Posts Tagged ‘Philadelphia Phillies’

From the Archives: Down on Luck Lenny Dykstra Sells Dentures on eBay

Tuesday, October 25th, 2016
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Glass Act. Lenny Dykstra’s teeth include this collectible glass container.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, CA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) How the mighty have fallen. Once a baseball all-star and stock picker to the stars, former outfielder, Lenny Dykstra, now spends his days toiling away in prison. His rap sheet reads like the credits on a blockbuster movie…long.

Now, the man they called “Nails” will take whatever bucks he can as he’s just put his dentures up for bid on eBay. No takers as of yet. (more…)


Due To Sign Stealing, Mets to Speak in Mafia Code for Remainder of Season

Tuesday, June 21st, 2016
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The Stand Up. The Mets arranging a sit down, standing up. Get used to it.

FLUSHING QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Despite a bumpy week, the New York Mets feel the National League East is up for grabs. Now, after discovering opposing teams have been stealing their signs, the team has elected to scrap traditional baseball signals relayed to the third base coach, and communicate with each other by using elaborate Mafia code. Each player will be briefed privately before each game as to the meaning of individual phrases used by organized crime. Mafiaspeak like “The Brooklyn Thing,” “That Other Thing,” “The Jersey Guy,” “Buy Yourself Somethin’ Nice,” and “The Luchesse Hit” will all refer to direct orders from the manager. However, a buffer will be used between the manager and players. Also, the meanings of the code may change every day or even several times throughout the day.   (more…)


Mike Schmidt Speaks to School Kids Who Never Heard of Mike Schmidt

Friday, July 17th, 2015

 

 

 

There’s a Schmidt Storm Coming. Mike Schmidt moments before lecturing grade schoolers.

 

 

JUPITER, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame third baseman Mike Schmidt, spent yesterday morning chatting with a group of third graders at Turtle River Montessori School in Jupiter, where Schmidt makes his home.

“The school’s just a couple miles from my house.” said Schmidt. “I’ll talk baseball to whoever wants to listen.”

The elementary students grew restless as the former Phillies slugger waxed nostalgic about his match ups with the likes of Jerry Reuss and Rick Reuschul. (more…)


Despite Pleas From Fans, Phillies Say They’ll Play Second Half of Season

Friday, July 3rd, 2015

They’ve Had Their Phil of Losing. These Phillies fans protest the team’s plans to soldier on.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Phillies, winners of five straight NL East titles (2007-2011) have progressively spiraled out of contention the past three seasons. This year has taken the proverbial cake. The Phillies, with their 27-54 record, are the worst team in baseball at the 81 game halfway point on pace for a 108 loss season.

“It’s sorta like when Tylenol® has to recall millions of boxes of product cuz (because) of tampering.” said Phils’ skipper Pete Mackanin. “We need to send the whole team back to the factory. But we’ll keep trying.”

“Trying” is exactly what most Phillies fans claim they don’t want to see anymore of.  (more…)


Area Dentist Announces to Family He’ll Watch Phillies Losses Alone

Thursday, June 11th, 2015
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What Once Was. Phils Fan can at least recall a few fond memories.

SWARTHMORE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Amidst the Philadelphia Sports memorabilia and framed collages depicting glory days of years past, Lou Panagakos dwells in his man cave alone, shut off from his wife and two sons, for the precious three hours he once eagerly shared with them.

“As head of this family it’s incumbent upon me to make a stand,” the 53 year old dentist proclaimed. “I simply will not subject the innocent to the excruciating horror that unfolds every night between 7 and 10PM. It is not for the faint of heart or the squeamish”

Panagakos is referring to the abysmal performance this season of his beloved Phillies who currently enjoy a league worst 22-39 record. (more…)


Chase Utley Changes At Bat Music to Somber Cello Solo

Tuesday, April 28th, 2015
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Cello. Goodbye. Chase Utley in the throes of despair.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Mired in the worst slump and poorest season start of his career, Philadelphia Phillies All-Star second baseman, Chase Utley has told Citizen’s Bank Park “in-game” sound designers to change his tune.

“When things were going well, I’d confidently strut to the dish to the strains of Led Zeppelin’s Cashmere,” the veteran second sacker boasted. “But now, given what is evidently the twilight of a career in which I’ve clearly overstayed my welcome, I choose instead to hesitantly meander to the plate to the harrowing, somber tones of György Ligeti’s Sonata for Cello — a bleak, bottomless, musical miasma of desolation and suffering. I feel, as does the organization, that this selection of music more accurately captures the tone of my current state, as well as the team and city.” (more…)


Phillies’ Chase Utley to Wear Life Alert® Necklace for 2015 Season

Tuesday, March 31st, 2015

The Chase is over? No one knows for sure.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though a Philadelphia favorite, Phillies second baseman Chase Utley has shown rapidly diminishing range due to his chronic knee problems. The decline has mystified fans, teammates and coaches.

“He’s gotten old really quick,” said Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg. “That’s why we set him up with Life Alert®. He trips and falls like Lindsay Lohan on a skating rink – with all due respect to Ms. Lohan. If he’s all of a sudden in a prone position on the field and can’t get up, all he has to do is press the button, and help is on the way.” (more…)


In Huge Payroll Cutting Effort, Phillies Outsource Entire Team to India

Tuesday, January 27th, 2015
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Watch That Baby, Outta Here!!! Badal Agarwal taking extra BP after learning he’s the Phillies new first baseman.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Badal Agarwal, Laksh Jayaraman, and Haaroon Kapur are just some of the new stars Philadelphia Phillies fans are going to have to embrace when the ball club announced today it was scrapping the entire high priced payroll of older stars and starting anew.

The team told a stunned throng of media that the entire roster would be outsourced to New Delhi at a fraction of the cost.

“We’re literally saving millions and millions.”  said new General Manager, Ekaaksha Ganesh, who replaced the wildly unpopular, Ruben Amaro Jr. “Granted, most of our fellows have only played cricket, but they’re good athletes and I expect them to make the transition in time for Opening Day.”

Though there’s reason for optimism, not everyone is thrilled with the team’s new direction.  Others see it as bad for baseball and the wrong message to send U.S. workers. (more…)


Diehard Phillies Fan Bobby Cofski Won’t Leave Ball Park

Friday, October 3rd, 2014

Alone Again, Unnaturally. Bobby Cofski won’t go home.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Bobby Cofski, the overly enthusiastic and delusional Philadelphia Phillies fan of Vineland, New Jersey and Parkland, Florida strolls aimlessly but remains camped out in section 242, row 13, seat 6 at Citizen’s Bank Park in South Philadelphia awaiting the playoffs to begin.

“It starts tonight. I expect results.” the effervescent bank vice president screamed clutching his Phillies pennant, a bag of peanuts and a Diet Coke®.  (more…)


Cole Hamels Early Favorite for Biped of the Year; Kangaroo, Ostrich Also in Running

Thursday, September 18th, 2014

 

Roos or Ruse? Cole Hamels isn’t quite sure.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as one of the top left handers in the game, pitcher Cole Hamels is one of the few bright spots in an otherwise forgettable 2014 Philadelphia Phillies season. With a solid statistical season nearly behind him, Hamels is the odds on favorite to win Biped of the Year. The award has been handed out each year by the Bipedalism Enthusiasts of North America (BENA) since 2003. Past winners include Dirk Nowitzki, Phil Mickelson, and a chicken. (more…)


Detonating Small Nuke Near Player to Show Displeasure, Considered Poor Form

Wednesday, August 27th, 2014
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Nuke the Fluke. Dom Brown caught some shrapnel from this crude explosive.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A former Phillies number one draft pick has proven to be one of the great busts in team history. Domonic Brown was selected based on his superior athletic skills, but the team failed to realize his baseball skills are pedestrian at best. Brown has drawn the ire of a majority of fans, including Bobby Cofski, who managed to seize enough plutonium on the black market to construct a crude nuclear device. He detonated it near Brown shortly after yesterday’s game.

Brown only received superficial abrasions and is expected to be available for tonight’s game.  (more…)


Phillies Designate Reliever Jeff Manship to Neighborhood Hoagie Shop

Monday, June 2nd, 2014

 

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On the Manship Hoagie Shop. Mansy’s outta here.

SOUTH PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Philadelphia Phillies reliever Jeff Manship  has been optioned to Joey’s Hoagie Hut on Passyunk Avenue in South Philly.

“Manship knows how to throw gas on a fire, which works wonders for our flame fired pork and onion hoagie.” said 62 year old Joey Valone, owner of the establishment since 1979. “We’re looking forward to having him aboard.”

Former teammates look forward to visiting Manship in his new digs.  (more…)