Posts Tagged ‘Pittsburgh Steelers’

Guy From Loading Dock Doesn’t Give a Flying F**k About Remaining Four Teams

Monday, January 13th, 2014

Free Floating Hostility. The foreman lays it down.

PLYMOUTH, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Loading dock foreman, Walter Slavish, 48, arrived at work Monday morning at 5:30, placed his lunchbox in his locker and proceeded to go on a ten minute expletive filled tirade about the four remaining NFL teams in line for the Superbowl.

“Once my Steelers got knocked out, I decided to rally a bit behind the (Carolina) Panthers.” said the father of three. “Then, after that went down in flames yesterday, I decided it was in my best interest to not give a flying fuck who wins the motherfuckin’ thing. Why invest my hard earned emotional attachment to people who I don’t even know? In fact, come to think of it…I’m not even sure why I root for the Steelers. You think they give a shit? Are the Steelers gonna help me fix my broken water heater? Are the Steelers gonna pay for my kid’s braces? Are the Steelers gonna be in my corner when word comes out that I’ve got a girlfriend on the side – that when my wife Darlene finds out will be the end of life as I know it? Fuck no!  They’re nothing but a buncha overpriced pant loads with endorsement deals who wouldn’t know a goddamned open end wrench from a fuckin’ can opener. All due respect.” (more…)

Xtina’s Botched Anthem Vocal Gymnastics Still Get a Ten from North Korean Judge; Packers Win Super Bowl

Monday, February 7th, 2011

National Nightmare. Xtina puts her heart into botching the Star Spangled Banner

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Christina Aguilera’s version of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl infuriated millions of people nationwide when she botched the lyrics and forgot one line entirely. Radio shows and message boards across the country were buzzing almost immediately. But as her vocal gymnastics routine continued, she apparently rebounded enough to satisfy Kwan Luck, the North Korean judge who gave her a perfect, yet highly controversial score of 10.

“Her vocal gymnastics were of the highest order,” Luck said through an interpreter. “The pan-global, stylistic bravura, the incessant ‘Whahahaha Ohohohoh’ tremolo-vibrato hybrid, and the pulling away from any semblance of melody so that the song became almost unrecognizable was world class, not to mention, flawless. The fact that she dropped a line and fucked up another, pardon my French, is really immaterial. What we’re talking about here is her ability to make the song about herself; to soar above and steal the spotlight from the largely forgotten, unappreciated, classically-trained, supporting musicians earning union scale. That’s entertainment.” (more…)

Bandwagon Fans Line Up to Change Team Affiliations

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Jet Outta Here! These Jets fans say the honeymoon is over.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York City Police Department had to be brought in Sunday night to deal with a large crowd that assembled on the sidewalks outside NFL headquarters in Midtown Manhattan after the conclusion of the AFC Championship game.  The Pittsburgh Steelers won thegame, 24-19, over the New York Jets to advance to their record eighth Super Bowl.

The crowd was reportedly comprised of fans urgently seeking to petition the league office to change their team affiliations and become Pittsburgh Steeler fans.  More than ninety percent were reportedly former Dallas Cowboy fans, none of whom said they had ever lived in Texas  – or even Pennsylvania for that matter. (more…)

Roethlisberger in Trouble Again for Acting Like a Total Dick in the Huddle

Monday, October 18th, 2010

Brass Balls in the Steel City. Big Ben breaking serious balls in the huddle in this undated photo.

PITTSBURGH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) What happens in the huddle, stays in the huddle. That is until yesterday when several Pittsburgh Steelers voiced their displeasure with the boorish behavior exhibited by their teammate, embattled quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

Roethlisberger, or Big Ben as he is known, served a four game suspension handed down by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for several violations of the league’s personal misconduct policy which included allegations of sexual assault. He returned yesterday before a sellout crowd in Pittsburgh as the Steelers defeated the Cleveland Browns 28-10. (more…)