Glass Act. Lenny Dykstra’s teeth include this collectible glass container.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, CA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) How the mighty have fallen. Once a baseball all-star and stock picker to the stars, former outfielder, Lenny Dykstra, now spends his days toiling away in prison. His rap sheet reads like the credits on a blockbuster movie…long.

Now, the man they called “Nails” will take whatever bucks he can as he’s just put his dentures up for bid on eBay. No takers as of yet. (more…)

Estate of Depression. The palatial grounds of the long suffering Bobby Cofski await the master's return from the brink.

SOUTH FLORIDA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Holed up in an undisclosed location in South Florida, transplanted Philadelphia sports fan, Bobby Cofski is said to be clinging to life in an advanced state of depression brought on by severe baseball withdrawal.

“It’s been several months without baseball.” said clinical sports psychologist, Archibald Fleem. “We’d hoped the announcement of hockey returning might help, but it appears to be too late. We’re showing him old photos of (former Phillies outfielder) Bake McBride, but he merely shrugs his shoulders, stares blankly and dribbles into a cup.”  (more…)

Headless or Tedless? The Phillies are juggling that question.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After five consecutive years of winning the National League East, the 2012 Phillies fell on hard times finishing at .500 and watching the rival Washington Nationals win the crown. That didn’t sit well with team ownership, management, the players and especially, the fans. That’s why General Manager, Ruben Amaro Jr. is leaving no stone unturned to bolster the team’s offense, which was uncharacteristically anemic last season.   (more…)

Alone Again, Unnaturally. Bobby Cofski won't go home.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Bobby Cofski, the overly enthusiastic and delusional Philadelphia Phillies fan of Vineland, New Jersey and Parkland, Florida strolls aimlessly but remains camped out in section 242, row 13, seat 6 at Citizen’s Bank Park in South Philadelphia awaiting the playoffs to begin.

“It starts tonight. I expect results.” the effervescent bank vice president screamed clutching his Phillies pennant, a bag of peanuts and a Diet Coke®.  (more…)

There's a Schmidt Storm Coming. Mike Schmidt moments before lecturing grade schoolers.

JUPITER, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame third baseman Mike Schmidt, spent yesterday morning chatting with a group of third graders at Turtle River Montessori School in Jupiter, where Schmidt makes his home.

“The school’s just a couple miles from my house.” said Schmidt. “I’ll talk baseball to whoever wants to listen.”

The elementary students grew restless as the former Phillies slugger waxed nostalgic about his match ups with the likes of Jerry Reuss and Rick Reuschul. (more…)

They've Had Their Phil of Losing. These Phillies fans protest the team's plans to soldier on.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Phillies, winners of five straight NL East titles (2007-2011) have gone from first to worst in an inexplicable free fall from grace this season. The first half of the campaign couldn’t have gone any worse for the team. With a record of 37-50 so far, they didn’t lose their 50th game last season until September 12th.

“It’s sorta like when Tylenol® has to recall millions of boxes of product cuz (because) of tampering.” said Phils’ skipper Charlie Manuel. “We need to send the whole team back to the factory. But we’ll keep trying.”

“Trying” is exactly what most Phillies fans claim they don’t want to see anymore of.  (more…)

Qualls Quelled. Chad Qaulls thinking about slapping some ribeye on an Amoroso roll.

SOUTH PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Philadelphia Phillies late inning reliever Chad Qualls was given his walking papers on Thursday after allowing another close game slip away, as the Pittsburgh Pirates defeated the host Phillies, 11-7. Qualls, who’s struggled most of the season with a 4.60 ERA was optioned to Joey’s Hoagie Hut on Passyunk Avenue in South Philly.

“Qualls knows how to throw gas on a fire, which works wonders for our flame fired pork and onion hoagie.” said 62 year old Joey Valone, owner of the establishment since 1979. “We’re looking forward to having him aboard.”

Former teammates look forward to visiting Qualls in his new digs.  (more…)

The Chase is over? No one knows for sure.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though a Philadelphia favorite, Phillies second baseman Chase Utley has shown rapidly diminishing range due to his chronic knee problems. The decline has mystified fans, teammates and coaches, as the former all-star has yet to play a regular season game this season.

“He’s gotten old really quick,” said Phillies manager Charlie Manuel. “That’s why we set him up with Life Alert®. He trips and falls like a drunken Irishman on a skating rink – with all due respect to drunken Irishmen. If he’s all of a sudden in a prone position on the field and can’t get up, all he has to do is press the button, and help is on the way.” (more…)

Hitting Streak. St. Louis Streaker moments before a beat down.

ST. LOUIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Collin J. Grundstrom, a 22 year old landscaper from Jefferson City, Missouri thrilled fans at Busch Stadium on Thursday night in game between the host Cardinals and visiting Philadelphia Phillies.

In the top of the seventh inning, Grundstrom, who claims he lost a bet, dashed onto the field sans clothing and ran around the outfield. That’s when security chief, Joe Walsh, accompanied by his team of guards, corralled the bald headed prankster and inserted a taser in his anus.

“It definitely got his attention.” said Walsh. “It often does.”  (more…)

Thome or Not Thome? That is what's confusing everyone.

SAN DIEGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Future Hall of Famer Jim Thome, who’s thrilled fans with over 600 Major League home runs, is struggling mightily so far this season and many people believe his career is through – including the Phillies. Thome apparently believes he’s still on the Phillies. The team told him his services are no longer required, but the aging slugger continues to suit up for games and managed to force himself into the lineup Sunday afternoon in a 6-1 loss where he committed an error and struck out twice.  (more…)

Roos or Ruse? Cole Hamels isn't quite sure.

CLEARWATER, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as part of the Philadelphia Phillies’ Trio of Doom, along with staff aces, Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee, left handed pitcher Cole Hamels is expected to be a major reason why the Phils are expected to capture their sixth straight NL East Division title in 2012. With Spring Training already started for pitchers and catchers, Hamels is the odds on favorite to win Biped of the Year. The award has been handed out each year by the Bipedalism Enthusiasts of North America (BENA) since 2003. Past winners include Dirk Nowitzki, Phil Mickelson, and a chicken. (more…)

Dead Calm. Ryan Madson without a care in the world, moments after fishing partner Jonathan Papelbon went missing.

CLEARWATER, FLORIDA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It seemed innocent enough; The Philadelphia Phillies former closer taking the high priced free agent who took his place out on the high seas for some fun in the sun.

Ryan Madson thought he was a shoe in for the closer roll and a big contract this season with the only team he’s known, the Phillies. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, General Manager, Ruben Amaro Jr. snatched up high ticket hurler Jonathan Papelbon, and Madson was suddenly expendable. But Madson wanted to prove he had no hard feelings. Though in intense negotiations with the Cincinnati Reds, he found time to invite Papelbon to the his winter home in Clearwater for some fishing.

Papelbon hasn’t been heard from since. (more…)