A meal fit for a Prince. Tigers’ slugger Prince Fielder has some serious eating to do. And he’ll get first crack at this bad boy.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Detroit Tigers rotund slugger Prince Fielder has asked Director of Clubhouse Operations Larry Corsica to have his locker moved along side of the team’s buffet table. “I had to walk past Alex Avila, Justin Verlander and a slew of reporters just to get to the pizza, pasta and pierogies,” Fielder bemoaned. “By the time I got there it was picked over and breathed on – drops of spittle from Lord knows who. That’s bullshit. But no more.”

“Prince is one of the leaders of this ball club,” said manager Jim Leyland. “He’s a star in this town – a very large star. And with a professional eater of Prince’s stature…well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to get in his way when he’s fixin’ to get his chops around a plate of Veal Scaloppini.” (more…)

Screwball. Jimmy Manson’s avant-garde baseball theories might have a ripple effect throughout the entire Mets system.

ST. LUCIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jimmy Manson, the 47 year old bastard son of killer Charles Manson was named Bench Coach of the New York Mets Single-A affiliate, St. Lucie Mets.

The younger Manson, who bears a striking resemblance to his infamous father, says he doesn’t remember much about his dad and was raised by his aunt and uncle. His mother, known simply as “Buzzie,” disappeared without a trace in June of 1969, though it is believed her voice can be heard singing backup on a series of folk-rock recordings by the Manson Family done at Spahn Ranch in the spring of 1968.

“I saw him play guitar once,” he said. “Of course that was a year before he decided to flip out and go on an acid fueled murder spree.” (more…)

Kowtow to the Skipper. These holsteins look forward to the Bobby Cox arrival.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Bobby Cox, who has enjoyed two separate stints as Atlanta Braves manager, has helmed the club a total of twenty-six seasons. But now, at age 69 and primed for one more post-season run at a championship, Cox is preparing to be put out to pasture.

“It’s a business, and this is part of the game,” said Cox. “When you retire, or semi-retire or whatever, you have to spend a portion of your day in the pasture of your choice. Personally, mine is on a five hundred acre ranch just west of Dalton. I’ll be spending most of that time with a few holsteins I’ve gotten to know.” (more…)

Sign. Sign. Everywhere a sign.

The Microscope – er, uh – binoculars on the Phillies.

Tom Hagen: Senator, my client would like to read a statement before this committee.

Senator: Mr. CHAIRMAN — Mr. CHAIRMAN — I think this statement is totally out of order at this time.

Tom Hagen: Sir, my client has answered every question asked by this committee with utmost sincerity — he has not taken the 5th amendment as it was his right to do. So in all fairness I think the statement should be heard.

[QUESTADT whispers something to the CHAIRMAN.]

Chairman: No, no I’m going to allow Mr. Corleone to read his statement — I’ll put it in the record.

Senate hearings on the Mafia scene, from The Godfather Part II.

(more…)

That's how I J-Roll. Jimmy Rollins is back to being Jimmy Rollins.

CLEARWATER, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After consecutive World Series appearances and a contract extension, Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins planned on entering the 2010 season with great optimism. That is, until he looked in the mirror last Friday. That’s when Rollins discovered an unusual mass growing above his shoulders.

“It scared me to death,” the gregarious All-Star said. “It was odd looking with a strange hue to it. It was pulsating and seemed to have a mind of its own.” (more…)

Wank Fest 2010. Carlos Beltran contemplates new batting box routine during spring training.

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran is no different than almost every other Major Leaguer; he has his own set of batter’s box rituals between pitches.

Most fans are very familiar with a batter’s distinct style of preparing to make contact with the pitcher’s offering; spitting, crotch adjustment, neck tilts, flexing, praying, elbow pumping – the list seems endless.  But now Beltran is raising the bar. (more…)

Screwball. Jimmy Manson’s avant-garde baseball theories might have a ripple effect throughout the entire Mets system.

ST. LUCIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jimmy Manson, the 47 year old bastard son of killer Charles Manson was named Bench Coach of the New York Mets Single-A affiliate, St. Lucie Mets.

The younger Manson, who bears a striking resemblance to his infamous father, says he doesn’t remember much about his dad and was raised by his aunt and uncle. His mother, known simply as “Buzzie,” disappeared without a trace in June of 1969, though it is believed her voice can be heard singing backup on a series of folk-rock recordings by the Manson Family done at Spahn Ranch in the spring of 1968. (more…)