Posts Tagged ‘Seattle Seahawks’

From the Archives: Seahawks’ 12th Man Under PED Investigation

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016
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The Loud Crowd. Seattle’s 12th man should be quaking in their boots.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  When your home crowd actually registers on the Richter Scale and causes a minor earthquake, it’s time to take a peek under the hood.

The Seattle Seahawks fan base has long been known for being the loudest in professional sports. Last weekend, they set a new world record for decibels setting off seismic activity.

“Fortunately, the team was away Sunday and suffered a loss  – which I’m hoping defuses the previously unyielding mania.” said Seismologist, Gerhardt Pferd Sheisen, of the Pacific Rim Institute in nearby Kent, Washington.  “I’m convinced the fans are jazzed up on steroids, which could lead to a big quake, potential structural damage, and one hell of a league fine.” (more…)


Marshawn Lynch Asks Pete Carroll to Meet Him at “Usual Place” and Come Alone

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2015
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Carroll O’Goner? Only time will tell, ‘cuz Marshawn is pissed.

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Not even 48 hours after losing the Super Bowl in the final seconds on what is being called the “worst play call” in the big game’s history, Seattle Seahawks running back, Marshawn Lynch has sent a message to his head coach. Pete Carroll woke up Tuesday morning to a note slipped under his front door. “It was written in a lovely hand — flowery, cursive, sweeping script, so it can only be Marshawn,” Carroll admitted. “It’s funny, people don’t write like that anymore. There was no text hipspeak or shorthand like “gr8” or “np” or “rbtl,” but instead was thoughtful and artful, with just the perfect dash of whimsy we’ve all come to expect from him. Still, he didn’t pull any punches, and demanded to me in the usual place immediately, and that I should come alone. He also suggested I wear loose fitting underpants only. Always the kidder, but what the hey, I’ll play along.”  (more…)


SUPER BOWL XLIX: Pete Carroll Confident Red Grange Will Be Available With 31st Pick in Draft

Monday, February 2nd, 2015
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Grange Bedfellows. Pete Carroll likes what the long deceased Red Grange has to offer — at a bare bones minimum.

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Seattle Seahawks Head Coach, Pete Carroll says he owes one to the Emerald City. Just feet away from his team scoring the go ahead touchdown in Super Bowl XLIX, Carroll chose instead to have quarterback, Russell Wilson throw a short pass as opposed to handing off to his All-Pro running back, Marshawn Lynch to punch the ball into the end zone. New England Patriots rookie cornerback, Malcolm Butler picked off the toss thus ensuring a Pats’ victory.  (more…)


Use of Prohibited Term “Super Bowl” in Satire Has One TSD Staffer Confused

Friday, January 30th, 2015
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Bad News. Timothy “Little Timmy” Hopfmann, (foreground) gets the straight scoop from veteran reporters, Chet Lassiter (left) and Lawrence Snifferton.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the Super Bowl, just hours away, amidst distracting scandals and media-player mistrust, The Sportsman’s Daily found itself in the crosshairs itself. Cub reporter, Timothy “Little Timmy” Hopfmann, was pacing the satirical conglomerate’s spacious media center after hours on Thursday wondering whether or not his use of the term Super Bowl, had violated the long-standing NFL edict of using the term for the NFL Championship Game for factual purposes only. It did. Fortunately, one veteran reporter caught the mistake before it circulated worldwide.

“He seemed very upset about the whole thing. It could have gotten us all in a very huge pickle,” said Chet Lassiter, longtime TSD reporter. “Little Timmy is a real humper. He works a story hard, and digs in to get the facts. Then he throws the whole enchilada in a blender for optimum comedic effect (OCE). But he dropped the ball this time.” (more…)


Belichick Working to Sneak Buttered Footballs Into Seattle’s Super Bowl Allotment

Thursday, January 22nd, 2015
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Get a Grip! Let’s see the Seahawks hang on to this puppy.

GLENDALE, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New England Patriots Head Coach, Bill Belichick has been working around the clock to figure a way to replace the Seattle Seahawks allotment of league authorized footballs for the Super Bowl with buttered ones.

“I’ve been on the phone with Anthony ‘Tony Cholesterol’ Randazzo and the fine folks over at Land-O-Lakes to work a little eleventh hour magic on Super Bowl Sunday,” said the Pats’ big honcho. “Take it from me, in cold weather, deflated balls can make a difference. But the weather should be pristine in Arizona, so we’re going with butter. I suspect it’ll play havoc with the other team’s grip. We’ll do anything to gain an advantage. If it requires a tasty dairy product strategically slathered on the old pigskin, so be it.” (more…)


TSD Super Bowl EXCLUSIVE: Lucchesi Crime Family Waiting on Peyton Manning’s Front Lawn

Monday, February 3rd, 2014
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Manning Up. On second thought, Peyton better run the other way and cool out.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daly Wire Service) Oddsmakers, bookies, a significant portion of the city of Las Vegas, and everyone who stood to benefit from a close Super Bowl aren’t happy. And they’re pointing their fingers at one man – Peyton Manning. The Broncos quarterback and future Hall of Famer, had a rough night tossing two interceptions and seeing his team dominated by the Seattle Seahawks, 43-8.

“That Wonder Bread Fuck ruined my day!” said Louis “Sulphuric Lou” Castellano, a captain in the Lucchese Crime Organization. “This is not what we agreed upon. So I’m sending a message, and it ain’t coming Federal Express, if you catch my not so thinly veiled drift and what not.”  (more…)


TSD Super Bowl EXCLUSIVE: Grief Counselors Arriving in Colorado

Monday, February 3rd, 2014
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Buck Up Bronco. This Denver fan’s heartache is magically washed away with a cocktail of good old fashioned compassion and some kick ass weed.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a game most prognosticators believed would be tight and perhaps one of the most thrilling Super Bowls ever played, one team barely showed up.  The Denver Broncos fell and fell hard as they suffered a 43-8 defeat at the hands of the new world champs, the Seattle Seahawks. Halfway through the second quarter, grief counselors from around the country began making plans to rush to the aid of sickened, depressed and suicidal Broncos fans.

Allison Starkwell, a counselor from Philadelphia, acted even sooner catching a flight immediately after the bad snap that led off the first quarter allowing Seattle to enjoy an early safety.  (more…)


Zombified Michael Crabtree Has Apocalyptic Surprise Awaiting Richard Sherman

Monday, January 20th, 2014
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Tree and Out. Michael Crabtree has a little something in store.

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Only seconds after Seattle Seahawks cornerback, Richard Sherman’s puffed up, angry outburst during the now infamous post game interview with FOX’s Erin Andrews went viral, the target of his rant was cooking up a virus of this own.

San Francisco 49ers wide receiver, Michael Crabtree was planning a payback. Crabtree, who minored in biomedical engineering at Texas Tech, went to work on a  Lysergic Quinine Protein derivative (LQP-79) injection. (more…)


Pete Carroll Told Ref He Was “Getting Some Cool Shit” on His Headset

Monday, January 14th, 2013

A Carrolling We Will Go. Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll trying to make sense of it all.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, the Seattle Seahawks almost walked out of Atlanta on Sunday with a 28-27 victory.  However, Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll tried to ice the kicker, a move which backfired, resulting in a last second successful field goal and a 30-28 Falcons victory propelling them to the NFC Championship Game against the San Francisco 49ers.

Now Carroll said he was confused in all the excitement because he was “getting some cool shit” on his headset – something he told the referee.

“Suddenly, I wasn’t hearing my coaches anymore.” said Carroll. “I was getting some Grateful Dead, and I think some Blind Faith, and bootleg Hendrix. I was just whisked away to another time and place, and football didn’t mean much anymore.” (more…)


After Monday Night NFL Debacle, Packers Fans to Institute Replacement Crowd

Wednesday, September 26th, 2012

The Shit Hits the Fan! Replacement fans and Italian widows, Carmela Botti (left) and Francesca Liguori are the fans' answer to the NFL replacement refs. "Enjoy, NFL. Enjoy!"

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NFL league office is bracing for what most likely be a much lower level of fandom for the foreseeable future.

Monday’s night blatantly blown call in the waning seconds of the game between the Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks had fans everywhere screaming foul. It was evident to nearly everyone that the ball was intercepted by M.D. Jennings, however the stunning decision awarded the ball to Seattle receiver Golden Tate.

“Yeah, that call pretty much put it over the top for us. These replacement refs the NFL is sticking us with are the pits.” said veteran Green Bay fan, Lars Rundgren. “So um, we’ve decided to have ourselves replaced by a much lower level of misinformed fans. From now own the stands will be populated by librarians, seamstresses, conspiracy theorists, and Italian widows. Let’s see how that plays with the boys at the league office.” (more…)


After Loss, Lawyer Milloy Learns He’s Actually a Quinn Martin Production

Monday, January 17th, 2011

The Real Milloy. Actor Greg Morris in the title role of Lawyer Milloy.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After the Seattle Seahawk’s improbable post season run ended in defeat to the Chicago Bears, 35-24 on Sunday, strong safety Lawyer Milloy learned something startling – he is actually a fictional character.

Milloy had come to believe he plays professional football, but he was/is in fact a product of the imagination of former television producer, Quinn Martin. Martin, who passed away in 1987, produced such crime drama hallmarks as The Fugitive, The F.B.I., The Streets of San Francisco, and Barnaby Jones.

In 1966, he shot a pilot for a proposed series about a soft spoken, but tough-as-nails African-American attorney named Grant Milloy in a show entitled Lawyer Milloy. Milloy was played by Greg Morris, better known for his role as Barney Collier on Mission Impossible. (more…)