Posts Tagged ‘Penn State’

A TSD Classique: Satan to Finally Cut All Ties, Endorsements with Jerry Sandusky

Friday, April 15th, 2016

What the Hell? Jerry Sandusky’s perplexed by the news Satan is dropping him.

HELL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Satan, also known as the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Father of Lies and Prince of Darkness, an early supporter of former Penn State assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, has announced he will cut ties with the convicted child molester.

“It’s really in our best interest down here to just wipe the slate clean and let Jerry go on his merry way.” chimed Satan. “After all, we do have our standards. I’d like to add parenthetically that I’ve placed a curse on him just for shits and giggles. He’ll experience extreme abdominal discomfort and poo some rusty pins. It’s an oldie but a goodie.”  (more…)

New Penn State Coach Bill O’Brien Begins Reign by Sodomizing Jerry Sandusky with Goal Post

Monday, January 9th, 2012

End Around. O'Brien calls his first play, in a manner of speaking.

STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After nearly a half century of having one man at the helm of their football team, Penn State hired New England Patriots offensive coordinator and quarterback’s coach Bill O’Brien as their new man. He’ll assume his head coaching duties once the Pats’ post season ends.  In a wildly popular move to win over a harrowed fan base, O’Brien repeatedly inserted a rusty goal post in the anus of former defensive coach and accused child molester, Jerry Sandusky, the man at the center of the scandal that brought down the football program and ultimately cost legend Joe Paterno his job.

A badly beaten Sandusky was dragged before the press corps, college staff, players, and fans alike in a ritual oddly reminiscent of fraternity hazing, as O’Brien shoved the post deep into his posterior. (more…)

More Horsing Around as Wilford Brimley Set to Coach Penn State Football in 2012

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

Horsing Around? Wilford Brimley invented it.


STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Curmudgeonly, diabetic actor Wilford Brimley expects to wipe the slate clean at Penn State University when he takes over the football program after the final game of this season.

Acting Athletic Director, David Joyner told a throng of reporters the cantankerous actor will coach the team on horseback and would preserve the longstanding tradition of the old, crusty head coach that fall idol Joe Paterno managed to maintain, especially over the past fifteen years.

“Wilford’s a real prick.” said Joyner. “The kids are really gonna hate his guts. He’ll call them names. He’ll tell them about how tough things were when he was a kid. And he’ll just stand around a lot looking through them with a sort of steely resolve that harkens back to the frontiersmen, while expectorating into a nearby spittoon. It’s exactly what we need around here.” (more…)

Penn State Marching Band’s Michael Jackson Tribute Considered Ill-Timed

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011

Beware the Ides of Marching. Tuba boy and his band mates need to rethink their show.

STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Penn State marching band has been rehearsing their elaborate field show; A Tribute to Michael Jackson, since summer in preparation for Saturday’s big game with Nebraska. Unfortunately, the musical performance dedicated to the late King of Pop, eerily coincides with one of the darkest chapters in the university’s history.

Former football coaching staff member, Jerry Sandusky is being charged with alleged  sexual abuse of minors, causing a domino effect that extends to both the athletic and academic departments. Now the marching band’s seemingly innocent tip of the cap to Jackson is being called everything from insensitive, graceless and boiler plate to offensive, fetid and philistine.

“I take it those are bad things?” wondered 278 pound sophomore tuba player, Philip Dunkleberger. (more…)