RIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He wasn’t able to arrive in time to march in the Parade of Nations, but Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma’s controversial and late entry into the Summer Games has been approved. He will represent the Vatican City in the ancient event of Guilt Infliction. Though not a sport, the exhibition was included for the first time in the 192 A.D. games in Olympia, Greece when a visiting Pope Victor I, led a growing group of Christians who pointed the boney finger of indignation at scantily clad athletes demanding their immediate removal from the games.
“Guilt’s important,” proclaimed Cardinal Di Palma. “Without guilt, we’re capable of doing many heinous things including murder, stealing and pleasuring ourselves while watching female figure swimmers – as well as a few select male ones. That’s the main reason I’m here – to remind those sick degenerates to get their mind out of the gutter and watch sports that aren’t brimming with sexual temptation. You try and live a celibate lifestyle and have gymnasts pop up on TV with their tight, sublime buttocks and rippling abs. It’s a continuous reminder that we are all nothing but prisoners of our own glands.”
Di Palma has been working out constantly to prepare himself for his event which includes lightning-fast finger pointing, instantaneous issue-appropriate scripture quoting, and the ability to absolve sins from eighty yards away. (more…)