Posts Tagged ‘Theo Epstein’

Yet to Be Determined Chicago Cubs Player to Host Alien Parasite for 2015 Season

Monday, February 16th, 2015

Out of This World Series? Perhaps, if the alien has his way. Testing proposed hosting on Cubs Exec, Horace Tildon.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the hopes that a talented you nucleus and an extraterrestrial life force may turn their fortunes around, the Chicago Cubs have announced one member of their 25 man roster will play host to an alien parasite for the 2015 season.

“To be honest, we’re not leaning towards anyone right now. It’s still too early.” said Cubs General manager, Theo Epstein. “First we need to determine whether this would violate any banned substance mandates.”

The alien, which arrived on February 13th from Rigel Frushon-X37 can shape shift and enter the human body through the mouth, nasal passages or ear canal.  (more…)

Yankees Announce Advance Forfeit of Weekend Series by Red Sox

Friday, April 8th, 2011

Loser. Self-loathing Red Sox fan Jerry O'Hanlon takes it all in stride.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Having seen their archrival begin the 2011 season with six losses and no victories, the New York Yankees announced late Thursday night that they have accepted a forfeit of the three-game weekend series in Boston, before the games have even been played.

“We talked about it on the plane after thumping Minnesota again,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said.  “At first the boys on the team weren’t so sure, figuring it would be more fun to dominate them on the field as usual – followed of course by the ceremonial, candle lit, paddling in the locker room with the more than palpable homoerotic undertones – but after a few beers it became unanimous.”

Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman called the Red Sox main offices from the plane to convey the news. (more…)