Posts Tagged ‘Philadelphia Flyers’

Flyers Hope to End Goalie Dilemma By Signing Jason Voorhees

Friday, January 13th, 2012

Shave by Voorhees! Flyers goalie situation is a bloody mess.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Flyers expected to have their longtime goalie issues cleared up at the outset of the season when they inked high priced net minder, Ilya Bryzgalov. It’s hasn’t worked out so well as his glaring inconsistency and oddball pre and post game comments have proved irksome for the Flyers. The alternative, Sergei Bobrovsky, hasn’t been much better. So yesterday Flyers General Manager, Paul Holmgren announced the team has signed the goalie mask wearing fictional mass murderer, Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th movie franchise.

“Jason’s a pro and has a track record.” said Holmgren. “I don’t know too many guys who are gonna want to get too close to the net for a shot. You’re gonna see a few attempts from fifteen or twenty feet away, but that’s it.” (more…)


Flyers Get Called for Icing; Cake Had Just a LIttle Too Much Frosting

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

That One's Gonna Frost Ya. Too much icing on the cake, cost Flyers.

SUNRISE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Flyers defeated the Florida Panthers last night 3-2 in a much needed victory after slipping into a bit of a tailspin over the past two weeks.

“This was a big one for us,” said Coach Peter Laviolette. “But that icing call? C’mon. It was clearly a gesture of good will. I was always taught when you come to someone else’s house, you don’t come empty handed. We wanted to slip our hosts a little something, so we brought a cake. Then they tell us our baking skills weren’t up to snuff? Fuck them!”

Apparently, the cake had too much icing, a violation in the NHL. (more…)


Blackhawks Drink From Lord Stanley’s Cup; Find Drool and Old Teeth

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Cup in the Air. Blackhawks team members hoist the Stanley Cup and drink it's unsanitary contents.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Perhaps it played out as the hockey gods had intended.  A dominant Chicago Blackhawks team ended the improbable run to history made by the Philadelphia Flyers last night before a capacity crowd decked out in orange and black at Wachovia Center in Philadelphia.

“This is amazing. There is no feeling to describe it,” said defenseman Duncan Keith. “drinking from Lord Stanley’s Cup was sweet – with a lingering aftertaste of ancient backwash.” (more…)


NHL FINALS: Ghost of Kate Smith Haunting Chicago’s United Center

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

A Kate Worse Than Death. Long dead songstress Kate Smith is rattling Chicagoland.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) To Philadelphia Flyers fans she is revered and loved.  Her stirring rendition of “God Bless America” has left an indelible mark on the city’s franchise – especially their win totals when recordings of the song are played.

But now, nearly a quarter century since the beloved songstress has passed, something sinister may be afoot in the Windy City. (more…)