Posts Tagged ‘Yankees’

Red Hot Astros Fined for Illegally Transporting Twenty-Five Cans of Whoop Ass Across State Lines

Friday, June 11th, 2010

Whoop! There It Is! Opening a Can of This Can Smart. One of the 25 illegally transported Whoop-Ass cans.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Houston Astros, winners of eight of their last ten games, as well as three in a row, are in The Bronx to begin a series with the New York Yankees as interleague play continues.

But the club faces a heap of trouble with the authorities for transporting what appears to be twenty-five cans of Whoop-Ass across state lines. (more…)


Yankee Immortals Linked to Illegal Substance Case

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Yanks for the Memories. Two of baseball's immortals linked to PEM use (performance-enhancing moonshine derivative).

RICHMOND, VA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Joe DiMaggio and Bill Dickey were among persons listed as having purchased and taken illegal substances in 1937, 1938, and 1939 in rural Virginia, lawyers with knowledge of the case told The Sportsman’s Daily. (more…)


With Phillies Loss in World Series, Philadelphia Fans Turn Sights to Rocky VII

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

Yo Philly! Stallone lays it on the line with a devastated city.

Yo Philly! Stallone lays it on the line with a devastated city.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The defending champion Philadelphia Phillies couldn’t not stave off elimination for a second time in Game Six of the 2009 World Series as the New York Yankees captured their twenty-seventh World Championship.

The clutch hitting of series MVP Hideki Matsui propelled the Yanks to a 7-3 victory and celebration in the Bronx.

Conversely, the mood on the streets of the City of Brotherly Love was somber. (more…)


Have a Look in the Mirror Yankees Fans

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

Empire

Game Six is tonight. And the Phillies have a tall order. They need to win two games from the Yankees in Yankee Stadium to repeat as champions.

They have to beat the vaunted Yankees. (more…)


A-Rod Admits Fathering a Centaur May Have Him Pressing in Series

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

Base Hit Centaur Field. A-Rod's boy wants to tell all.

Base Hit Centaur Field. A-Rod's boy wants to tell all.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before Game Six of the World Series between the New York Yankees and the Philadelphia Phillies, Alex Rodriguez confirmed something yesterday several lovers have claimed; He has a portrait of himself as a centaur (half man – half horse) above his bed. (more…)


WORLD SERIES Game One: Random Distraught Mets Fan Sets Himself Ablaze During Seventh Inning Stretch

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

Mets Get Hot! Finally, something connected to the Mets gets hot, just in time for post season.

Mets Get Hot! Finally, something connected to the Mets gets hot, just in time for post season.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Benny Diablo, a 39 year old Mets fan from Queens, had seen enough. The thought of the hated, crosstown Yankees playing in their fortieth World Series turned his stomach. But seeing his National League East rival Phillies putting a 6-1 thumping on the Bronx Bombers sealed the deal. (more…)


Phillies-Yankees. It’s 1950 Again, Just 59 Years Later (Tom Alexander)

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

Epic? Maybe so.

Epic? Maybe so.

The Whiz Kids of Philadelphia couldn’t compete with the DiMaggio-Berra led Yankees and a young hurler named Whitey Ford. They got knocked out in four games.

This World Series is expected to be different. (more…)


Vintage Outburst from the Boss Fires Up Yanks

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
Vintage Outburst from the Boss Fires Up Yanks
NEW YORK (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –It lasted only ten minutes, but for those present in the  locker room, it was worth every deranged second.
“Man, it was like the old days,” said a long-time Yankee executive, still savoring the vintage melt down. “Some of the guys only heard about it, but they never actually witnessed it. The whole thing was almost surreal — the Boss is thrashing about in a wheel chair, red in the face, obviously off his meds and completely out of his mind, while everyone is standing around watching like it’s something out of the WWF and they’re expecting Vince McMahon to spill into the room, holding Donald Trump’s disembodied hair piece in a headlock.”
Steinbrenner’s vintage outburst was apparently triggered by the long-repressed memory of a 6-4 loss to the Red Sox – a game that happened in 1978.  As the Yankees filed into the locker room after a Monday afternoon workout, they were greeted by the rare sight of team owner George Steinbrenner, who in recent years has gradually faded from public view. He now spends the majority of his time in Tampa, which has given rise to persistent rumors of his failing health. While this has been consistently denied by Yankee brass and long time public relations rep Howard Rubenstein, recent sightings indicate that the Boss has indeed slowed dramatically and is unsteady on his feet. But most uncharacteristically — and most notedly — the Boss’s legendary, often unprovoked tirades, have been missing in action for several years now– to the dismay of sports fans, sports writers, Yankees haters and anger management professionals everywhere, all of whom fondly remember the vicarious thrill of lavishly paid athletes being humiliated in public.
However, only moments into his vintage tirade, it turned even more vintage than expected.
“Where the hell is Nettles? Nettles! Get your big overpaid behind in here, I know you’re hiding out in the trainer’s room getting hammered with Munson and Gossage, making fat jokes at my expense. Get out here you big pussy! And while you’re at it, bring Lyle with you, before I send his butt packing with some of the other guys wasting my fucking money.”
As Steinbrenner shook with rage, Yankee GM Brian Cashman and a cadre of Yankee aides looked on helplessly. Later, Cashman laughed it off, referring to it as an “ironic, post-modern performance that only the Boss would even try to pull off — in effect, Steinbrenner playing Steinbrenner. He could have played it for laughs, but that would have cheapened the effect. I thought it was brilliant.”
Players and onlookers watched silently — first in awe and fascination, then with amusement, and finally with horror, as the depths of Steinbrenner’s mental deterioration became clear.  Reggie Jackson entered the clubhouse and manfully absorbed three-minutes of uninterrupted verbal abuse. When later asked why he just stood there and took it, Jackson said it was the equivalent of keeping a hostage taker on the phone long enough to identify his location. “Lately, when he goes off like that, he’ll mentally land on a certain year. It could be 1982, it could be 1990, it could be, as was the case today, 1978. He’ll occasionally confuse rosters and eras, darting from Mickey Rivers to Ed Whitson to Danny Tartabull…but then, after a while, if you keep him stoked long enough, he’ll begin to focus on a specific roster, which makes it easier for Dr. Pettiman to treat.”
A specific roster gives Dr. Richard Pettiman, a psychiatrist on the Yankees payroll, a fix on Steinbrenner’s mental state. “If I know George is fixated on the 1985 Yankees, all I have to do is look up the roster, figure out his hot button issues — Winfield is leaving runners stranded in scoring position, Ed Whitson is wilting under pressure — and I immediately know the course of treatment. In 1978, the underlying issue was Billy Martin, who was fired and replaced by Bob Lemon. When we finally convinced Mr. Steinbrenner that both were long dead and buried, he slowly came around…though he did weep inconsolably for another forty minutes. For a guy like George, the finality of knowing you can’t fire someone again is a hard pill to swallow.
“That was pretty awesome,” said Mark Texiera. “Toward the end it did get a little too reality TV, and watching them jam the tongue depressor into his mouth was tough. But to be on the receiving end of a full-on George rant, even if it was the guys from ’78 he was going after, well, it really makes you feel part of Yankees tradition. And reminds us how lucky we are that we don’t have to deal with that shit any more.”

Yankees Boss George Steinbrenner bids farewell to his sanity as he embarks on a vintage, unprovoked melt-down.

Yankees Boss George Steinbrenner bids farewell to his sanity as he embarks on a vintage, unprovoked melt-down.

NEW YORK (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –It lasted only ten minutes, but for those present in the  locker room, it was worth every deranged second.

“Man, it was like the old days,” said a long-time Yankee executive, still savoring the vintage melt down. “Some of the guys only heard about it, but they never actually witnessed it. The whole thing was almost surreal — the Boss is thrashing about in a wheel chair, red in the face, obviously off his meds and completely out of his mind, while everyone is standing around watching like it’s something out of the WWF and they’re expecting Vince McMahon to spill into the room, holding Donald Trump’s disembodied hair piece in a headlock.” (more…)


Joba Chamberlain Issues Preventative Apology to Al Sharpton

Sunday, October 25th, 2009

Sharpton Image. Reverend Al knows how to keep his name in the papers.

Sharpton Image. Reverend Al knows how to keep his name in the papers.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain has issued an apology to Reverend Al Sharpton for no apparent reason. Chamberlain was not quoted or misquoted in any way, but felt the apology was the wise thing to do just in case an off color joke was told in his immediate proximity. (more…)


Jeter-A-Rod Press Conference Descends into Uncomfortably Long, Homoerotic Staring Contest

Friday, October 16th, 2009

 

Oh...Rod.  The homoerotic ambiguity flows like maple syrup in the Bronx.

Oh...Rod. The homoerotic ambiguity flows like maple syrup in the Bronx.

 

 

 

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the eve of the American League Championship Series, the standard pre-series posturing was kicked to the curb when Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez took to the podium in a rare dual appearance before a throng of media.   (more…)


SIM SERIES GAME 5: Yanks Knock Off Tigers 6-0; Cobb Visits Sick Kid in Hospital and Punches Him in the Nose

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

 

Bed Check. Ty Cobb flattened little Billy Windsor's nose after going 0-4.

Bed Check. Ty Cobb flattened little Billy Windsor's nose after going 0-4.

 

 

DETROIT (Special to Sportsman’s Daily and What If Sports)  The 1932 New York Yankees led by Babe Ruth are one game away from winning the Sim Series after blanking the Ty Cobb-led 1909 Detroit Tigers 6-0.  Lou Gehrig led the way with two solo homers. His first followed a Ruth three-run jack as the Yanks plated five runs in the first inning. Gehrig’s second homer came in the seventh inning. Joe Sewell, Billy Dickey, and Tony Lazzeri all chipped in with two hits apiece. Red Ruffing tossed a complete game four hit shutout for the Bombers. 

 

(more…)


Despondent Michael Jackson Fans Turn Hopes and Dreams to Reggie Jackson

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

 

 

Beat It.  "Please," says Reggie Jackson. "I'm not who you think I am."

Beat It. "Please," says Reggie Jackson. "I'm not who you think I am."

 

 

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though he’s been away from the game of baseball for over twenty years, and has virtually no background in music, Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson has found himself the surrogate icon for millions of music fans devastated by the death of Michael Jackson last week.

(more…)