Posts Tagged ‘Philadelphia Eagles’

NFC East To Market Self As Bottomless Abyss

Monday, November 30th, 2015
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Nothingness To See Here. The NFC East launches vapid new campaign — literally.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fans, players, and coaches are almost completely in agreement — no one wants to win the NFC East. No team is above .500 in the division and no clear-cut favorite has emerged, though some are saying the New York Giants might ultimately reach the post-season on experience alone. Given the bleak outlook and overall general malaise in fan support, marketing heads from the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, and the Giants met privately to try and figure a way to salvage a disastrous season. (more…)

Monsanto Grows Mutated Cowboys in North Texas Immediately After Loss to Philly

Monday, November 9th, 2015

Garden Party. Horace and Bernice Lovecraft tend over their garden of “near ready” Cowboys.

IRVING, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a neck and neck game that took overtime to decide, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Dallas Cowboys 33-27 behind the surprisingly solid performance of quarterback, Sam Bradford.

Immediately after the loss, Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, gave the green light to the Monsanto Corporation to begin harvesting a mutated strain of instant players to be funneled in and out of the Cowboys’ roster at their own discretion. The player garden was at an undisclosed, but heavily fortified location about twenty miles west of the stadium. (more…)

Bleak Week: Chip Kelly Takes Eagles to Sweden For Film Festival

Monday, October 26th, 2015
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Shattering. Eagles and Bergman. Not very different.

STOCKHOLM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) For devotees of the bleak, angst- ridden themes of Scandinavian cinema, comes an event that will certainly ratchet up their collective weltschmerz — the Philadelphia Eagles are coming.

“We look at this as an opportunity for two cultures to learn from each other,” said Eagles Head Coach, Chip Kelly aboard a Monday morning charter flight to Stockholm during the team’s bye week.

After another sobering loss, this time to the Carolina Panthers, 27-16, fans of the Eagles are comparing the profound letdown of the 2015 season to the darkest days of the mid 1970s version of the team. Then, the desire to drink heavily and plunge shrimp forks into their carotid arteries was commonplace.

As he required his players to binge watch the films of Sweden’s celebrated director, Ingmar Bergman while in flight, Kelly was quick to point out the stunning similarities of that country’s most famous filmmaker, and the current state of his team.    (more…)

After Third Straight Loss, European Poll Show Dallas Cowboys Only Slightly More Popular Than Mussolini

Wednesday, October 14th, 2015

Il Douchebag. Benito Mussolini, was a tad more despised than Cowboys.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  An informal poll conducted by the Europejska Akademia Sztuk school in Warsaw, Poland, determined Jerry Jones’ squad of NFLers is only 1.3% more popular than Benito Mussolini, the infamous Italian dictator and father of modern fascism.

“They’re contemptible.” said Jerzy Kutrzeba, a professor at the school. “We’ve all been witness to their narcissistic, conceited strutting about for decades. From the giant star that graces midfield and the ten gallon hats, to the Big Brotheresque, monolithic TV screen that dominates the stadium — their outstretched, overinflated, Texas sized, bravado without an ounce of humility, bristles through the air with unmistakable palpability suffocating those too weak to defend themselves with a choking miasma of good ol’ boy, hickory smoked, bar-b-que-infused dickishness. I’ve seen more compassion at a Republican debate. No, wait…strike that.”  (more…)

Chip Kelly Makes Iranian President His New QB Coach Without League Approval

Wednesday, March 11th, 2015

Offensive Move? Iranian President Hassan Rouhani calling the shots.

PHIALDELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Incumbent Iranian President, Hassan Rouhani, has been named the new Quarterbacks Coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, in another shocking move by Head Coach/GM, Chip Kelly. Kelly has been under fire for the past week for the moves he’s made, the latest being trading quarterback Nick Foles, a second-round pick in 2016, and a fourth-round pick in 2015 for Sam Bradford and the Rams’ fifth-round pick in 2015.

“Look, I get it. I read the papers. I know a lot of people are scratching their heads,” Kelly said. “But I know what I’m doing. Hassan’s got a lot of interesting ideas, is a whiz with clock management, and in a pinch, knows what to do with enriched uranium. There’s a new NFL coming, and I’m proclaiming myself king.” (more…)

Eagles Fans Hold Out Hope in Easter Island, Time Warp, Blood Moon, Second Tuesday, Fault Line, Pyramid Apex, Fiery Death of Jerry Jones Scenario

Monday, December 22nd, 2014

Eagles Island? Part of the series of events to occur to get Philly in.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After being in the driver’s seat of the NFC East just three short weeks ago, the Philadelphia Eagles find themselves eliminated from the post season — bounced out after the Dallas Cowboy’s convincing 42-7 drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday.

But are they really out?

Tony Locatelli of South Philadelphia is part of a growing group of Eagles fans that are clinging to a little known, but legitimate scenario that might get their beloved Eagles to the playoffs.  (more…)

Philadelphia Fans Infuriated by Eagles’ Third Straight “Wrong Kind of Win”

Sunday, September 21st, 2014

Not Good Enough. This Birds fan is sick of winning ugly.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a weak NFC East, the Philadelphia Eagles are the odds on favorite to capture the division for a second year running. So far, the record holds up — 3-0. But how the Eagles have accomplished the unblemished mark is not sitting well with many fans.

“Way too much stress,” says Tony Brugolio, 44, of nearby Paoli, Pennsylvania. “Fuck these motherfuckin’ Eagles, and fuck that motherfuckin’ Chip Fuckin’ Kelly.. They’re killing my father. He’s got the congestive heart failure and such. Takin’ shit to the last minute, getting trounced on in the first half, injuries up the fuckin’ ass, you name it. I didn’t sign up for this shit, and neither did the old man.”  (more…)

Guy From Loading Dock Doesn’t Give a Flying F**k About Remaining Four Teams

Monday, January 13th, 2014

Free Floating Hostility. The foreman lays it down.

PLYMOUTH, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Loading dock foreman, Walter Slavish, 48, arrived at work Monday morning at 5:30, placed his lunchbox in his locker and proceeded to go on a ten minute expletive filled tirade about the four remaining NFL teams in line for the Superbowl.

“Once my Steelers got knocked out, I decided to rally a bit behind the (Carolina) Panthers.” said the father of three. “Then, after that went down in flames yesterday, I decided it was in my best interest to not give a flying fuck who wins the motherfuckin’ thing. Why invest my hard earned emotional attachment to people who I don’t even know? In fact, come to think of it…I’m not even sure why I root for the Steelers. You think they give a shit? Are the Steelers gonna help me fix my broken water heater? Are the Steelers gonna pay for my kid’s braces? Are the Steelers gonna be in my corner when word comes out that I’ve got a girlfriend on the side – that when my wife Darlene finds out will be the end of life as I know it? Fuck no!  They’re nothing but a buncha overpriced pant loads with endorsement deals who wouldn’t know a goddamned open end wrench from a fuckin’ can opener. All due respect.” (more…)

Dallas Cowboys to Begin 2014 Quarterback Experimentation with Lab Rat

Monday, December 30th, 2013

Rat and Happy. This little guy might be getting a big time contract.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After losing the NFC East crown to a division rival for the third straight year, the Dallas Cowboys are going to try something new. With Tony Romo’s history of blowing games and the long return from back surgery, as well as no viable backup at the helm, the team says their next move will be radical.

“The (24-22) loss to the (Philadelphia) Eagles yesterday got me thinking.” said team owner, Jerry Jones. “When Kyle Orton threw that interception at the end of the game, I lost my cool. You may have seen footage of me in the luxury suite actually losing my cool. I said ‘rats!’ Of course, that was right after I said ‘motherfucking, shit eating, bastard, son of a bitch, prick, fuck!’  But the takeaway was indeed ‘rats.’ I immediately took my private elevator down to our underground laboratory, where we experiment with body parts. I walked past the severed limbs and skeletal remains of former employees right to the rat area.” (more…)

Tony Romo Gets “Steaming Pile of Poo” Post Game Award; Shares It With Team

Monday, December 16th, 2013

Shit Winnin’ Grin. Tony Romo shares the steaming pile with his team.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After witnessing a Philadelphia Eagles thumping at the hands of the Minnesota Vikings early Sunday afternoon, the Dallas Cowboys were poised to move to the front of a weak NFC East.  It appeared they would do just that in the first half when they took a commanding 26-3 lead over the Green Bay Packers into the locker room. However, in a last minute script change Hollywood style, the Pack came roaring back stealing a victory in the final seconds, 37-36.

Immediately after the game, the team handed their “Steaming Pile of Poo” award to quarterback Tony Romo who threw a critical interception, setting up the Green Bay miracle.

“Once again, I’ve skillfully snatched bitter defeat from the clutches of triumph as only I know how.” said the veteran pass thrower holding the fabled cutting board piled high with the vaporous, fetid fecal matter of several unnamed linemen. “But to stand here today and not share this with each and every one of my teammates and coaches, would be unthinkable.”  (more…)

Lions Kicker Akers Still Missing After Being Buried Under Snow

Tuesday, December 10th, 2013

This Boot is Moot. Akers epic fail may be his last.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s been over 48 hours since Detroit Lions placekicker, David Akers went missing in a game many players called the Snow Bowl this past Sunday when the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the visiting Lions, 34-20.

Akers’ services were basically deemed obsolete as a driving snow limited visibility and mobility during the game. He missed his one PAT attempt, and both teams elected to attempt 2 point conversions from that point on after scoring touchdowns.

Akers wasn’t seen again. It is believed he’s still buried deep inside a pile of snow.  (more…)

Andy Reid Fired; Severance Package Includes Bacon

Monday, December 31st, 2012

Goodbye, Pork High Fat. Andy Reid might take his bacon westward.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It happened in an instant. Less than twenty-four hours after the Philadelphia Eagles crushing 42-7 defeat at the hands of the New York Giants on Sunday, the team’s most successful coach, Andy Reid finds himself without a gig.

Many fans say the termination is long overdue. Some feel the move is a mistake. No matter how you slice it, Reid walks away with plenty in the bank, a solid resume, and a pallet of Dietz and Watson® brand bacon.

“I had options.” Reid said. “I chose bacon.”  (more…)