Posts Tagged ‘Olympics’

Olympics Update: Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma Late Entry into Rio Games; Represents Vatican City

Monday, August 8th, 2016

That’s three Hail Mary’s for you! Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma is trigger happy with this fault-finding finger. Now he’s bringing his high wire act to Rio.

RIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He wasn’t able to arrive in time to march in the Parade of Nations, but Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma’s controversial and late entry into the Summer Games has been approved. He will represent the Vatican City in the ancient event of Guilt Infliction. Though not a sport, the exhibition was included for the first time in the 192 A.D. games in Olympia, Greece when a visiting Pope Victor I, led a growing group of Christians who pointed the boney finger of indignation at scantily clad athletes demanding their immediate removal from the games.

“Guilt’s important,” proclaimed Cardinal Di Palma. “Without guilt, we’re capable of doing many heinous things including murder, stealing and pleasuring ourselves while watching female figure swimmers – as well as a few select male ones. That’s the main reason I’m here – to remind those sick degenerates to get their mind out of the gutter and watch sports that aren’t brimming with sexual temptation. You try and live a celibate lifestyle and have gymnasts pop up on TV with their tight, sublime buttocks and rippling abs. It’s a continuous reminder that we are all nothing but prisoners of our own glands.”

Di Palma has been working out constantly to prepare himself for his event which includes lightning-fast finger pointing, instantaneous issue-appropriate scripture quoting, and the ability to absolve sins from eighty yards away. (more…)


From the Archives: Scranton, Pennsylvania Receives Furtive Chuckles from World Class Cities in 2028 Olympic Bid

Monday, July 11th, 2016
2020 Visions. Scranton has it's eyes set on the 2020 Summer Games.

2020 Visions. Scranton has it’s eyes set on the 2020 Summer Games.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s twelve years down the road, but it’s not too early for the International Olympic Committee to entertain serious considerations as to which city will host the 2028 Summer Games.

Among the more well known cities to throw their hats into the ring are Rome, Istanbul, Boston, Prague, Cape Town and Toronto.

Perhaps the most unlikely potential host city bidding for the games is Scranton, Pennsylvania.  When officials from Scranton attended a recent IOC event, members from Madrid, Tokyo, and Istanbul could be heard chuckling every time the Northeastern Pennsylvania city was mentioned.

(more…)


Improving Bob Costas Claims He Won’t Suck Blood From NBC Execs

Friday, February 21st, 2014
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No Eyes in Team. Bob Costas, shown here, returned to the broadcast crew from NBC feeling much better.

SOCHI, RUSSIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Broadcaster Bob Costas’ return to the Olympic Games anchor desk was a welcome sight for many viewers, even with his eye infection still evident.

Costas was forced to take a six day hiatus after suffering pink eye in both eyes. The condition worsened to a point where a mutated Costas terrified fellow hotel guests and was seen skulking into the Sochi night.

“Life works that way sometimes.” the veteran broadcaster said. “One day you’re interviewing a gold medal winner from the heartland of America, the next you’re the victim of a horrible infection and ingesting large amounts of stray animal blood to satisfy your unquenchable thirst for blood – but, that’s show biz.” (more…)


Bob Costas’ Eye Infection Spreads to 97% of His Body

Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
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Not Ready for Prime Time. Bob Costas, shown here, plans to bounce back from infection.

SOCHI, RUSSIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Veteran sportscaster Bob Costas has been battling an eye infection since his arrival for the Winter Olympics in Sochi. Resorting to glasses, Costas has soldiered through and has done an admirable job anchoring the games for NBC.

However, last night upon his return to his hotel room, Costas apparently developed an immunity to his prescribed antibiotics, and things got out of hand as the infection spread to 97% of his body.   (more…)


Pennsylvania Man Stunned to Learn Olympic Sausage Eating Event Was Hoax

Monday, February 10th, 2014

Punked a Burnin’ Love. Rich Solinski’s buddies punked him big time.

SOCHI, RUSSIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Rich Solinski, of Courtdale, Pennsylvania told his family that their Winter vacation wouldn’t be happening this year, because he was using the vacation fund to go to the Olympics in Sochi. Solinski said his friends, Carl Rescavage and Tony Muscato encouraged him to train for the Olympic Sausage Eating Finals.

Solinski spent two months downing Kielbasas, as well as Italian mild and hot sausages at a torrid pace.

“I was ingesting them things whole.” said Solinski, 53, a fork lift operator. “Some might say I had it down to a science, but my pastor said science is the devil’s work. Either way, I was pretty good at it and stuff. Then I showed up in Sochi. That’s when Carl and Tony had their big laugh.” (more…)


Phallic Olympic Flame Lighting Ceremony Goes Limp

Saturday, February 13th, 2010

Limp Crimp in the Evening. The fourth cauldron didn't rise to the occasion.

Limp Crimp in the Evening. The fourth cauldron didn't rise to the occasion.

VANCOUVER, BC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Like monolithic steel penises rising from their slumber to plant their flaming seed into the mother torch, three of the four cauldrons rose to fulfill their mission at last night’s Winter Olympics opening ceremony in Vancouver.  However, one of the cauldrons experienced an embarrassing episode of impotence in plain view of an entire watching world.

“What can I say? I just couldn’t,” said Harry Reems, the engineer in charge of the fourth cauldron. “It worked a thousand times before in rehearsal. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me. Eventually, you work through it. Overall, it was still a good night.” (more…)


Olympics Update: Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma Late Entry into Vancouver Games; Represents Vatican City

Friday, February 12th, 2010

That’s three Hail Mary’s for you! Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma is trigger happy with this fault-finding finger. Now he’s bringing his high wire act to Vancouver.

That’s three Hail Mary’s for you! Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma is trigger happy with this fault-finding finger. Now he’s bringing his high wire act to Vancouver.

VANCOUVER, B.C. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He won’t arrive in time to march in the Parade of Nations, but Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma’s controversial and late entry into the Winter Games has been approved. He will represent the Vatican City in the ancient event of Guilt Infliction. Though not a sport, the exhibition was included for the first time in the 192 A.D. games in Olympia, Greece when a visiting Pope Victor I, led a growing group of Christians who pointed the boney finger of indignation at scantily clad athletes demanding their immediate removal from the games. (more…)


Old Greek Guy Vows to Cite One Sports Contribution Greece has Made since Ancient Olympics

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

 

A Greek Shall Inherit the Earth; At least according to this guy.

A Greek Shall Inherit the Earth; At least according to this guy.

 

 

ATHENS, GREECE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s a clear case of ‘what have you done for me lately?’ And the Greeks are hearing about it. After creating the original Olympic Games in approximately 776 B.C., most Greeks admit they’ve rested on their laurels ever since; at least in terms of contributing to the sports world. But Spyros Papadimitriou insists his country has indeed made a contribution. (more…)