Posts Tagged ‘Peyton Manning’

Super Bowl: Tom Brady Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, February 8th, 2016

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. Brady was “manning” the dip.

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)


TSD Super Bowl EXCLUSIVE: Lucchesi Crime Family Waiting on Peyton Manning’s Front Lawn

Monday, February 3rd, 2014
nikkatsu-studios-films

Manning Up. On second thought, Peyton better run the other way and cool out.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daly Wire Service) Oddsmakers, bookies, a significant portion of the city of Las Vegas, and everyone who stood to benefit from a close Super Bowl aren’t happy. And they’re pointing their fingers at one man – Peyton Manning. The Broncos quarterback and future Hall of Famer, had a rough night tossing two interceptions and seeing his team dominated by the Seattle Seahawks, 43-8.

“That Wonder Bread Fuck ruined my day!” said Louis “Sulphuric Lou” Castellano, a captain in the Lucchese Crime Organization. “This is not what we agreed upon. So I’m sending a message, and it ain’t coming Federal Express, if you catch my not so thinly veiled drift and what not.”  (more…)


Dan Marino Grows Record Size Mole Just to Spite Drew Brees

Monday, November 19th, 2012

Personal Growth. Dan Marino isn't playing games.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) At the time of his retirement, Dan Marino sat atop a towering mountain of NFL quarterbacking records. Over the years, those records have been topped at the hands of such stalwarts as Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and most recently, Drew Brees.

The New Orleans Saints pass thrower in particular has been a thorn in Marino’s side.

“Look folks, I know records are meant to be broken and all, but that little fucker is starting to piss me off.” Marino barked on the 12th tee box at Weston, Florida’s exclusive Rio Rancho Golf Club. “So therefore, I want everyone to know today, I’m officially serving notice.”  (more…)


Christ Set to Go to NY Jets in Package Deal With Tebow

Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

Jesus Is Jacked! Christ is New York bound with Tim Tebow.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Denver Broncos have dealt Tim Tebow to the New York Jets for a fourth round draft pick. Once Peyton Manning chose Denver, the Tebow watch was on. In a move that surprises few, popular deity Jesus Christ has been thrown into the deal as he apparently never strays far from Tebow.

“I’m still thinking over whether or not I want to sell my chalet in Aspen.” quipped Christ. “I also have some beer distributorships in Denver and Fort Collins which I’m gonna hang on to for a bit, but New York is cool.” (more…)


Requiem for a Quarterback: Peyton Manning is (or Was) a Poet in the Huddle

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

My I compare thee to a late Fall afternoon, with 30 seconds left on the clock?

 

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As word of Peyton Manning’s slow recovery from neck surgery lead to rumors of his pending retirement, some are beginning to talk about the quarterback’s legacy and meaning to the game. Whether or not he’ll play another down, one thing is abundantly clear: Peyton Manning’s 45 fourth quarter game winning drives is the stuff of legend.  The Unitases, the Montanas, the Ellways…all were legendary for maintaining cool heads in nervous huddles, leading lesser men to improbable victory.  Peyton Manning has joined the pantheon of all-time clutch performers,  as he is clearly made of similar stuff…but with a previously unknown wrinkle: poetry, specifically canonical English and American poetry, from Shakespeare to Keats, T.S. Elliot to Wallace Stevens. (more…)


With Options Limited, Injured Peyton Manning Really Getting Into “The View
”

Friday, November 4th, 2011

Mansion With a View. Peyton Manning contemplating women's feelings after watching "The View."

 

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Indy’s franchise man is still hurting; Maybe in ways no one could fathom. Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, out for the season, has resulted in a less than stellar 0-8 record. Manning feels his team’s pain, but  is suffering a lot himself. Sure, there’s coming back from a neck injury, but there’s also the boredom and lack of activity.

“The whole thing’s really sucked.” said the four time MVP winner. “That is, until I discovered The View.”

Since his injury, Manning hasn’t missed an episode of the estrogen laden talk show. (more…)


Requiem for a Quarterback: Peyton Manning is a Poet in the Huddle

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

My I compare thee to a late Fall afternoon, with 30 seconds left on the clock?

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As concerns about Peyton Manning’s neck increase,  talk has centered on the quarterback’s legacy and meaning to the game. Whether or not he’ll miss the Colts’ season opener, or, as some speculate, the entire season, remains to be determined. But one thing is clear: Peyton Manning’s 45 fourth quarter game winning drives is the stuff of legend.  The Unitases, the Montanas, the Ellways…all were legendary for maintaining cool heads in nervous huddles, leading lesser men to improbable victory.  Peyton Manning has joined the pantheon of all-time clutch performers,  as he is clearly made of similar stuff…but with a previously unknown wrinkle: poetry, specifically canonical English and American poetry, from Shakespeare to Keats, T.S. Elliot to Wallace Stevens.

“In his third season, we were down by six to the Chargers with just over two minutes remaining,” said Colts’ offensive tackle Ryan Diem. “We take the field and ten seconds pass, which at that point in the game is an eternity. Peyton is on one knee, thinking, we hear him mumbling, slowly, he rises to his feet, he takes off his helmut and strikes a pose, his chin jutting, his eyes gazing skyward…’We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother.’ So on and so forth. We were standing there, tears in our ears. Next thing we know we’re putting it in the end zone, kick the extra point, game over.” (more…)


“Mom Always Liked You Best!” says Eli Manning

Monday, September 20th, 2010

Manning Up. Sibling rivalry dates back to the heyday of the Smothers Brothers - and most likely before.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After suffering a 38-14 thumping at the hands of his older, more successful brother, Eli Manning went on a nearly forty five minute tirade about growing up in the Manning family.

“When I was a kid it was always ‘Peyton won the Pass, Punt and Kick,’” Eli seethed as an overflowing media contingent jockeyed for position. “‘Peyton won the Most Outstanding Players award,’ ‘Peyton is dating Trudy Hollister, the hottest cheerleader and best friggin’ blow job in Louisiana,’ ‘Peyton this, Peyton that. Peyton Peyton Peyton. Peyton! Peyton! Motherfucking Peyton!’” (more…)


Joe Namath “Guarantees” Jets Victory Over Colts Moments After Jets Beat Colts

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

Former Jets quarterback Joe Namath, pictured in a fur coat on sideline circa 1970.

Former Jets quarterback Joe Namath, pictured in a fur coat on sideline circa 1970.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —  The controversial decision to sit quarterback Peyton Manning rather than risk injury heading into the playoffs was momentarily deflected by the bizarre pronouncements and actions of another quarterback legend, Broadway Joe Namath.  Moments after the Jets beat the Colts 29-15, Namath staggered into the Jets victorious locker room and startled the assembled press corps by loudly guaranteeing a Jets victory — the very game that had ended just five minutes before.   (more…)