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Posts Tagged ‘Ryan Braun’

Prince Fielder Has Locker Position Moved Next to Buffet Table

Monday, May 13th, 2013

A meal fit for a Prince. Tigers’ slugger Prince Fielder has some serious eating to do. And he’ll get first crack at this bad boy.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Detroit Tigers rotund slugger Prince Fielder has asked Director of Clubhouse Operations Larry Corsica to have his locker moved along side of the team’s buffet table. “I had to walk past Alex Avila, Justin Verlander and a slew of reporters just to get to the pizza, pasta and pierogies,” Fielder bemoaned. “By the time I got there it was picked over and breathed on – drops of spittle from Lord knows who. That’s bullshit. But no more.”

“Prince is one of the leaders of this ball club,” said manager Jim Leyland. “He’s a star in this town – a very large star. And with a professional eater of Prince’s stature…well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to get in his way when he’s fixin’ to get his chops around a plate of Veal Scaloppini.” (more…)

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Ryan Braun Tests Positive for Banned Substance; Teammates Still Plan to Buy Weed from Him

Monday, December 12th, 2011

Brauny Lad. Ryan Braun can hook you up.

 

MILWAUKEE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Milwaukee Brewers left fielder and 2011 NL MVP, Ryan Braun has tested positive for a banned substance that some sources claim is not a performance enhancing drug. However, once the investigation is completed, the slugger may have to serve a 50 game suspension. Teammates Rickie Weeks, Corey Hart, and Jonathan Lucroy say that won’t deter them from buying their weed from him.

“Brauny’s got the best shit.” said Lucroy, the team’s catcher. “Two tokes on this stuff and you’re destroyed – all the synapses in your brain sigh a collective ‘aw, fuck it’ and you’re floating across the universe for the rest of the day Bro.” (more…)

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Rolaids Now on MLB Banned List

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

Agita. Tommy Lasorda pitching Rolaids in the 80's. Those were the days.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Pitchers and catchers are just about five weeks away and the powers that be at Major League Baseball say they don’t want any eleventh hour surprises going into the 2011 season. The sport is still trying to cleanse itself of steroid era controversies, so naturally the MLB brain trust has decided to react by slipping into McCarthy-esque hysteria.

The commissioner’s office announced this morning it was banning Rolaids, the popular, over-the-counter stomach acid reducing tablets. (more…)

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