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Posts Tagged ‘Ruben Amaro Jr’

Jonathan Papelbon Mysteriously Disappears After Three Day Fishing Trip with Ryan Madson

Wednesday, January 11th, 2012

Dead Calm. Ryan Madson without a care in the world, moments after fishing partner Jonathan Papelbon went missing.

CLEARWATER, FLORIDA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It seemed innocent enough; The Philadelphia Phillies former closer taking the high priced free agent who took his place out on the high seas for some fun in the sun.

Ryan Madson thought he was a shoe in for the closer roll and a big contract this season with the only team he’s known, the Phillies. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, General Manager, Ruben Amaro Jr. snatched up high ticket hurler Jonathan Papelbon, and Madson was suddenly expendable. But Madson wanted to prove he had no hard feelings. Though in intense negotiations with the Cincinnati Reds, he found time to invite Papelbon to the his winter home in Clearwater for some fishing.

Papelbon hasn’t been heard from since. (more…)

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Blue Man Group Will Be Inserted as New Phillies Right Fielder

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Baseball Blues. Spring training is still weeks away. But Blue Man Group hopes to ignite a fire in Philly.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The performance art organization known as Blue Man Group will man right field for the Philadelphia Phillies for the upcoming 2011 season.

The position has been a point of contention ever since Jayson Werth opted for free agency enjoying a huge payday in Washington when he signed a seven year deal with the Nationals.

“We just needed to place some closure on the right field situation,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. “No offense to Benny (Ben Francisco) or Domonic Brown or Ross Gload, but they’re kind of boring. We’re solid at the other positions, but right field is an issue. Blue Man Group gives us a unit of three athletic, creative, sexually ambiguous, transgender individuals we can rotate in and out and get some solid entertainment value. I’m not too worried about the hitting. It’ll come.” (more…)

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Phillies Accidentally Acquire Roy Harvey Oswald

Friday, July 30th, 2010

Welcome to Philly. Former Astros employee, Roy Harvey Oswald to make his Phils' debut on the hill.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In their push to reach the World Series for a third straight year, the Philadelphia Phillies have acquired Houston Astros employee, Roy Harvey Oswald.

Oswald, the grandson of the infamous Lee Harvey Oswald, has often been mistaken for the ace of the Houston Astros staff, Roy Oswalt. Though popular among low and mid level employees of the Astros, his employers claim he is a recluse, spending much of his downtime in Dallas near Dealey Plaza.

Even though it was evident early on there had been a major snafu with the trade, it didn’t seem to upset Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr.  (more…)

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