Posts Tagged ‘Tiger Woods’

Tiger Woods Offered $10 Million to Perform Circumcision

Tuesday, June 7th, 2016

 

Gulp.

GREENWICH, CT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While sponsors have been slow to come around since his widely reported indiscretions, Tiger Woods’ victory in this past weekend’s Arnold Palmer invitational, has attracted several highly unusual requests.  None more so  than one made by an unidentified Greenwich couple who have offered to pay the golf superstar a large sum of money to perform a “high risk” circumcision. The couple’s attorney reached out to Tiger Woods, who is neither Jewish nor a licensed mohel in the state of Florida, his primary residence, to perform the ritual removal of their infant son’s foreskin. (A mohel is an observant Jew who has been trained in the relevant Jewish law and surgical techniques.)

What makes this particular procedure so risky and why they are reaching out to Tiger Woods remains unclear.

“In this business you need nerves of steel and a steady hand,” said Arnold Tannenbaum, a licensed mohel. “Tiger’s ability to perform under pressure has been remarkable. But try waving a knife over a bawling infant’s penis which doesn’t hold still for a second…then talk to me about pressure.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Stevie Williams Thrashes Mickelson Fan with Sand Wedge; Apologizes for “Ill-Advised” Club Selection

Thursday, August 13th, 2015

 

 

 

 

Violent outburst last straw as Tiger announces breakup

NEW ZEALAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)“I want to express my deepest gratitude to Stevie for all his help, but I think it’s time for a change,” Woods announced on TigerWoods.com. “Stevie is an outstanding caddie and a friend and has been instrumental in many of my accomplishments. I wish him great success in the future.”

Since the announcement, the golf world was buzzing as to the cause of the breakup. It’s now come out that Williams embarrassed the embattled golfer by using a sand wedge to pummel a vacationing Phoenix native he mistook for a Phil Mickelson fan — apparently not the first violent outburst from Tiger’s long-time caddie — during a charity event in the caddie’s native New Zealand.

 

The incident has a well known back story as one of the least well-guarded secrets on the PGA tour is the up and down relationship between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. Ironically, it was the relationship between Tiger and Stevie Williams that took the hit when Williams made his feelings toward the world’s number five golfer known during the weekend event. (more…)


A TSD Classique: Tiger Woods Offered $10 Million to Perform High-Risk Circumcision

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

 

GREENWICH, CT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — An unidentified Greenwich couple have circumvented standard channels to seek help in performing what is being described as an unusually delicate circumcision. The couple’s attorney reached out to golf superstar Tiger Woods, who is neither Jewish nor a licensed mohel in the state of Florida, his primary residence, to perform the ritual removal of their infant son’s foreskin. (A mohel is an observant Jew who has been trained in the relevant Jewish law and surgical techniques.)

“In this business you need nerves of steel and a steady hand,” said Arnold Tannenbaum, a licensed mohel. “Tiger’s long demonstrated ability to perform under pressure is remarkable. But try waving a knife over a bawling infant’s penis which doesn’t hold still for a second…then talk to me about pressure.”

Asked to define a “high risk” circumcision and if he’d ever been called to handle such a delicate procedure, Tannenbaum was initially dismissive: “Ask any parent whose kid is about to get his foreskin forcibly removed, and they’ll tell you little Timmy’s circumcision is a highly risky proposition.” Pressed further, he conceded that over the years he’d encountered “certain irregularities” that required special attention and skill. (more…)


After Missing British Open Cut, Tiger Woods Loses to Little Billy Jensen at Windmill Hole

Monday, July 21st, 2014

 

 

Run of the Mill. Tiger fell apart at the infamous windmill.

 

SAVANNAH, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of not making the cut at the British Open, a long struggling Tiger Woods was hoping to lift his spirits with a game of miniature golf at Silly Shotz Miniature Golf Course.

His opponent was nine year old Billy Jensen of nearby Eulonia.

Woods stayed even with Jensen through seven holes, then took the lead by getting a hole in one through the clown’s mouth prompting his patented fist pump which thrilled the gathering gallery who cheered the fallen golf star’s every move. But once again it all proved to be temporary as the troubles that have hounded Woods’ game for years reared their ugly head at the baby hippo. An errant shot glanced off the hippo’s hind quarters an onto an adjacent hole disrupting Missy Butler’s birthday party.  The seven year old Butler began crying which delayed the match for nearly twenty minutes. (more…)


Sergio Garcia to Insult Dozens of International Golfers by Serving Them Cultural Cuisine

Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
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How’s Yer Foot Taste? Sergio Garcia plans to make amends.

LONDON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of his insensitive remark about serving fried chicken to Tiger Woods, fellow PGA pro, Sergio Garcia not only apologized to the world’s number one golfer, but wanted to show good faith.

“I’m really sorry if I offended Tiger.” Garcia said. “And to show I mean business, I plan on equally offending other golfers. I’m kicking things off by making Surströmming for Henrik Stenson, Boxty for Rory McIlroy and Bangers and Mash for Justin Rose.”

Stenson was not amused.  (more…)


After Woods’ First Win in Two Years, Ex-Wife to Conjure Up New Curse

Monday, March 26th, 2012

Witchy Woman. Tiger's ex, Elin Nordegren prepares to unleash the nasty.

ORLANDO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A winless drought of over two years evaporated over the weekend as Tiger Woods captured the Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bay Hill. The jubilant Woods high-fived caddie Joe LaCava as a variety of emotions overtook him. In an undisclosed location, his ex-wife, former super model Elin Nordegren had some emotions of her own as the jilted hottie is now forced to concoct a new curse to prevent Woods from ever winning again.

“That fucker may be smiling now, but I’ve got something up my sleeve for the Masters.” Nordegren seethed.

Nordegren made no secret of aligning with witches and voodoo doctors to overturn the juggernaut that was Woods’ runaway freight train of golf dominance. The Lomidian Curse, which she invoked shortly during the couple’s very public breakup after Woods’ extra martial affairs were made public, hounded the world’s top golfer for thirty months. (more…)


Tiger Woods Reflects on What Could Have Been; “I Would Have Hit it All Night”

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011

Tiger Tail? Not this time apparently.

AUGUSTA, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Mulling his third-place finish the day after this year’s Masters, Tiger Woods had every reason to be pleased.  For the greatest golfer of his era, however, losing in any form is not enough, and something was missing: his “ladies.”

“I started the day seven strokes back, but from the very beginning I had that crowd cheering like a full on bachelor party getting lapdances,” Woods said.  “I was hitting it great: long, short, fade, draw, everything.  I’m ripped, I was seriously flexing out there.  If my damned putter hadn’t let me down, I know I would have won.  Instead here I am making excuses to you jerk-offs.” (more…)


THE MASTERS: Guy Who Always Yells “Get in the Hole” Is Placed in Large Hole

Thursday, April 7th, 2011

Hole-y Shit! "Get in the hole" guy Larry Barker gets to live by his words. In a manner of speaking.

AUGUSTA, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s springtime in Georgia.  That means the Masters.  And the first leg of the grand slam always seems to feature all the spectacular drama one would expect.  Then there’s the story of Larry Barker.

Barker, perhaps the most annoying fan the sport has known, is again unable to control is bombastic “get in the hole” chants, especially with Tiger Woods hitting off the tee.

After repeated pleas to stop, angered Augusta National officials had no choice but to place the 41 year old unemployed lumberjack in a deep hole. (more…)


Tiger’s Woes Continue as His Car Veers Off Course and Into Water Hazard

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

With little but the millions of dollars, hot babes at the ready and global adulation to console him, Tiger will just have to play through the heartache -- just like you and me.

ORLANDO, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Unable to find the fairway for much of the Dubai Desert Classic, finishing 7 strokes behind, Tiger Woods returned home late Monday only to see his driving woes continue. But this time it was his 2010 Buick SUV that he drove off-course, landing in a water hazard from a private golf course that abutted the road he was traveling. The SUV would remain stuck for some 15 minutes until help arrived.

“When I approached the car I found Mr. Woods on his cell phone conferring with someone we later learned was his caddie, Mr. Stevie Williams,” said Florida State Trooper Dan Clarke, the first to arrive on the scene.  “I motioned for him to roll down his window so I could instruct him how to exit the vehicle, but I couldn’t get his attention.”

A couple minutes later Woods coolly opened the door, stepped out of his SUV and calmly announced that he’d “take a drop.” (more…)


Dozens Misinterpret Double Meaning in Taylor Made Promotion, Leading to Catastrophic Beatings at Golf Courses Nationwide

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Taylor Made CGB driver used to tee off on company reps.

FARMINGDALE, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Get the clubs the pros are using on us,” screams the ad from Taylor Made, a California-based manufacturer of golf clubs. Yesterday, the national promotional campaign took a horrible turn when its meaning was catastrophically misinterpreted by scores of literal-minded golfers eager to give the clubs a try. Brandishing an assortment of irons and fairway metals from Taylor Made’s new CGB Max Golf Set, golfers proceeded to “use” them on unsuspecting Taylor Made sales reps staging demos at golf courses around the country. Beatings were reported at some of the nation’s best known courses, including Heron Bay in South Florida, Bethpage on Long Island, and Pebble Beach in California.

“Thanks to our patented SuperFast Technology, which reduces total club weight while promoting faster swing speed for added distance, none of the injuries were life-threatening, “said company spokesman Joshua Blank. “I shudder to think what would have happened if patrons opted for Callaway or Nike or Tommy Armour clubs – their added clubhead weight would have caused untold carnage.” (more…)


Tiger Woods Loses to LIttle Billy Jensen at Windmill Hole

Monday, August 9th, 2010

Run of the Mill. Tiger fell apart at the infamous windmill.

AKRON, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Reeling off a wretched showing at Firestone Country Club where he finished 18 over par including a 77 on Sunday, Tiger Woods was hoping to lift his spirits with a game of miniature golf at the nearby Silly Shotz Miniature Golf Course.

His opponent was nine year old Billy Jensen of Cuyahoga Falls. (more…)


British Open: Tiger Goes to Britain to Escape Tabloid Press

Thursday, July 15th, 2010

Brit Hits the Fan. Tiger was unhappy when he learned the truth about the British tabloids.

ST. ANDREWS, SCOTLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Its British Open time and Tiger Woods is trying to correct his golf game and once again live up to his number one world ranking. That correction comes on the heels of a nearly nine month long media firestorm after an early morning car accident last November. The floodgates opened afterwards which led to Woods admitting to several affairs.

Besides the restoration of his game, Woods is relieved he’ll finally be able to escape what he refers to as “a vicious tabloid press” and live life like a normal person. (more…)