Posts Tagged ‘San Francisco 49ers’

Super Bowl: Tom Brady Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, February 8th, 2016

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. Brady was “manning” the dip.

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)


Zombified Michael Crabtree Has Apocalyptic Surprise Awaiting Richard Sherman

Monday, January 20th, 2014
28-days-later-black-zombie2

Tree and Out. Michael Crabtree has a little something in store.

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Only seconds after Seattle Seahawks cornerback, Richard Sherman’s puffed up, angry outburst during the now infamous post game interview with FOX’s Erin Andrews went viral, the target of his rant was cooking up a virus of this own.

San Francisco 49ers wide receiver, Michael Crabtree was planning a payback. Crabtree, who minored in biomedical engineering at Texas Tech, went to work on a  Lysergic Quinine Protein derivative (LQP-79) injection. (more…)


SUPER BOWL UPDATE: Manhunt for Missing Superdome Electrician Continues

Monday, February 4th, 2013

When In Doubt, Hunt. The massive search is still on for Lamar Landmesser.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The nail biting 4th quarter of Super Bowl XLVII may have resulted in a 34-31 Baltimore Ravens victory in the first brother vs. brother championship, but that scenario took a back seat to the drama which continues to unfold in the Louisiana swamps.

Under the direction of infuriated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the league has sprung into action with a massive manhunt. They’re sparing no expense to hunt down and if necessary shoot and kill Lamar Landmesser, the chief electrician at the Superdome.  (more…)


Harbaugh Family Can’t Decide Who’s the Bigger Douchebag

Monday, January 21st, 2013

SUPE-HarbaughWL. The big game featuring Jim (left) and John Harbaugh is a painful reminder to some family members.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s two Harbaughs for the price of one. Super Bowl XLVII will feature two brothers coaching head to head for the first time in the NFL Championship’s long history when the Baltimore Ravens take on the San Francisco 49ers on February 3, 2013 at the Superdome.

Apparently Jim and John Harbaugh have a reputation of being no-nonsense tough guys and not the warm and fuzziest people on earth.  (more…)


Pete Carroll Told Ref He Was “Getting Some Cool Shit” on His Headset

Monday, January 14th, 2013

A Carrolling We Will Go. Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll trying to make sense of it all.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, the Seattle Seahawks almost walked out of Atlanta on Sunday with a 28-27 victory.  However, Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll tried to ice the kicker, a move which backfired, resulting in a last second successful field goal and a 30-28 Falcons victory propelling them to the NFC Championship Game against the San Francisco 49ers.

Now Carroll said he was confused in all the excitement because he was “getting some cool shit” on his headset – something he told the referee.

“Suddenly, I wasn’t hearing my coaches anymore.” said Carroll. “I was getting some Grateful Dead, and I think some Blind Faith, and bootleg Hendrix. I was just whisked away to another time and place, and football didn’t mean much anymore.” (more…)


Lions Coach Cries Like Pussy After “Too Hard” Handshake

Monday, October 17th, 2011
 

Shake Up. Harbaugh and Schwartz get it on.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After his team was beaten for the first time this season, Detroit Lions Head Coach Jim Schwartz was reduced to tears by a handshake from the opposing coach.

Excited by his team’s 25-19 victory, San Francisco 49ers Head Coach Jim Harbaugh met Schwartz at midfield for the traditional handshake, but “overtaken by exuberance” Harbaugh slapped his hand into Schwartz’s, then slapped Schwartz in the back.  The two actions caused tears to flow from Schwartz’s face. (more…)