Posts Tagged ‘Reggie Jackson’

Four Out of Five Doctors Agree Reggie is Still an Asshole

Monday, July 13th, 2015

 

Jackass. Reggie Jackson apparently can still deliver the goods.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame slugger Reggie Jackson may have mellowed over the years, but it seems the overall personality traits that often infuriated managers, fans, opponents and teammates alike remain firmly intact.

“I feel like if I know a fastball is coming, I can still jack one out of the yard,” said the  66 year old Jackson. “That’s a nice feeling to have. Its also a nice feeling to know that I can bewilder most pea brained homunculi with my near genius 149 IQ, witty repartie, still dashing good looks, and life-of-the-party magnetism. But be rest assured that should my sole recourse be rolling around in the intellectual mud, I can motherfuck someone up and down with the best of them.”

“Yep, he’s still an asshole,” said former Yankees teammate Craig Nettles. “That’s Reggie talking.” (more…)


Four Out of Five Doctors Agree Reggie is Still an Asshole

Wednesday, October 29th, 2014

 

Jackass. Reggie Jackson apparently can still deliver the goods.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame slugger Reggie Jackson may have mellowed over the years, but it seems the overall personality traits that often infuriated managers, fans, opponents and teammates alike remain firmly intact.

“I feel like if I know a fastball is coming, I can still jack one out of the yard,” said the  64 year old Jackson. “That’s a nice feeling to have. Its also a nice feeling to know that I can bewilder most pea brained homunculi with my near genius 149 IQ, witty repartie, still dashing good looks, and life-of-the-party magnetism. But be rest assured that should my sole recourse be rolling around in the intellectual mud, I can motherfuck someone up and down with the best of them.”

“Yep, he’s still an asshole,” said former Yankees teammate Craig Nettles. “That’s Reggie talking.” (more…)


Blue Man Group Will Be Inserted as New Phillies Right Fielder

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Baseball Blues. Spring training is still weeks away. But Blue Man Group hopes to ignite a fire in Philly.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The performance art organization known as Blue Man Group will man right field for the Philadelphia Phillies for the upcoming 2011 season.

The position has been a point of contention ever since Jayson Werth opted for free agency enjoying a huge payday in Washington when he signed a seven year deal with the Nationals.

“We just needed to place some closure on the right field situation,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. “No offense to Benny (Ben Francisco) or Domonic Brown or Ross Gload, but they’re kind of boring. We’re solid at the other positions, but right field is an issue. Blue Man Group gives us a unit of three athletic, creative, sexually ambiguous, transgender individuals we can rotate in and out and get some solid entertainment value. I’m not too worried about the hitting. It’ll come.” (more…)


Four Out of Five Doctors Agree Reggie is Still an Asshole

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

Jackass. Reggie Jackson apparently can still deliver the goods.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame slugger Reggie Jackson may have mellowed over the years, but it seems the overall personality traits that often infuriated managers, fans, opponents and teammates alike remain firmly intact. (more…)


Vintage Outburst from the Boss Fires Up Yanks

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

Yankees Boss George Steinbrenner bids farewell to his sanity as he embarks on a vintage, unprovoked melt-down.

NEW YORK (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –It lasted only ten minutes, but for those present in the  locker room, it was worth every deranged second.

“Man, it was like the old days,” said a long-time Yankee executive, still savoring the vintage melt down. “Some of the guys only heard about it, but they never actually witnessed it. The whole thing was almost surreal — the Boss is thrashing about in a wheel chair, red in the face, obviously off his meds and completely out of his mind, while everyone is standing around watching like it’s something out of the WWF and they’re expecting Vince McMahon to spill into the room, holding Donald Trump’s disembodied hair piece in a headlock.” (more…)


MLB Honors Kevin Costner for Appearing in Every Baseball Movie Ever Made

Friday, May 7th, 2010

Is This Kevin? The star of "Field of Dreams" and "Bull Durham" is receiving the highest (and only) honor Hollywood bestows on baseball movie actors.

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Sports movie buffs say the honor is long overdue. But Kevin Costner’s special day has arrived.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig as well as several baseball luminaries including Hall of Famers Reggie Jackson and Tom Seaver journeyed to Hollywood, California to present the 55 year old actor with the first ever Bronze Ball Award yesterday. The unprecedented honor recognizes Costner as the only actor to appear in every baseball movie ever produced in Hollywood. The award is a five pound bronze baseball with the block letters of the HOLLYWOOD sign emblazoned between the stitches across the sweet spot. (more…)


Vintage Outburst from the Boss Fires Up Yanks

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
Vintage Outburst from the Boss Fires Up Yanks
NEW YORK (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –It lasted only ten minutes, but for those present in the  locker room, it was worth every deranged second.
“Man, it was like the old days,” said a long-time Yankee executive, still savoring the vintage melt down. “Some of the guys only heard about it, but they never actually witnessed it. The whole thing was almost surreal — the Boss is thrashing about in a wheel chair, red in the face, obviously off his meds and completely out of his mind, while everyone is standing around watching like it’s something out of the WWF and they’re expecting Vince McMahon to spill into the room, holding Donald Trump’s disembodied hair piece in a headlock.”
Steinbrenner’s vintage outburst was apparently triggered by the long-repressed memory of a 6-4 loss to the Red Sox – a game that happened in 1978.  As the Yankees filed into the locker room after a Monday afternoon workout, they were greeted by the rare sight of team owner George Steinbrenner, who in recent years has gradually faded from public view. He now spends the majority of his time in Tampa, which has given rise to persistent rumors of his failing health. While this has been consistently denied by Yankee brass and long time public relations rep Howard Rubenstein, recent sightings indicate that the Boss has indeed slowed dramatically and is unsteady on his feet. But most uncharacteristically — and most notedly — the Boss’s legendary, often unprovoked tirades, have been missing in action for several years now– to the dismay of sports fans, sports writers, Yankees haters and anger management professionals everywhere, all of whom fondly remember the vicarious thrill of lavishly paid athletes being humiliated in public.
However, only moments into his vintage tirade, it turned even more vintage than expected.
“Where the hell is Nettles? Nettles! Get your big overpaid behind in here, I know you’re hiding out in the trainer’s room getting hammered with Munson and Gossage, making fat jokes at my expense. Get out here you big pussy! And while you’re at it, bring Lyle with you, before I send his butt packing with some of the other guys wasting my fucking money.”
As Steinbrenner shook with rage, Yankee GM Brian Cashman and a cadre of Yankee aides looked on helplessly. Later, Cashman laughed it off, referring to it as an “ironic, post-modern performance that only the Boss would even try to pull off — in effect, Steinbrenner playing Steinbrenner. He could have played it for laughs, but that would have cheapened the effect. I thought it was brilliant.”
Players and onlookers watched silently — first in awe and fascination, then with amusement, and finally with horror, as the depths of Steinbrenner’s mental deterioration became clear.  Reggie Jackson entered the clubhouse and manfully absorbed three-minutes of uninterrupted verbal abuse. When later asked why he just stood there and took it, Jackson said it was the equivalent of keeping a hostage taker on the phone long enough to identify his location. “Lately, when he goes off like that, he’ll mentally land on a certain year. It could be 1982, it could be 1990, it could be, as was the case today, 1978. He’ll occasionally confuse rosters and eras, darting from Mickey Rivers to Ed Whitson to Danny Tartabull…but then, after a while, if you keep him stoked long enough, he’ll begin to focus on a specific roster, which makes it easier for Dr. Pettiman to treat.”
A specific roster gives Dr. Richard Pettiman, a psychiatrist on the Yankees payroll, a fix on Steinbrenner’s mental state. “If I know George is fixated on the 1985 Yankees, all I have to do is look up the roster, figure out his hot button issues — Winfield is leaving runners stranded in scoring position, Ed Whitson is wilting under pressure — and I immediately know the course of treatment. In 1978, the underlying issue was Billy Martin, who was fired and replaced by Bob Lemon. When we finally convinced Mr. Steinbrenner that both were long dead and buried, he slowly came around…though he did weep inconsolably for another forty minutes. For a guy like George, the finality of knowing you can’t fire someone again is a hard pill to swallow.
“That was pretty awesome,” said Mark Texiera. “Toward the end it did get a little too reality TV, and watching them jam the tongue depressor into his mouth was tough. But to be on the receiving end of a full-on George rant, even if it was the guys from ’78 he was going after, well, it really makes you feel part of Yankees tradition. And reminds us how lucky we are that we don’t have to deal with that shit any more.”

Yankees Boss George Steinbrenner bids farewell to his sanity as he embarks on a vintage, unprovoked melt-down.

Yankees Boss George Steinbrenner bids farewell to his sanity as he embarks on a vintage, unprovoked melt-down.

NEW YORK (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –It lasted only ten minutes, but for those present in the  locker room, it was worth every deranged second.

“Man, it was like the old days,” said a long-time Yankee executive, still savoring the vintage melt down. “Some of the guys only heard about it, but they never actually witnessed it. The whole thing was almost surreal — the Boss is thrashing about in a wheel chair, red in the face, obviously off his meds and completely out of his mind, while everyone is standing around watching like it’s something out of the WWF and they’re expecting Vince McMahon to spill into the room, holding Donald Trump’s disembodied hair piece in a headlock.” (more…)


Unexpected Appearance of Rogers Hornsby’s Rotting Corpse Puts Damper on Otherwise Joyous Hall of Fame Ceremony

Monday, July 27th, 2009

 

Rogers Will Go.  To Cooperstown that is.

Rogers Will Go. To Cooperstown that is.

 

 

COOPERSTOWN, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nestled in the mountains of upstate New York on the shores of Lake Otsego lies Cooperstown and the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Every year during the final weekend of July, the Hall holds its induction ceremonies in the picturesque American setting.  

 

This year Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice were enshrined along with baseball announcer and former player, Tony Kubek as well as sports writer Nick Peters. 

 

Everything seemed to go according to script. The weather, although not perfect, was pleasant. Even the usually narcissistic Henderson showed remarkable humility amidst his fellow Hall of Famers. 

 

Then, it happened. (more…)


Despondent Michael Jackson Fans Turn Hopes and Dreams to Reggie Jackson

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

 

 

Beat It.  "Please," says Reggie Jackson. "I'm not who you think I am."

Beat It. "Please," says Reggie Jackson. "I'm not who you think I am."

 

 

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though he’s been away from the game of baseball for over twenty years, and has virtually no background in music, Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson has found himself the surrogate icon for millions of music fans devastated by the death of Michael Jackson last week.

(more…)


Man, I Could Sure Go For One of These!

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

It was the late 70’s and Reggie Jackson was the toast of New York, much to Billy Martin’s chagrin.  While Billy got his own bottle opener, Reggie upped him by getting his own candy bar.  They weren’t on a par with Snickers or Baby Ruth, but not horrible. In fact, I’m kind of jonesin’ for one now. 

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