Posts Tagged ‘St. Louis Cardinals’

Mark McGwire Seen Creepily Lurking Outside Hall of Fame Offices

Tuesday, January 12th, 2016
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Marked for Life? Only time will tell if M2 sees the hall.

COOPERSTOWN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Former Oakland A’s and St. Louis Cardinals slugger and accused PED user, Mark McGwire was once again unable to accumulate enough votes to enter the Baseball Hall of Fame.  He did watch contemporaries, Ken Griffey Jr. and Mike Piazza receive the honor on his smartphone however.

“We spotted him watching the live feed on the MLB TV app.” said Hall of Fame Assistant Curator and Least Ethnic Name Award winner, Horace Kensington-Stark. “Afterward, he was lurking about for roughly three hours peering into windows with an odd, blank stare which eventually transmogrified into a cold, malevolent smile as if some horrible event was about to go down. Fortunately, it didn’t. So far.”  (more…)


Ayman al-Zawahiri to Get In On Beard Tugging Bosox Celebration

Friday, November 1st, 2013
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Fear the Beard. According to al-Zawahiri, the answer is yes.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Radical Islamist Ayman al-Zawahiri is wildly anticipating Saturday’s Red Sox parade, and all the beard tugging celebrations that go with being the 2013 World Series champs.

“I am jacked up like a motherfucker.” said al-Zawahiri. “Mike Napoli has arguably the best beard on the team and apparently holds up well to the eye watering tugging that goes on. But I’ve been trained in such matters. I’m a yanker from way back. He’ll go down like a ten dollar whore at a truck stop.” (more…)


FOX Sends Confused Ken Rosenthal to Philadelphia for World Series Coverage

Friday, October 25th, 2013
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Not Ros-Enthralled With Being in Philly. Ken Rosenthal once again gets punked.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the World Series knotted up at one game apiece, the Fall Classic shifts to St. Louis where the Cardinals play host to the Boston Red Sox. Far from the action will be reporter, Ken Rosenthal. The diminutive, bow tied interviewer, often the target of elaborate network pranks, has been shipped off the Philadelphia.

“Super confused.” FOX Sports VP, Jack Lawrence said of Rosenthal. “You can’t buy the look on his face when his plane landed in Philly and everyone else in St. Louis. Fuckin’ priceless.” (more…)


Taser to Be Removed from St. Louis Streaker’s Anus at Noon Tomorrow

Friday, May 25th, 2012

Hitting Streak. St. Louis Streaker moments before a beat down.

ST. LOUIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Collin J. Grundstrom, a 22 year old landscaper from Jefferson City, Missouri thrilled fans at Busch Stadium on Thursday night in game between the host Cardinals and visiting Philadelphia Phillies.

In the top of the seventh inning, Grundstrom, who claims he lost a bet, dashed onto the field sans clothing and ran around the outfield. That’s when security chief, Joe Walsh, accompanied by his team of guards, corralled the bald headed prankster and inserted a taser in his anus.

“It definitely got his attention.” said Walsh. “It often does.”  (more…)


Albert Pujols Delighted to Learn He Gets La Russa’s Locker Room Porn Stash

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011

Not Even Close. New York's 42nd Street can't compete with La Russa's collection.

ST. LOUIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s been quite a year for Albert Pujols and the St. Louis Cardinals. After coming from nowhere and on the brink of elimination countless times, the Redbirds ultimately won the World Series last month. Now, Pujols, the gold standard of free agents this off season, is trying to figure out where he’ll spend 2012 and beyond.

His decision may have just become a little clearer.

Recently retired Cardinals manager, Tony La Russa’s legendary stash of porn now belongs to the slugging first baseman. (more…)


Rangers’ Colby Lewis Still Terrified; Thinks Pitching Coach is Frank Zappa

Friday, October 21st, 2011

Load of Zappa. He never really left us. Just ask Mike Maddux.

 

ST. LOUIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Texas Rangers tied the World Series one game a piece after their hurler Colby Lewis twirled a gem against the St. Louis Cardinals, allowing just one run over 6.2 innings. However, Lewis claims his success is largely due to what he calls a “profound inner uneasiness” whenever he’s forced to consult with pitching coach, Mike Maddux, the spitting image of long deceased iconic musician, Frank Zappa.

“He is Zappa man, he is fucking Frank Zappa!” a shaken Lewis said after the game. “Mike Maddux is an illusion, a figment, a specter, a mere doppelganger. Zappa lives dude!” (more…)


Inventor of Baseball, Tony LaRussa, Looks Forward to Over-Managing in 15th Post-Season Appearance

Friday, September 30th, 2011

La Russa Invented Baseball. Just ask him.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) When Tony La Russa invented baseball in 1979, the sports world was a dark and desolate place. Before his arrival, a game which on the surface appeared like baseball was being played primarily in concrete donuts known as mutli-purpose stadiums.

But with LaRussa’s arrival, the game we know today was conceived. “Forget everything you know about the mockery of a sham that passed itself off as something I invented called baseball.” the 66 year old skipper snapped. “If I want to bat my pitcher eighth in the lineup, so be it. If I want have my players eat their post game dinner before the game, who’s gonna stop me? If I want to take my starting pitcher out in the second inning, I’m gonna show him up in front of 44,000 screaming fans.” (more…)


Cardinals Players Wear Black Armbands Honoring “Alive For Now” La Russa

Friday, August 5th, 2011

Team’s Longtime Dislike for Skipper Finally Spills Over

Disagreement. This little discussion could be La Russa's last - just sayin'.

ST. LOUIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) St. Louis Cardinals skipper Tony La Russa has been managing in the Major Leagues since 1979. He is currently the longest tenured manager in baseball. Among his accomplishments are World Series titles in Oakland as well as with his current team. However, La Russa hasn’t exactly won over all of his players over the years – just ask former Cardinals and current Cincinnati Reds third baseman Scott Rolen and Hall of Fame shortstop, Ozzie Smith.

“Saying he’s a dick is putting it mildly,” said Smith. “He’s a cantankerous, narcissistic, magalomaniacal douche bag. And those are his good points.” (more…)


Skyward Celebrator Pujols Stunned to Learn Jesus Is Not a Cardinals Fan

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

Fandom of Heaven. Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina before Jesus dropped the bomb.

ST. LOUIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kissing a necklace of a crucifix. Crossing one’s self before stepping into the batter’s box. Bowing one’s head before taking the mound. These rituals have gradually worked their way into baseball over the years. Today they stand side by side with secular superstitions like not stepping on a foul line, wearing a rally cap or not talking about a no-hitter while its in progress.

But perhaps the most visible religious tip of the cap is pointing skyward after crossing home plate – an homage and thank you to Jesus Christ, the high profile deity from Nazareth. (more…)


South Carolina Man Only American Stunned at Mark McGwire Steroid Admission

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

Outta Here!  His common sense that is.  Jasper Stokes is apparently the only American stunned by the slugger Mark McGwire's admission to using performance enhancing drugs.

Outta Here! His common sense that is. Jasper Stokes is apparently the only American stunned by the slugger Mark McGwire's admission to using performance enhancing drugs.

SANTEE, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jasper Stokes of Santee, South Carolina is still processing the news and is recovering from severe shock after his boyhood idol Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids during his baseball career.

“I just didn’t see that one coming. Didn’t see it coming at all,” said the 29 year old fireworks salesman. “Hey, I heard all the whispers. But when you emotionally invest in a player you put them up on a pedestal, I guess denial becomes an old and trusted friend. I just assumed he was eating more and lifting weights. Hell, I’ve eaten more recently and lifted weights and I’ve sold more fireworks this year than in the last three years combined. Am I making any sense?” (more…)