Posts Tagged ‘Oakland A’s’

From the Archives: Down on Luck Lenny Dykstra Sells Dentures on eBay

Tuesday, October 25th, 2016
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Glass Act. Lenny Dykstra’s teeth include this collectible glass container.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, CA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) How the mighty have fallen. Once a baseball all-star and stock picker to the stars, former outfielder, Lenny Dykstra, now spends his days toiling away in prison. His rap sheet reads like the credits on a blockbuster movie…long.

Now, the man they called “Nails” will take whatever bucks he can as he’s just put his dentures up for bid on eBay. No takers as of yet. (more…)


Middle Finger to be Seamlessly Integrated into Nationals’ Batting Signs for 2017

Friday, October 14th, 2016
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The Bird at Third. Nats Third Base Coach, Bob Henley, will add the middle digit to his routine under the direction of Dusty Baker.

VIERA, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A lot was expected of the Washington Nationals this season, but they came up short in 2016 after losing the NLDS to the Los Angeles Dodgers. They’re the odds on favorite to win the NL East again in 2017 and go deep into the post season.  So, the idea of mixing things up in what appears to be a template for winning, might seem ill advised. However, that’s exactly what they’ll try out in spring training next February. Manager Dusty Baker has asked his coaches to employ the middle finger to his series of signs this season, and the staff said yes.

“Flipping someone off has long been my thing.” said Third Base Coach, Bob Henley. “So when Dusty asked me to add it, I couldn’t wait.”

Some of the Nationals players initially took offense to the idea of using sign, but most have accepted it. Now, several opposing teams are saying they’ll take the sign personally.   (more…)


A TSD Classique: Whiskey and Shotgun Night Promotion Turns Deadly

Monday, May 16th, 2016

Whatcha Lookin’ at Son? Leon Krunk enjoying the festivities in Burlington.

BURLINGTON, IA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Oakland A’s Single A affiliate, the Burlington Bees may have broken the unwritten rule of bad promotional ideas last night when the team held a “Whiskey and Shotgun Night” at the ballpark.

Each fan 21 and over received a Smith and Wesson® shotgun and a fifth of Johnny Walker® whiskey as they passed through the turnstiles. By the third inning, things got a little out of hand.

“I guess we didn’t count on people brining their own bullets.” said Assistant Promotions Director, Travis Huckson.  (more…)


Mark McGwire Seen Creepily Lurking Outside Hall of Fame Offices

Tuesday, January 12th, 2016
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Marked for Life? Only time will tell if M2 sees the hall.

COOPERSTOWN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Former Oakland A’s and St. Louis Cardinals slugger and accused PED user, Mark McGwire was once again unable to accumulate enough votes to enter the Baseball Hall of Fame.  He did watch contemporaries, Ken Griffey Jr. and Mike Piazza receive the honor on his smartphone however.

“We spotted him watching the live feed on the MLB TV app.” said Hall of Fame Assistant Curator and Least Ethnic Name Award winner, Horace Kensington-Stark. “Afterward, he was lurking about for roughly three hours peering into windows with an odd, blank stare which eventually transmogrified into a cold, malevolent smile as if some horrible event was about to go down. Fortunately, it didn’t. So far.”  (more…)


Four Out of Five Doctors Agree Reggie is Still an Asshole

Monday, July 13th, 2015

 

Jackass. Reggie Jackson apparently can still deliver the goods.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame slugger Reggie Jackson may have mellowed over the years, but it seems the overall personality traits that often infuriated managers, fans, opponents and teammates alike remain firmly intact.

“I feel like if I know a fastball is coming, I can still jack one out of the yard,” said the  66 year old Jackson. “That’s a nice feeling to have. Its also a nice feeling to know that I can bewilder most pea brained homunculi with my near genius 149 IQ, witty repartie, still dashing good looks, and life-of-the-party magnetism. But be rest assured that should my sole recourse be rolling around in the intellectual mud, I can motherfuck someone up and down with the best of them.”

“Yep, he’s still an asshole,” said former Yankees teammate Craig Nettles. “That’s Reggie talking.” (more…)


Royals Thrilled to Be On Nationally Broadcast HDTV For First Time

Wednesday, October 1st, 2014
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Showtime! The KC Royals previous post-season broadcast aired on something like this.

KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In nail biting extra inning action, the Kansas City Royals fought back to defeat the Oakland Athletics 9-8 in the AL Wild Card Game to move on to the Division Series. The game proved to be an introduction for the most of the country to a team that’s flown under the radar for decades. The Royals were introduced to something as well — a national audience watching in high definition.

“Yeah, there were cool cameras and stuff,” beamed Royals left fielder, Alex Gordon. “They took us in the broadcast truck, and gave us lollipops and ice cream, and then we got to meet Ernie Johnson. We got in trouble when (Royals third baseman) Mike Moustakas was putzing around with some of the buttons and broke something. Now he owes TBS 54 grand. What a dick!”   (more…)


After Taking Viagra, Albert Pujols Hits Home Runs Four Hours After Game Ends

Wednesday, April 16th, 2014

 

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Engorged En Fuego! Albert Pujols is ready for anything.

ANAHEIM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Oakland Athletics defeated the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 10-9 in eleven innings on Tuesday night. Though he suffered through an 0-5 in the ballgame, the future Hall of Famer, Albert Pujols showed he wasn’t through competing, as he cranked homer after homer during a rare post game batting practice.

It was learned later that Pujols had taken Viagra, not a banned substance in Major League Baseball, and in his engorged state, demanded to keep playing. That’s when batting practice pitcher Hank Stone served up a steady diet of fastballs for Pujols, who promptly deposited them in the farthest reaches of the ballpark. (more…)


After Playoff Ouster; Christopher Walken to Manage Oakland A’s in ’14

Friday, October 11th, 2013

Walken to First. Chris Walken intends to get players who are issued a base on balls to saunter down the baseline with panache.

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a stunning move announced after yesterday’s loss to Detroit in the ALDS, the Oakland Athletics fired manager Bob Melvin and replaced him with the eccentric character actor Christopher Walken.

“This was simply a move we had to make,” said A’s General Manager Billy Beane. “Bob is a terrific manager, but we have always done things here in an unorthodox way – so we wanted to experiment with Chris’ menacing style of motivation. We’re confident his horrific yet deadpan bravura will have the balance of the AL West scratching its collective head the entire 2014 season.” (more…)


A’s Have Horrific Surprise Awaiting Tigers in Game 5

Thursday, October 10th, 2013
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A MEL-ish Experience For Motown? Bob Melvin has something sinister afoot.

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Oakland Athletics manager, Bob Melvin claims his team has a gruesome and horrifying surprise planned for the Detroit Tigers and their fans during Thursday’s Game Five matchup of the American League Division Series. The time of the unspecified event is a mystery.

“I’m not coming.” said Tigers outfielder Austin Jackson. “I don’t like surprises, especially the horrific, gruesome kind with severed heads and exposed innards strewn all over the joint. I prefer delightful, funny, lighthearted moments with balloons and ice cream and old men playing the calliope with dancing monkeys and flowers and bountiful sunshine straight up the ass – all of which I’m well aware of long before it happens.” (more…)


Moneyball? Cost-Cutting Athletics Revert Back to Train Travel

Thursday, January 31st, 2013

 

 

Take the A’s Train. The Oakland Athletics will now be riding the rails to save money. No word yet on whether fans will have throw back foul balls.

 

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Baseball historians tend to romanticize the era of train travel in baseball – teams journeying from town to town with barnstorming stops in Toledo, Scranton, and Providence. But that era came to an abrupt halt in the late 1950’s when the pilgrimage of teams to the west coast necessitated the use of airplanes. Even short trips from Philadelphia to New York were taken via the friendly skies. The marriage of trains and baseball was over, right? Guess again. Mr. Moneyball himself, Oakland A’s General Manager Billy Beane announced the team would implement a drastic cost-cutting measure by reintroducing the use of train travel. (more…)


Blue Man Group Will Be Inserted as New Phillies Right Fielder

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Baseball Blues. Spring training is still weeks away. But Blue Man Group hopes to ignite a fire in Philly.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The performance art organization known as Blue Man Group will man right field for the Philadelphia Phillies for the upcoming 2011 season.

The position has been a point of contention ever since Jayson Werth opted for free agency enjoying a huge payday in Washington when he signed a seven year deal with the Nationals.

“We just needed to place some closure on the right field situation,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. “No offense to Benny (Ben Francisco) or Domonic Brown or Ross Gload, but they’re kind of boring. We’re solid at the other positions, but right field is an issue. Blue Man Group gives us a unit of three athletic, creative, sexually ambiguous, transgender individuals we can rotate in and out and get some solid entertainment value. I’m not too worried about the hitting. It’ll come.” (more…)


Tampa Bay Rays Perfect; Manage to Go Entire Game Without Baserunner

Monday, May 10th, 2010

Braden's Voyage. Dallas Braden's grandmother, who raised him, explains to the A's hurler the Rays hooked him up big time.

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Tampa Bay Rays really showed they are among baseball’s elite as they managed to pull off something that has happened only nineteen times in Major League history.

They recorded no hits or walks, and even managed to not reach base by way of an error or hit batsman yesterday afternoon in Oakland.

“Oh, that?” quipped Rays Manager Joe Maddon. “Just another little ditty from our endless bag of tricks. We could have gotten on base. We just didn’t want to. I hope you all enjoyed it.” (more…)