Posts Tagged ‘NFL’

SUPER BOWL UPDATE: Manhunt for Missing Superdome Electrician Continues

Monday, February 4th, 2013

When In Doubt, Hunt. The massive search is still on for Lamar Landmesser.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The nail biting 4th quarter of Super Bowl XLVII may have resulted in a 34-31 Baltimore Ravens victory in the first brother vs. brother championship, but that scenario took a back seat to the drama which continues to unfold in the Louisiana swamps.

Under the direction of infuriated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the league has sprung into action with a massive manhunt. They’re sparing no expense to hunt down and if necessary shoot and kill Lamar Landmesser, the chief electrician at the Superdome.  (more…)


Warner Brothers Hires Manti Te’o As New Director of Fantasy

Thursday, January 17th, 2013

The Hoax on Who? Manti Te'o goes Hollywood.

BURBANK, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hot on the heels of his marvelously plotted and critically acclaimed “girlfriend hoax,” Notre Dame football sensation, Manti Te’o may be leading a dual career; Football and Hollywood mogul.

Motion picture and media powerhouse, Warner Brothers have offered the former Heisman Trophy candidate a high six figure salary to head up their fantasy department.  (more…)


Pete Carroll Told Ref He Was “Getting Some Cool Shit” on His Headset

Monday, January 14th, 2013

A Carrolling We Will Go. Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll trying to make sense of it all.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, the Seattle Seahawks almost walked out of Atlanta on Sunday with a 28-27 victory.  However, Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll tried to ice the kicker, a move which backfired, resulting in a last second successful field goal and a 30-28 Falcons victory propelling them to the NFC Championship Game against the San Francisco 49ers.

Now Carroll said he was confused in all the excitement because he was “getting some cool shit” on his headset – something he told the referee.

“Suddenly, I wasn’t hearing my coaches anymore.” said Carroll. “I was getting some Grateful Dead, and I think some Blind Faith, and bootleg Hendrix. I was just whisked away to another time and place, and football didn’t mean much anymore.” (more…)


Dan Marino Grows Record Size Mole Just to Spite Drew Brees

Monday, November 19th, 2012

Personal Growth. Dan Marino isn't playing games.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) At the time of his retirement, Dan Marino sat atop a towering mountain of NFL quarterbacking records. Over the years, those records have been topped at the hands of such stalwarts as Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and most recently, Drew Brees.

The New Orleans Saints pass thrower in particular has been a thorn in Marino’s side.

“Look folks, I know records are meant to be broken and all, but that little fucker is starting to piss me off.” Marino barked on the 12th tee box at Weston, Florida’s exclusive Rio Rancho Golf Club. “So therefore, I want everyone to know today, I’m officially serving notice.”  (more…)


“Rosie” Latest Victim of the Saint’s Bounty Scandal

Monday, October 22nd, 2012

Everything's Coming Up Rosie! The beloved but deceased TV icon's in hot water.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – It doesn’t matter that Rosie the Waitress has been gone since 1990. In the latest twist to an already sad and embarrassing situation, Roger Goodell on Friday declared that Rosie was responsible for the popularity of the term “Bounty” that has been allegedly used by various players and coaches with the New Orleans Saints.

According to the indictment, “Rosie the Waitress, a mainstay on American television for several decades is as much responsible for the bounty scandal as anyone else. Since Rosie is no longer with us, she will be posthumously tried in absentia.” (more…)


Real Refs Return to Find Replacement Refs Moved All Their Shit Around

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

It's Official! The "real" refs are back.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) There are a lot of happy people in the world of professional football today. Everyone from players and coaches to the fans and bookies can breathe a collective sigh of relief as the abysmal job the replacement referees did can now be put to rest. The NFL owners and referees have come to an agreement, and beginning with Thursday night’s game between and the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns, the “real” refs will officiate.

There is one disgruntled party – the real refs. Sure, they’re happy the lockout is over, but they returned to a mess.  (more…)


After Monday Night NFL Debacle, Packers Fans to Institute Replacement Crowd

Wednesday, September 26th, 2012

The Shit Hits the Fan! Replacement fans and Italian widows, Carmela Botti (left) and Francesca Liguori are the fans' answer to the NFL replacement refs. "Enjoy, NFL. Enjoy!"

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NFL league office is bracing for what most likely be a much lower level of fandom for the foreseeable future.

Monday’s night blatantly blown call in the waning seconds of the game between the Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks had fans everywhere screaming foul. It was evident to nearly everyone that the ball was intercepted by M.D. Jennings, however the stunning decision awarded the ball to Seattle receiver Golden Tate.

“Yeah, that call pretty much put it over the top for us. These replacement refs the NFL is sticking us with are the pits.” said veteran Green Bay fan, Lars Rundgren. “So um, we’ve decided to have ourselves replaced by a much lower level of misinformed fans. From now own the stands will be populated by librarians, seamstresses, conspiracy theorists, and Italian widows. Let’s see how that plays with the boys at the league office.” (more…)


Shaving Mishap Sidelines Eli Manning; Questionable for Super Bowl

Thursday, February 2nd, 2012

Manning Up? Eli Manning will have to man up. Here he is seconds after shaving went askew.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Teammates were concerned when New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning switched from a razor to an electric shaver last week, claiming he won’t get as close a shave and problems have been known to occur.

“I told him.” said defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. “You get two or three day’s growth caught up in those rotating blades and the shit can hit the fan.”

Manning’s right cheek whiskers got caught in the Philips Norelco® AT810 Powertouch with Aquatec Technology, then eventually his entire face succumbed to the floating heads resulting in a cranial explosion. (more…)


New Penn State Coach Bill O’Brien Begins Reign by Sodomizing Jerry Sandusky with Goal Post

Monday, January 9th, 2012

End Around. O'Brien calls his first play, in a manner of speaking.

STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After nearly a half century of having one man at the helm of their football team, Penn State hired New England Patriots offensive coordinator and quarterback’s coach Bill O’Brien as their new man. He’ll assume his head coaching duties once the Pats’ post season ends.  In a wildly popular move to win over a harrowed fan base, O’Brien repeatedly inserted a rusty goal post in the anus of former defensive coach and accused child molester, Jerry Sandusky, the man at the center of the scandal that brought down the football program and ultimately cost legend Joe Paterno his job.

A badly beaten Sandusky was dragged before the press corps, college staff, players, and fans alike in a ritual oddly reminiscent of fraternity hazing, as O’Brien shoved the post deep into his posterior. (more…)


Anquan Boldin on Ray Rice’s Pet Cobra in Locker Room: “That’s Some Crazy Ass F#%kin’ Sh*t!”

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

Pretty Snakey. Ray Rice's pet cobra outside the Raven's locker room.

BALTIMORE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Baltimore Ravens wide receiver, Anquan Boldin loves and respects teammate Ray Rice, but isn’t crazy about the running back’s pet.

Rice enjoys bringing his pet King Cobra, Mr. Snuggles, into the Raven’s locker room and turning him loose.

“That’s some crazy ass fuckin’ shit right there y’all.” chimed Boldin. “He was sizing up my Johnson like he wanted to mate with it or some shit. Damn.”

But Rice begs to differ. (more…)


With Options Limited, Injured Peyton Manning Really Getting Into “The View
”

Friday, November 4th, 2011

Mansion With a View. Peyton Manning contemplating women's feelings after watching "The View."

 

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Indy’s franchise man is still hurting; Maybe in ways no one could fathom. Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, out for the season, has resulted in a less than stellar 0-8 record. Manning feels his team’s pain, but  is suffering a lot himself. Sure, there’s coming back from a neck injury, but there’s also the boredom and lack of activity.

“The whole thing’s really sucked.” said the four time MVP winner. “That is, until I discovered The View.”

Since his injury, Manning hasn’t missed an episode of the estrogen laden talk show. (more…)


Xtina’s Botched Anthem Vocal Gymnastics Still Get a Ten from North Korean Judge; Packers Win Super Bowl

Monday, February 7th, 2011

National Nightmare. Xtina puts her heart into botching the Star Spangled Banner

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Christina Aguilera’s version of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl infuriated millions of people nationwide when she botched the lyrics and forgot one line entirely. Radio shows and message boards across the country were buzzing almost immediately. But as her vocal gymnastics routine continued, she apparently rebounded enough to satisfy Kwan Luck, the North Korean judge who gave her a perfect, yet highly controversial score of 10.

“Her vocal gymnastics were of the highest order,” Luck said through an interpreter. “The pan-global, stylistic bravura, the incessant ‘Whahahaha Ohohohoh’ tremolo-vibrato hybrid, and the pulling away from any semblance of melody so that the song became almost unrecognizable was world class, not to mention, flawless. The fact that she dropped a line and fucked up another, pardon my French, is really immaterial. What we’re talking about here is her ability to make the song about herself; to soar above and steal the spotlight from the largely forgotten, unappreciated, classically-trained, supporting musicians earning union scale. That’s entertainment.” (more…)