lot of happy people in the world of professional football today. Everyone from players and coaches to the fans and bookies can breathe a collective sigh of relief as the abysmal job the replacement referees did can now be put to rest. The NFL owners and referees have come to an agreement, and beginning with Thursday night’s game between and the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns, the “real” refs will officiate.

There is one disgruntled party – the real refs. Sure, they’re happy the lockout is over, but they returned to a mess.  (more…)

The Shit Hits the Fan! Replacement fans and Italian widows, Carmela Botti (left) and Francesca Liguori are the fans' answer to the NFL replacement refs. "Enjoy, NFL. Enjoy!"

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NFL league office is bracing for what most likely be a much lower level of fandom for the foreseeable future.

Monday’s night blatantly blown call in the waning seconds of the game between the Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks had fans everywhere screaming foul. It was evident to nearly everyone that the ball was intercepted by M.D. Jennings, however the stunning decision awarded the ball to Seattle receiver Golden Tate.

“Yeah, that call pretty much put it over the top for us. These replacement refs the NFL is sticking us with are the pits.” said veteran Green Bay fan, Lars Rundgren. “So um, we’ve decided to have ourselves replaced by a much lower level of misinformed fans. From now own the stands will be populated by librarians, seamstresses, conspiracy theorists, and Italian widows. Let’s see how that plays with the boys at the league office.” (more…)

Manning Up? Eli Manning will have to man up. Here he is seconds after shaving went askew.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Teammates were concerned when New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning switched from a razor to an electric shaver last week, claiming he won’t get as close a shave and problems have been known to occur.

“I told him.” said defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. “You get two or three day’s growth caught up in those rotating blades and the shit can hit the fan.”

Manning’s right cheek whiskers got caught in the Philips Norelco® AT810 Powertouch with Aquatec Technology, then eventually his entire face succumbed to the floating heads resulting in a cranial explosion. (more…)

End Around. O'Brien calls his first play, in a manner of speaking.

STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After nearly a half century of having one man at the helm of their football team, Penn State hired New England Patriots offensive coordinator and quarterback’s coach Bill O’Brien as their new man. He’ll assume his head coaching duties once the Pats’ post season ends.  In a wildly popular move to win over a harrowed fan base, O’Brien repeatedly inserted a rusty goal post in the anus of former defensive coach and accused child molester, Jerry Sandusky, the man at the center of the scandal that brought down the football program and ultimately cost legend Joe Paterno his job.

A badly beaten Sandusky was dragged before the press corps, college staff, players, and fans alike in a ritual oddly reminiscent of fraternity hazing, as O’Brien shoved the post deep into his posterior. (more…)

Pretty Snakey. Ray Rice's pet cobra outside the Raven's locker room.

BALTIMORE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Baltimore Ravens wide receiver, Anquan Boldin loves and respects teammate Ray Rice, but isn’t crazy about the running back’s pet.

Rice enjoys bringing his pet King Cobra, Mr. Snuggles, into the Raven’s locker room and turning him loose.

“That’s some crazy ass fuckin’ shit right there y’all.” chimed Boldin. “He was sizing up my Johnson like he wanted to mate with it or some shit. Damn.”

But Rice begs to differ. (more…)