Posts Tagged ‘red sox’

FOX Taps Tim McCarver to Once Again State Painfully Obvious During World Series

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013


“A game winning homer would send these fans home happy!” No shit Sherlock. Tim McCarver’s maddening grasp of the obvious has worn thin with even the most casual of baseball fans.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —FOX Sports will once again pair Joe Buck and Tim McCarver in the broadcast booth during the upcoming World Series.

“’Horror.’ That’s the overall sentiment among most baseball fans as the agonizing color commentary of (former major league catcher and long time analyst) Tim McCarver permeates the airwaves.” says John Harbidge, TV writer for the Boston Globe. “Personally, when I hear that Tennessee drawl fused with his excruciatingly witless plays on words, and the uncanny knack for over-dramatizing a routine grounder, I want to plunge a shrimp fork into my corroded artery. I swear, I’d blow a Navy Seal in Macy’s window at high noon just to see Dustin Pedroia foul off a one-hundred mile per hour pitch back into the broadcast booth with the window open striking McCarver in the temple. Anything to shut that fucker up!” (more…)

Red Sox Still Wrestling Emotionally With Loss of Sherman Hemsley

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012

Sox Moved on Down. Beantowners still struggling in George-less world.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the opportunity to play spoiler, the Boston Red Sox are going out like a lamb, with another crushing loss the New York Yankees. It’s basically been the story of the 2012 season. Since the July 24th passing of television character actor Sherman Hemsley, the Red Sox took an already disappointing season and made it worse. Hemsley, who played the iconic George Jefferson, died on July 24th of this year which oddly coincided with the free fall of the team.

“It sucks.” said second baseman Dustin Pedroia. “We loved that dude. We were hovering around the .500 mark before he left us. After that though, it was a spiral straight to the basement. We thought a lot about George and Weezie. The clubhouse was somber. It still is.

“He moved on up in life and in death.” said Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine. “That’s something we couldn’t emulate this season. Though overall, we have the death part down pretty well.”   (more…)

Francona Kisses Heads of Players to Make It All Feel Better; Papelbon Rides Bike Back to Boston

Thursday, September 29th, 2011

Stare Tactics. Jonathan Papelbon's glaring glance to home plate didn't intimidate the Orioles.

BALTIMORE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Another epic collapse in baseball. The Phillies of 1964. The Mets of 2007. And now the Boston Red Sox of 2011. The team many predicted to win it all this season, had the Wild Card all but sewn up earlier this month, but a charging Tampa Bay Rays team had other ideas. Coupled with Boston’s freefall, the season culminated at 12:05 AM on Thursday, as Evan Longoria’s left field laser beam ended it all.

“I’d kick myself,” said Red Sox outfielder, Carl Crawford. “But I think I’d miss.” (more…)

All Star Game Loss Gives Red Sox Chance to Sweep World Series at Fenway

Wednesday, July 13th, 2011

Youk Bet Your Life! Kevin Youkilis all but guarantees Sox will win it all at home.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With a 5-1 victory over American League in Tuesday’s All Star Game, the National League earned a four games to three home field advantage in the 2011 World Series. But that’s not how the prognosticator’s favorite, Boston Red Sox view it.

“I’m so glad we lost.” said Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis. “Now, when we sweep the Phillies or Giants or Braves or Brewers of whatever, we’ll do it at Fenway, in front of 37,493 screaming Sox fans.” (more…)

Yankees Announce Advance Forfeit of Weekend Series by Red Sox

Friday, April 8th, 2011

Loser. Self-loathing Red Sox fan Jerry O'Hanlon takes it all in stride.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Having seen their archrival begin the 2011 season with six losses and no victories, the New York Yankees announced late Thursday night that they have accepted a forfeit of the three-game weekend series in Boston, before the games have even been played.

“We talked about it on the plane after thumping Minnesota again,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said.  “At first the boys on the team weren’t so sure, figuring it would be more fun to dominate them on the field as usual – followed of course by the ceremonial, candle lit, paddling in the locker room with the more than palpable homoerotic undertones – but after a few beers it became unanimous.”

Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman called the Red Sox main offices from the plane to convey the news. (more…)

Matsuzaka To Face Godzilla in Spring Training Game

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011

The Ultimate Hibachi: This is what could be in store for Daisuke Matsuzaka if he decides to throw a little chin music Godzilla's way. It could be a tough injury to return from.

FORT MYERS, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Boston Red Sox hurler Daisuke Matsuzaka is struggling this spring with an ERA of over 6.00. Of course it’s insignificant compared to things back home in Japan. And now, he’s got more to worry about as a fellow native countryman – so to speak – is ready to challenge him.

The Minnesota Twins have signed legendary Japanese movie monster Godzilla to a one game contract to hit cleanup. The game is scheduled for Saturday night at 7:00 PM.  (more…)

Boston Bruins Issue Formal Apology to Pats, Sox, and Celts for Not Being Championshippy Enough

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Boston Mangler. This unidentified Bruins player contemplates a career change.

Beantown faithful shout at NHL franchise: “Out Damn Spot!”

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — With the Celtics taking aim at their second NBA title in three years, and the Patriots and Red Sox combining for five championships in less than a decade, the Boston Bruins appear to be the red-headed stepchild in an otherwise big happy New England family. “Every city has a skeleton in its closet – and when we open up ours, the Bruins fall out.” said New England Patriots owner Robert Craft alluding to a city still licking it’s wounds from an improbable collapse a week ago against the Philadelphia Flyers. (more…)

The “Green Monster”

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

green_monsterI was talking to my friend about the new Mets and Yankees parks when we started wondering aloud how they’d go about building a new Fenway if, repeat IF, a new generation of fans suddenly succumbed to a collective fit of amnesia or simply embraced the idea of modern amenities.  Most importantly, what would they do with left field? We got on this when discussing Citi Field — how it remains consistent with Shea in that it’s still a pitcher’s ballpark, which we agreed is every bit as part of the stadium’s legacy — or, soul — as the architectural flourishes that link it to its past (which in this case also includes echoes of Ebbetts Field). So, purely as a hypothetical, what do you do re the Monster? You can’t not “refer” to it, but I don’t see how you can mimic it — I mean, let’s face it, it’s an engineering defect, no matter how attached you are to baseball tradtion in general and Sox tradition in particular. (more…)