Posts Tagged ‘Pirates’

A TSD Classique: Mario Mendoza’s Property “Line” Relentlessly Ridiculed by Local Youth

Monday, October 10th, 2016

 

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Does This Cross the Line? Local kids enjoy taunting the former light hitting infielder.

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Major League slick fielding but notoriously light hitting infielder, Mario Mendoza attempts to live a quiet, secluded life in the hills around his Chihuahua home. But in the age of instant information, even this small Mexican hamlet isn’t immune to young children learning everything they can about the man who made the “Mendoza Line” famous.

“When you’re hitting below the Mendoza Line, like I am now, you hear about it.” said Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, who left the Phillies for a 126 million dollar deal in the nation’s capital.

It is widely accepted that the mythical Mendoza Line is hitting below .200 – but in actuality – Mendoza’s lifetime batting average was .215.

Now Mendoza himself is the target of children’s taunts as they retrieve errant baseballs and soccer balls from his yard. As they cross his property line they shout “Look, even I can play over the Mendoza Line.”

“He’s something of a local legend here.” says town mayor Juan Carlos Moreno. “Particularly when he trips over garbage cans as he exits Pepe’s Cantina at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.” (more…)


Pittsburgh’s Unhealthiest Fan Really Pissed about Pirates’ Plan to Offer Turkey Dogs

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

The Good Life. Larry Swarski's life is measured in seconds.

PITTSBURGH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In an effort to encourage a healthier ballpark experience, the Pittsburgh Pirates say they plan to offer turkey hot dogs at specified locations throughout PNC Park during the 2011 season.

“Holy fucking shit! This is just so typical.” said Larry Swarski of nearby Latrobe who proudly identifies himself as ‘unhealthy and proud.’ “You know what this means don’t ya? It means I’ll have to wait in line a lot longer now while ‘Miss Fucking Aerobics Instructor with the Mercedes SUV’ convinces her little snot-nosed, six year old shitheads that the turkey hot dog is the wiser choice – and it ‘tastes just like the real thing.’ Well I got news for you biotch – it tastes nothing like the real thing, which for the uninitiated is a hickory smoked, carcinogen causing, excessively processed, pork scraps packed, dick shaped weiner on a twelve inch bun with chili, mustard and onions. Any questions?”

“While we certainly appreciate Mr. Swarski’s opinion, we feel the turkey hot dog will be popular.” said Pirates Assistant Promotions Director, Joe Wong. “There’ll be plenty of convenient locations throughout the venue for Mr. Swarski and others to enjoy the more traditional hot dog experience. However, for the record, we encourage moderation.” (more…)


Recalling a Formerly Great Rivalry (and one scary lookin’ guy)

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

They used to be in the same division.

They used to be great rivals.

No more.

(more…)


The Fine Line Between a Reader and Someone Who Won’t Let You Relieve Yourself in Peace

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
Care for a Tick Tack? A comb? Is there anything else I can do for you?

Care for a Tick Tack? A comb? Is there anything else I can do for you?

Some time back we did a story blowing the lid off a covert op sanctioned by the  MLB — drug testers posing as men’s room attendants were secretly posted in select MLB locker rooms: “You’re standing there, taking care of business, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a Dixie cup appears between your legs,” said an unnamed Pittsburgh Pirate whose experience was shared by dozens of other players around the league. “You’re like – wha? It all happens so fast…you zip up, a non-descript gentleman hands you a towel, gives you a splash of cologne and offers you a breath mint. You have no idea what just hit you or what just happened, but your breath feels minty fresh and you smell like a million bucks.”  http://www.sportsmansdaily.com/Mens_Room_Attendant.html

Months later we receive this: (more…)


Somali Pirates Sail up Ohio River; Demand Entry into National League

Sunday, April 19th, 2009
Holy Pitt! These pirates expect to shake up the NL Central

Holy Pitt! These pirates expect to shake up the NL Central

PITTSBURGH, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Pirates.  It’s hard to comprehend it being a 21st century problem, but it is. Pirates on the high seas, primarily from near the Somali coast, are boldly gaining control of vessels attempting to deliver food and supplies around the world.

Apparently, they’ve just branched out.

(more…)


Recalling a Formerly Great Rivalry (and one scary lookin’ guy).

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

They used to be in the same division.

They used to be great rivals.

No more.

(more…)